It isn't glamorous, this is a constant battle

The internet is a safe place for a lot of people to show a side of themselves that they have felt the need to hide from the public eye for a long time. Wordpress and tumblr and youtube and countless other sites have helped people realize that they aren't alone in the way that they feel.

But it has also glorified the idea of being socially awkward or having an anxiety disorder. 

It is great that there are places that people can come together and learn that they are not alone and there are other people dealing with these problems, it is insulting when there's a constant cry of "I'm socially awkward because I like this show and prefer to spend time online." There seems to be something glamorous about being "diagnosed" with some sort of anxiety disorder. 

While it is great to know that there are other people out there with the same crippling fear of having to meet knew people and possibly making an idiot out of myself if/when I say the wrong thing, there's absolutely nothing great about the fact that I've had panic attacks because I've ventured somewhere outside of my comfort zone. Sure, I prefer to spend time online and find people that have a lot of the same interests as I do, but I wish I could be the kind of person that was able to go out and meet lots of new people and have fun. 

But I can't. 

There's always been a stigma surrounding mental disorders and maybe now that places like tumblr make us feel "safe" about talking about them, they've now become the "cool" thing to have to deal with. No one wants to have to really talk to people about the fact that they can get completely consumed by the thoughts in their head. No one wants to have to admit to other people that while we really, really want to be able to participate in the conversations around us, we're dealing with a part of ourself that is telling us that the next thing we say will be dumb or irrelevant or whatever. 

And I know that people deal with these things differently. Hell, for years I refused to even acknowledge that there was something wrong and only very recently have I realized that I can't do this on my own. I created my own ways to cope with anxiety and panic. 

But the same people that are glamorizing these problems are also minimizing them. 

You might know someone that is struggling with depression but you would never know because they don't "act" depressed or seem sad. There might be a friend that struggles with an eating disorder but you would never guess because they don't look like the pictures you've seen of the end result. An anxiety disorder manifests itself in different ways for different people. But one thing is certain, these things are not fun and are not to be glamorized. This is a fight I have every morning trying to get myself out of bed. This is a battle that I have constantly through every moment of every day. I have to fight a huge part of myself if I want to go out to do anything with people.

This really sucks.

It is fine to not want to have to go out and deal with people on a regular basis. People are exhausting what with the whole putting on clothes and going places and whatever. But I know that I would like to see less people saying "OMG I'm so socially awkward because I want to watch Doctor Who instead of go out. I've obviously got a social anxiety disorder because I like television shows over people"

Why is it so hard to find a good studio?

There is something extremely personal about finding a dance studio. Not only are there basics that you need to look for (flooring, class sizes, class lengths, etc) but there is something personal about a dance studio. This personal aspect was not something I planned on encountering on my search for a new studio.

I've been looking for a new studio since February. I had found what I thought would be the next studio and was attending classes there as well as at my current "home" studio. The instructors were nice. The classes were fun. Dancing no longer felt like something that I was required to do. It was something I enjoyed again. I looked forward to these classes every week.

Then they moved at the end of May. They moved just far enough away that it wasn't making sense for me to continue taking classes there. Now I had to start my search over again. 

When I started dancing four years ago, I just went to the studio that was recommended to me. As I moved to different apartments and into a house, I just kept going to the same studio. And now that I'm trying to find one that works with me and for me, I'm realizing that  it won't be as easy as finding the closest studio.

• Please start offering adult classes, dance isn't just for kids. The first, and biggest, problem I had was actually finding a studio that worked with adults. Did you realize that most studios don't? 
• I'm not a professional, please don't expect that level of expertise. Of the few that actually do offer adult classes, they expect you to be a professional dancer. Yes, I love ballet, but I'm not planning on being in the Royal Ballet or even in the Texas Ballet. I just want to dance. So please back off and stop expecting my développé to go up past my shoulder. Not happening. 
• I'm not a beginner, I want to be challenged, too. Please stop trying to stick me in classes with adults that are in their first or second year. I've been in their shoes before and I don't want to be the person that everyone is trying to follow. I'm not the teacher, stop trying to get me to lead the class. I want to learn, too.
• I have a life outside of the studio. Don't expect me to have my life revolve around my classes. This is something that bothers me at my current studio and a reason I'm looking. As stated earlier, I'm not planning on being a professional dancer. This isn't my life.
• I want the chance to perform. Some of the studios I've come across may offer adult classes, but these classes are never given the chance to perform. Now, I'm a bit of an introvert so most of the time doing something (anything) in front of an audience would make me want to cry, I love to dance on stage. Why would you not even give me that opportunity? 
• I need a bit of flexibility with my schedule. One problem I have with my current studio is that they feel that I should attend classes the days and times they say. But guess what? I can't always do that. I have work. I have school. I have a life. What about vacations? Is your studio's policy so strict about missing classes that I'll be scolded for taking time off?
• Let me advance because of my talent, not my wallet. I've had this problem a bit recently and a few of my friends have left my current studio because of this. There seems to be a direct correlation between the advancement you're placed in and the number of classes you take. As you enroll in more classes, you're allowed to continue to the higher levels. If I want to continue into the upper ballet levels, it shouldn't be contingent upon me taking jazz and tap and irish and pilates and yoga.... 
• Please let me know what kind of ballet you offer. There are many different types of dance out there. Just because you call yourself a "dance studio" doesn't mean you are. And just as there are many types of dance, there are many styles of ballet. I know what I like and what I don't. Please make this clear so I don't waste my time and yours because you wont specify whether this is Russian or Royal or Cecchetti.
• Zumba isn't dance. Stop it. No. Just no. Zumba is not dance. I hate places that are pilates/yoga/zumba/whatever else that like to call themselves a dance studio because they offer one zumba class. If you're going to do this, at least make this clear on your website so I don't go to your establishment to ask about what styles you teach for some teenybopper behind the counter to stare at me glassy eyed and confused. 

Writing is hard

"If I were psychic, you think I'd be writing? Writing is hard."

As part of my "I'm going to get back to writing on a regular basis" project, I've started to write a story. It isn't a novel or novella or even to short story length yet. I honestly have no idea how long it will end up being. But I'm working on it.

And I've realized that part of the reason I don't write stories is because writing is hard.

I've realized that I come up with great ideas while I'm working. I think of some interesting twists I want to incorporate into my story while I'm driving. I can create a character or story arc while I'm in dance. I have had some amazing dreams about scenes that would be amazing. But then, I sit down to write and there's nothing. There's something so easy about sitting down and writing a simple blog post. But taking an idea and creating a story out of it? That's hard.

I've also realized that I have a scene that I want to describe but when I go to actually write about a landscape, I get something more along the lines of "There's a tree" or "it is a person." I know that this is just part of the process, I need to focus on getting a rough draft out that at least outlines what I want before I can go back and really focus on details, but it is frustrating. Part of this is draw from the fact that I have all of these ideas that flit in and out of my head throughout the day and are gone by the time I sit down to write. I know that what I had thought about was a great scene, but I can't seem to remember what made it worthy of me actually putting it to paper.

I've also realize that one doesn't just simply sit down and write out a story and have every aspect of every character and every subplot worked out before hand. I know I'm still early in this whole writing process, but I understand what writers mean when they say that they have to let a character develop. Even in the early stages, preconceived notions that I have about characters aren't going to work out because these people are going to develop into "real" people.

And these problems are all part of the regular parts of writing. And this is why authors don't just pop out a book every couple of months. It takes time to not only create the story, but also to shape it and fine tune it into exactly what you want (and what the story wants).

Game of Thrones vlog: A Storm of Swords

If you've only been watching the HBO Game of Thrones, I would suggest not watching this and picking up the books. This is very spoiler heavy.

While it took me a bit longer than usual to get through A Storm of Swords, I think it may be my favorite ASOIF book thus far. As soon as I finished, I immediately started on A Feast for Crows. As soon as you think you know what is going to happen, everyone's plans fall apart. This has been an amazing journey and I love the fact that there are characters that you think you hate in the beginning of the series that are really starting to develop into great people (maybe not great, but interesting at least).

Lifescouts Friday: Growing Up

I hope you all have a wonderful Friday and enjoy the first (official) day of summer! I know I haven't been keeping up with my regular Lifescouts posts, life just seemed to get a bit too busy for the past couple of weeks. I'm going to do my best to keep up with posting on a more regular basis, I know I need to get back to a "schedule". This week's series seems to focus on Childhood and Growing Up.

 Baking Cookies

I love to bake. I loved to bake and cook things as a kid. This young love has translated well as an adult. I love baking cookies and cakes and pies and bread and various other dishes for people. Oddly enough, I never actually want to eat any of the sweets I bake simply because I don't like sweets. So I like to give them to people. I've baked cookies for bands that we know, friends that have been in town and even birthdays and shipped them out.

 Gymnastics

When I was younger, I took gymnastics. I really enjoyed it, the bar work was my favorite part. There was something amazing about leaping from low bars to high bars and back again and all of the flipping that you could do that I just loved. The balance beam exercises were always fun once we got past all of the basics. I wasn't as into the floor exercises, though. I was probably in gymnastics for a good four years, but then I moved and didn't pick it up in our new city.

 Juggling 

This is one of those useless talents I learned at a summer camp. I'm not very good, I can juggle three things (four if I'm having a good day) before whatever I'm juggling is dropped. While I have very little hand-eye coordination, I can still manage to juggle for several minutes until my brain remembers that it doesn't want to cooperate and I drop everything.

Jump Rope

Who didn't learn how to jump rope when they were a kid? I loved the days in elementary school that the teachers would just throw a bunch of random activities out and tell us to amuse ourselves (I have a secret suspicion that most gym teachers hate gym as much as the students). Learning to jump rope was just a part of elementary school, a part of school that stayed the same despite having to attend numerous elementary schools.

Climb a Tree

I always wanted to have a treehouse growing up, but I knew I wouldn't be in one place long enough to justify actually building one. So I made do with climbing trees. What kid didn't have that secret desire to learn how to fly? Just me? Okay... Climbing trees as high as I could was as close as I could get to that feeling. Especially when things got tough, it was nice to be able to climb as high as I could go and hide forever (or hours, they seem the same when you're young).

Foster number four is out there somewhere

At the beginning of June, Austin and I decided to foster our third dog with Paws in the City, Mack. While we thought he was going to be adopted after only a couple of days, he ended up staying with us for almost a month before he got adopted. It's been almost two weeks since Mack was adopted, and I've noticed that our home seems to be a bit empty (and I'm sure Sam is feeling a bit lonely). So, I've decided to get in touch with PITC to start looking for a third foster.

The funny thing is, I never thought that being a foster would be something I would want to do over a long period of time. I approached fostering as a chance to try to find a dog that would fit into my home, it was a way to see if a pet would fit into my life. I thought that I would foster once or twice and fall in love with a dog and then never do it again. I didn't think that I would enjoy it as much as I do.

I didn't see myself as someone that would be able to take care of a dog for an undetermined amount of time and then be able to let them go. I thought that I would just get too attached. And I do get attached, but knowing that they're going to a new home with a fresh start somehow makes it bearable when I have to drop them off. It is a great feeling knowing that I've been able to not only help this pet, but also the family that it will be living with.

We're still in the early stages of finding the next foster for our family, but I'm looking forward to seeing who we can help next. I'm looking forward to meeting this new dog and welcoming them into my home for however long is necessary. 

When did writing become a chore?

When I was younger, I used to write all the time. I would write poetry and short stories and even in a journal (almost) every day. At one point I wrote a novel (it was probably more of a novella, but that's besides the point). Now, I seem to struggle to string together a coherent blog post once a week. I'll draft up three or four posts a week, but somehow they never seem to be "good enough" for me to actually publish. I don't know when it happened, but I seem to have lost faith in my own writing. 

Maybe this is because I've tried to use this place to write about so many different things that now nothing really seems to fit. I don't know all of the people that take the time to visit to read what I've writted. And I'm worried about leting you all down. All of you nameless, faceless people out there. I also feel bad that there are those of you that visit on a regular basis and have nothing new to read. When I'm this inconsistent, it makes me wonder why you all even come here. Not that I'm saying you shouldn't. 

But I need to get over whatever fear I have of just writing. Writing isn't a chore, it isn't something to be afraid of. It is something I enjoy. I need to embrace that. 

So, I've actually started working on a short story. I'm not sure if it will be something I publish here, or even at all, but I think it will be good to start working on somehing like this to get back into writing more than just updates on my life and how disappointed I am in politics and whatnot. I'm also going to make a commitment to publish something at least once a week for the rest of the summer. I'm going to try to make this blog a bit more varied as well, I'm going to try to upload one piece of artwork that I've created in addition to a written post once a week. 

I'm hoping that this will help me get back to the creative part of my life that love and seem to have lost touch with. I'm also hoping it will make this blog an even more enjoyable experience for all of you. 

What is love?

love noun \ˈləv\ a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of affection

I spent a lot of time this weekend with one of my closest friends, Jess. She and her boyfriend broke up recently because, even though they love each other, they were just two different people heading in two different places. She's an art graduate looking to travel and make art; he's still in school to become a doctor and wants to stay in the same small town forever. They both love each other, but she came to realize that their relationship would not survive simply on love alone. They were going in different places in their lives. There was still love there, but not compatibility.

I know that there are times when we have to cut off people from our lives because they are toxic and the relationships are terrible and ruining us. I was forced to do this with my family. I came to realize that I could not and would not stand for the mental and physical abuse coming from my parents and had to end that relationship. While it was hard to do, I know it was the right thing and it has brought a lot of good things into my life.

But at what point do we decide this with a significant other? At what point do we decide that a relationship will not survive simply because two people love each other? How many times are we going to put up with the same mistakes over and over and over and over again before we stand up and say ENOUGH.

Is it really love that keeps two people together or is it the fear of being alone? Is it the comfort of what you currently have versus the uncertainty of the future? Is it the fear of change that keeps us in these relationships? Is love what really holds these couples together or is it something else? Something weaker?

How do we know when a relationship will not survive solely on the love two people have for each other? At what point do the same mistakes make it obvious that a relationship is doomed? 

Excuse me while I rant a bit

I'm not usually one to call out people individually, but sometimes people are just so fucking ignorant.

I'm sure its pretty clear that I'm not the biggest supporter of our government's military. Hell, I've even written about the over-spending in the military for both this blog and for a lit class. I think that the wars we have been in recently are a waste of lives and money. I think that the military has far too much power. I think there is a lot of corruption in the military. I think the fact that the military promises kids straight out of high school a "big" bonus for signing their life away is bullshit.

But don't you ever try and talk shit about people that are trying to keep us safe.

Especially when that person is my little brother.

I've seen it happen multiple times, especially as I've seen an increase in the number of friends that have been deployed to various countries throughout the world. I get being upset with the government. Hell, I'm right there with you.

But don't you dare start telling people that they're "gunna die" and that they're a "government issued murderer". This was not a guy trying to say he's glad he's in the military because he's going to start killing everyone. This was a kid that is excited to go home and go to college after being away from home for almost a year. And maybe this just pisses me off because this little shit-head is the latest to start trying to call out kids, kids, that are talking about their job and they're moving. Maybe its because this little dick made a joke about my little brother dying. But, hey, at least he had a reason as to why he made such a moronic statement.

It. Is. Not. Funny.

I've had my share of debates with people about the military. As someone that grew up in the military, I know what I'm talking about. I respect the people, not the organization and not those that lead. It is not funny to joke about these people, these kids, dying. There are far too many innocent lives lost every day due to war. Why joke about the life of people that will, in all likelihood, be in an office? The people that are posting shit saying they're getting ready to be deployed or relocated, they aren't doing it so you can give your pissant little rant about how terrible the military is.

One of my close friends has been deployed to various stations around the world and I've seen all out fights break out over a status that is something as simple as his fucking PT test. People start fighting with each other on his status when he gives a simple update on his life. Are you kidding me??

Get your head out of your ass.

Be mad at the government, not the kids that have already signed away their lives to protect little douchebags like you.