Dear Justin

Dear Justin,

You would think that after six years, I would have gotten used to the feeling that you're not here. You would think that after six years, it wouldn't hurt so much to wake up and realize what today is. You would think that after six years, I would be able to treat this as any other day.

But this isn't "any other day." This is the day that I lost you, one of my closest friends. This is the day that I hate more than any other. This is the day that I thought I was part of some stupid April Fool's joke.

They say that time heals all wounds, but if this isn't easy after six years, when will this become easy?

I went to see Lucero about a month ago, I know you would have had a blast. Every time I see them or even listen to them I can't help but think of you. It reminds me of the nights that I would sneak out and we would sit outside and you would teach me how to play "My Best Girl" or "Little Silver Heart" or something. Remember the time you actually tried to teach me how to play Metallica? Yeah, that was a terrible idea. You should have known that I would fail miserably at that. I think you did know that. And you're right, it was amusing when I was stumbling through it and then you took over and made it look so easy.

I've come so far in the past six years, where would you be? After you died, I went through a terrible time. I wouldn't hang out with certain people because it would remind me of you and we would all just spend our time crying. So I made new friends. Maybe not the best people, but I couldn't look at people and think that only a couple days prior we had all been together and you were there and that would never happen again. I wonder where I would be if you were still here. I wouldn't be in Dallas. I'm fairly certain of that.

We had planned on getting a house together with a couple of other people that we would share while we worked our way through college. Do you think we could have actually done it? I wonder if we would have actually been able to live together without killing each other. I wonder what life would have been like if we had all actually gotten that house and we went to college. Where would we be now? What would we be doing now?

I don't talk to so many of the people that we used to hang out with. I thought we would all be friends forever. Now I never talk to them. I can't remember the last time I saw Seth or Steven or Josh or Allie or even Marcus or Cynthia. It seems we all went in different directions. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm the one that just couldn't deal with seeing people that I had grown so accustomed to seeing you with, too, that I had to be the one to leave. Would we have all stayed as close as we used to be if you were still here?

I wish you could have seen me get married. We used to joke that I would never get married and I would end up being the crazy cat lady. I think you would have approved. That was almost two years ago. I think you would have even had fun. I got a dog a couple months ago and named him Samwise, you would have laughed at me for being such a nerd but I know you would have loved it. I got a house too, I'm like a real official adult now. We used to dream about the day when we would be adults. I don't think its as great as we all thought it would be.

There are times when I still have to deal with bullshit from my parents. I used to be able to vent to you and you would understand. You understood how abusive and controlling they were. Now, I can't do that. People seem to think that since I'm an adult now it shouldn't bother me. But it does. I wish I could talk to you about it. I wish I could talk to you about the fact that I'm graduating in May. And I'm excited. I'm quitting smoking. So even if you were still here you wouldn't be able to flip my first cigarette over and tell me to smoke that one last because its lucky.

Where would you be today? Where would you have gone? What would your life have been like? What would the past six years of your life have been like if you were still here? What would you have done? What would we have done differently?

I miss you, Justin. I don't think I will ever not miss you. I thought it would be a good idea to try and write this at work (I know, I'm all corporate American now working in an office) but now I just feel like I'm going to cry sitting in here. I miss you. And I can't help but wonder what you would say if you were here.

I hope you're not disappointed in the decisions I've made. It really has been hell without you. Its times like this I wish for an afterlife just so you could look down on me and smile. Or give me a sign that you're okay with how things ended up. But that reminds me of a line from one of my favorite songs (I think you would have liked American Aquarium, I wish you had the chance to listen to them)

"If I believed in god I’d pray for you. But a prayer without belief is like a pill without relief, so I’ll just save us both the letting down." 

I miss you. I love you. I hope this gets easier. But I'll never forget you.