Weekend Wrap-Up

I feel more exhausted after a four day weekend than I do after most regular two-day weekends. Maybe it's because this weekend was insanely busy. Not only because I got to see two amazing bands, Delta Rae on Thursday and American Aquarium on Friday, but my little brother was in town to see my dance recital!

Sadly, this is the only picture I have from Delta Rae since Verizon doesn't have any service in the Kessler. Lame.

Saturday morning, after spending the night drinking with the guys from American Aquarium, we picked up my little brother from the airport. And by "Saturday morning" I mean 2:00 in the morning. Meaning we didn't get home until three and didn't finally fall asleep until four. I'm getting too old to have nights like that and then be expected to dance for seven hours. Since it was the day before the recital, I knew I had to just suck it up and struggle through the first few hours until I got the alcohol out of my system.

Mending pointe shoes in between classes

After dance, we waited for our foster dog Parker to meet his potential new family. We've only had Parker for three weeks, two of those he wasn't even eligible for adoption because he was still recovering from getting fixed. The couple saw a picture of Parker and immediately new he would make a perfect addition to their family and submitted their application the day he was made available for adoption. Parker's new family did their research because they realized that Austin went to college with the brother of Parker's new dad! What a small world! It was bittersweet to see him go, but I'm glad that he has a home. And it is sad to think that this floppy, sweet dog wouldn't have had a home if we hadn't wanted to foster him.

Parker is living the dream life 

After we said our final goodbyes to Parker and his family, I dragged Austin to see the new Star Trek movie (which is awesome, btw) because my brother and I are nerds and wanted to see it. There weren't any problems with the theatre like there was when we went to see Iron Man 3, thank god. IF you haven't seen Star Trek: Into Darkness yet, you definitely should. Even people, like Austin, that never got into Star Trek enjoyed it. I am still a bit perturbed by the fact that these movies just threw out 40 years of cannon in order to reboot the series. But I'm not the one in charge of the story-lines and I will still go see them.

When did he get so tall?

Anyways, Sunday was the dress rehearsal/dance recital. I met Mel at SMU around eight in the morning to work through our nine dances and help out with the younger girls. We ran through the show without any injuries, so it was already an improvement over last year! The recital itself went as well as we could have hoped (although the general consensus is that there should have been less singing). Mel and I had a great time performing for our friends and family. And even though we were exhausted after the recital, I'm glad we were in it and able to be in as many dances as we were since we will be going to another studio and won't be performing with Arabesque at next year's recital. 

Another successful recital

It was a fantastic weekend, but I feel like I need a few more days to recover. I'm looking forward to a week without dance and school, I can use this time to start checking out other studios and relax.

First Reaction: Kindle Worlds

Like many other people across the interwebs, I heard about Amazon's "Kindle Worlds" today. For those that haven't heard, Amazon is opening a self-submission platform for authors of fanfiction to submit their work to be paid for it.

Amazon Publishing has secured licenses from Warner Bros. Television Group’sAlloy Entertainment division for its New York Times best-selling book series Gossip Girl, by Cecily von Ziegesar; Pretty Little Liars, by Sara Shepard; and Vampire Diaries, by L.J. Smith; and plans to announce more licenses soon. Through these licenses, Kindle Worlds will allow any writer to publish authorized stories inspired by these popular Worlds and make them available for readers to purchase in the Kindle Store.

The content guidelines for the program are listed on Amazon's website as follows:

• Pornography: We don't accept pornography or offensive depictions of graphic sexual acts.

• Offensive Content: We don’t accept offensive content, including but not limited to racial slurs, excessively graphic or violent material, or excessive use of foul language.

• Illegal and Infringing Content: We take violations of laws and proprietary rights very seriously. It is the authors' responsibility to ensure that their content doesn't violate laws or copyright, trademark, privacy, publicity, or other rights.

• Poor Customer Experience: We don't accept books that provide a poor customer experience. Examples include poorly formatted books and books with misleading titles, cover art, or product descriptions. We reserve the right to determine whether content provides a poor customer experience.

• Excessive Use of Brands: We don’t accept the excessive use of brand names or the inclusion of brand names for paid advertising or promotion.

• Crossover: No crossovers from other Worlds are permitted, meaning your work may not include elements of any copyright-protected book, movie, or other property outside of the elements of this World.

Even at first glance, Kindle Worlds seems like it benefits the corporations more than it does the author. Not only because of the ridiculous guidelines, but due to the fact that once an author submits the work, the characters and storylines they have created no longer belong to them. It seems like this is just an easy way for Warner Bros. to gather ideas for future episodes of their shows. Isn't that what they hire writers for? Authors that have their work selected will not get any form of compensation if their story/characters are used.

Amazon wont allow any sort of crossovers (ex: SuperWhoLock) because they don't have the licenses they would need, meaning some of my favorite authors won't be able to use the platform. Amazon won't allow any sort of pornography, but who is to decide what crosses the line in literature as to what is pornographic? Also, what is decided as "offensive"? Who is setting these standards? What I may find completely fine, others may find offensive, who is to decide the line? Are AU's (alternate universes) allowed even though they aren't part of the original World? Whoever is going to have the job of reading thousands of fanfictions are going to have quite the task ahead of them.

As it stands, there are many, many places fans can go to read fanfiction. They can go to AO3, tumblr, and FanFiction and read whatever they want. For free. So why would they want to go elsewhere and read fanfiction that is heavily regulated and pay for content? I'm all for giving authors that create some of my favorite fanfictions a way to make money off of their content. What I do not like is the fact that whereas fanfiction was a labor of love, is now becoming a way for people to try and make money. Whereas fans would create these amazing stories simply because they loved the universe and characters, it is now about making money. And making money for the company, not the author.

Many, many other people have already made the point that if Amazon and Warner Bros are attempting to stop the creation of "illegal" fanfiction, this is surely going to fail. The thousands of people out there typing up stories as I type this won't simply stop because of this. Websites devoted to solely publishing fanfiction aren't going to turn off their servers. Most fandoms will simply continue on as usual without this ever being an issue. Why? Because people like crossovers. Fans like AU's. Fans like things that may be offensive or graphic or even (gasp) pornographic. We know what our OTP's and ships are. Opening up this platform for companies to make money off of fans with little in return won't change any of that.

I'll be interested to see where this goes and how Amazon tries to expand this platform. But I don't see myself ever actually using it.

Bridesmaid Expectations

One of my closest friends, Mel, is in the midst of planning her wedding and has asked me to be a bridesmaid. I, of course, was delighted and immediately agreed. She was part of my wedding party two years ago and I couldn't wait to be a part of hers.

I then realized something: I don't know what to do. I know how to be a bride. I know how to plan a wedding. I don't know how to be a bridesmaid.

When I was planning my wedding, I didn't want to burden my friends with the stuffing envelopes, making seating arrangements, or even organizing big bachelorette parties. I didn't require them to go with me to every fitting. I picked a color and told them as long as their dresses were all in similar length and that color, they could decide among themselves what dresses they wanted. I didn't want them to follow me around during the reception or help me go to the bathroom. I wanted them to be able to have fun and enjoy themselves. I wanted them to be a part of my wedding but I also knew that I was the one that was getting married so it was my job to get everything ready. They weren't hired help - these are my friends.

Now, as I am on the other side, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I, of course, took to Google in order to figure out what a bridesmaid is. I've read a couple articles about what you're supposed to do in order to be a "good" bridesmaid and I'm just floored by the way some brides treat their friends. I completely disagree that as a bridesmaid, we're expected to be "willing servants to do her bidding." If a bride has a train on her dress, wouldn't it be bustled so why would anyone need to follow the bride around carrying it? If the bridesmaids are supposed to be getting ready for the wedding, how are they expected to run errands for the bride on the big day? The more I read about what my "duties" are as a bridesmaid, the less I know what I'm supposed to do. Am I actually expected to act as a servant for the next year or however long the planning process takes?

Maybe it is because I truly did not want to burden my own bridesmaids that I have such a jaded view as to what the role of bridesmaid means. I want to be able to be there and lend a hand when I can. I want to be able to help organize the shower and/or bachelorette party. But am I expected to truly be a "servant" during this entire process? Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it. After all, I didn't have all of these requirements and demands.

I know planning a wedding is stressful and it can change a bride's perspective. I've been there. But I have to trust that Mel won't be one of those brides. And, really, if she does, I know I'll stick through it because she's a great friend and we will be after this whole party planning is over. 

Lifescouts Friday: Growing Up and Music Interests

Wait, its already Friday? How did that happen? I feel like the week just started! This has been a wild week, not only because I graduated this week, but it was also my two year anniversary! It is also exciting to think that next week is the dance recital, I can't believe its already here! Dance has been a bit crazy this week, one of the girls that is in 6 dances broke her foot so we're having to re-choreograph all of them. At least it didn't happen day-of. We'll make it through this. Anyways, here is this week's edition of Lifescouts!

Birthday Party 

Like many kids growing up, I had birthday parties and went to birthday parties. There were sleep overs, movies, bowling, roller skating, all parts of growing up that convince you that birthdays really are important. When they really aren't after a certain age.

 Concert

I love music. I love supporting artists by going to their shows. Unfortunately, my brain doesn't always appreciate being in a small, packed venue with hundreds of people I don't know so close to me. Even though I have a hard time dealing with these situations, I probably go to 10-15 concerts a year. What can I say, I just love music?

Karaoke 

 I've only sung karaoke a couple times. I don't really enjoy standing in a room of people I don't know and singing. I don't mind making a fool of myself in the confines of a friend's house while we play Rockband and pretend like we are the best band out there and we should totally try to do this while sober. Then we all come to our senses and realize that would be ridiculous.

Write a Song

As a kid I loved writing. As I grew into my pre-teen years, I thought I could try my hand at writing a song or two and make myself famous. Because who doesn't want that? It seems like this is a pretty common thing for kids to do since a lot of people I know also did the same thing. I think it might be a good thing that we were never recognized for our songwriting ability, we were shit at it.

Vocalist

While I don't really enjoy singing in front of people I don't know, it doesn't mean I don't know how to sing. I was actually in choir in middle school and I was in the church choir through high school. Anytime I'm in the car by myself, it is pretty much guaranteed that I will be either A) listening to talk radio or B) singing classic rock as loud as possible. 

ARTC 1353: Final Project - Large Scale Graphic Poster

The final project for my computer illustration class was to create a poster, something that used all of our skills  that we've learned in the class. Since I absolutely love John Green's The Fault in our Stars, I decided to create a poster for it. I used various layers and blending tools and shapes to create the finished piece. I used three different quotes throughout the piece, the main focus is on the quote "I fell in love the way you fall asleep - slowly, and then all at once" and then two other, longer, quotes that follow the paths of the clouds. I added a gradient to and a couple effects to the background, stepping away from the traditional all blue background that the book actually uses.

Two years ago I got married

Two years does not always seem like a long time.

In two years, I've been able to buy a house and finish my Associate's degree. In two years, I've adopted one dog and started fostering a second. In two years, I've dealt with toxic people and wonderful people. In two years, I've battled some pretty major health problems. I've seen a lot of good things happen and a lot of bad things. I left a job that was going nowhere and started a new one that has many new opportunities.

Two years ago, I got married.

Two years ago, I stood in front of family and friends and coworkers and promised to spend the rest of my life, through better or worse, sickness and health, with Austin. Marriage isn't about having the perfect relationship and never fighting. I didn't promise to never fight; I promised that I would be there for him when he needed me. I promised him a life together, through good times and bad.

Honestly, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I didn't know the last thing about what being married meant. You can read all about planning a wedding and spend two years picking out the perfect flowers and table settings, but that doesn't make you ready for marriage. All the time spent making invitations and finding the dress doesn't get you ready for what marriage means.

I still don't really know anything about marriage. I think it is just something that you learn about as you go through it. I can tell you that I know what it takes to make marriage work but it would be wrong. I can't really tell you when I'm still working it out myself. I have learned a few things over the past two years. I have learned that marriage isn't about grand gestures. It isn't about buying your spouse a car for Christmas. It isn't taking exotic vacations. It isn't about having the perfect relationship. It most certainly isn't about never disagreeing. It is making coffee at night so it is ready in the morning. It is buying flowers when you know they've had a tough week. It is having a cup of tea ready after a trying day. It is the time spent listening to your partner rant about a selfish coworker. It is picking up the dry cleaning and cleaning the house when they don't have time.  It is apologizing when you're wrong. It is  waking up the next morning and realizing how silly that fight was. It is paying the bills and running errands.

The past two years have been full of a lot of ups and downs. I don't doubt that I would not have been able to make it through if it weren't for Austin. I'm so thankful that I've had him with me through this journey and I look forward to where our lives will go. I look forward to another two years, another twenty.

Lifescouts Friday: Here's some badges and stuff

This week has been hell. Not because anything bad has happened; no, it has just been insanely busy. At work, we're wrapping up a lot of projects and we also had an open house to show off our new offices (although, it really isn't that new since we moved in August). I've been trying to finish up all of my final projects for my Spring semester, I've put off a few major assignments for far too long and now I'm paying for it. Also, my dance recital is in two weeks, so practices have been longer and harder than usual. This week's Lifescouts doesn't have much of a theme, it's a bit scattered, just like I feel.


Cello 

Before I decided to take violin lessons, I wanted to play the cello. I took all of two lessons before I decided that there was no way I was going to be tasked with carrying an instrument that was taller than I was. I took violin lessons for a couple years before I decided to move on to the flute, something even smaller and easier to carry.





Programming 

This is more of a work-in-process badge. In high school I was in some sort of tech club and I learned a few basics, but really I spent most of that time hanging out with friends. Now, I'm trying to actually learn. I've been able to teach myself a few things (thanks, internet!) but I'll be delving into it fully come the fall when I start at UTD and actually start taking some real classes.





Harmonica 

What kid didn't get one at some point in their life? And after I saw "The Blues Brothers" for the first time, I thought that I would be able to be that awesome one day. Alas, that did not happen. And as with the cello, I quickly lost interest and moved on to other interests and instruments.

Safari 

One of the reasons people wanted to be in band in high school was because, every four years, the band would take a trip to Florida and march in the parade in Disney World and visit all of the parks. While we were in Disney's Animal Kingdom, a few of my friends and I went on the Kilimanjaro Safari tour thing. It might not be a real safari but I have a feeling that it the closest I will get for a long time.

Trombone 

I never tried to play the trombone; actually, I never really tried my hand at a brass instrument. I did briefly date a guy who played the trombone. It was a very short lived high school romance. Really, it wasn't much of a romance. I don't think it was long enough to be considered a romance. We also just kinda stopped dating without ever really breaking up. I'm not sure how that happened...

Moms and Mother's Day

This post on the Huffington Post by Jamie Krug inspired this post.

The past several weeks, we've been bombarded with commercials on television and the radio about Mother's Day. We need to celebrate our mothers for everything that they have done for us. All of their sacrifices were to make us better people. We need to take a day to thank them for loving us and supporting us and bringing us into the world.

But what do you do if you don't have a relationship with your mother? What if your mother was emotionally abusive and manipulative throughout your entire childhood? What if your mother was one of the people that helped you to develop an eating disorder and a huge sense of self loathing? What if the self worth and body images problems you still deal with today were cultivated from your mother? What if your mother was one of your biggest critics and took every chance to remind you of every one of your wrongdoings? What if your mother wasn't kind and loving and supportive and wanted you to be the best you could be? What if the way your mother has treated you leaves you terrified at even the prospect of having children because you couldn't stand to do that to your own children?

Why should I be showering a woman that never gave me the love and support and understanding that I needed as a child? Why should I be so grateful when the only real thing I can thank her for is for giving birth to me? I'm sorry, but I wont be sending a woman cards or flowers or jewelry or even a phone call when the only thing I could thank her for is for reproducing. I won't be calling my mother. This is as close as I will get to even acknowledging her.

People have been telling me for years that family is the mot important thing, that one day I will understand why she treated me like she did. People have a tendency to try and tell me that when I have children of my own, I will understand and rationalize all of the things she did. And if that's the case, I never want to be a mother. You can keep your stupid holiday if it prevents me from scarring a child like she did. I am terrified at the thought of ever having kids because I can't handle the thought that I might one day become her, that I might one day think it is okay to tell your child that she's fat and worthless and ruined her life and the reason mom and dad fight and she deserved that hit from dad.

There is a saying that "blood is thicker than water." I call bullshit. Just because someone is your blood does not make them family. Other than my two brothers, I do not accept anyone else from my side as family. My real family came with my husband. His mother has shown me what it really means to be a mother. In the five years I have known her, she has been more of a mother than my own was for the sixteen years I lived with her.

In the five years I've known this woman, she has loved me and supported me. She helped me create a resume that got me my first "real" job and put me in touch with people that would help my career grow. When I got my first job, she took me shopping to get a work wardrobe because I didn't have a clue what to wear in an office. She has talked with me at two in the morning when Austin and I have been fighting. She has chauffeured me around when I didn't have a car in order to make sure I got to and from my job. She went with me to pick out my wedding dress and wedding cake. She helped me through the stress of planning a wedding. She knows I'm not perfect and she doesn't expect me to be perfect. She's the one that introduced me to dance. The first Christmas Austin and I spent together, she wanted me to help with making Christmas dinner (and in her house, Christmas is the event of the year). She has done so much more for me in the past five years than I could ever begin to thank her for. She's been a real mother for me.

I've learned that family is not something that you are guaranteed because of blood. Family is something that you work for, something that is earned. And while some might think it is wrong for me to disregard the parents that brought me into this world, I think know that this is what family really is. People may say that it is wrong for me to replace my family with my husband's family, I know that they have shown me what a family should be. Giving birth does not make you a mother, actually being a mother makes you one. And that is why I will be thanking his mother for showing me what it means to truly be a mother.

ARTS 1311: Color Metamorphosis

The final project of the semester for my 2D media class was to start with a basic image and, in seven steps, have that image evolve into a complex image using color and shape. I used a couple of images from NASA's website in order to create my final design.

ARTC 1353: Website design

One of the great aspects of using Illustrator is having the ability to create a website and generate the html required, something that is great for someone like me that has zero experience in coding. While I know I would eventually like to learn how to code, I'm not there yet and I think it will be a long time before I have the knowledge to code a website. But, what I can do is create a website that I design and have Adobe generate the html. I'm sure all of you out there that actually know how to code are thinking that is lazy or whatever, but it is a lot more than I knew how to when the semester started!

Using a couple pictures from the last American Aquarium show I went to (I figure I may as well use them for something since I had over 700 pictures from the weekend), I created a very basic website. I could probably spend a lot more time actually working on the pictures and switching between Photoshop and Illustrator to make it look better, but I've been working on it for a little over two hours and I'm tired of working on it.

Moffat is ruining Doctor Who

I love Doctor Who. It is one of those shows that I've grown up watching. As a kid, I would get to stay up late to watch the Classic Who on Friday nights. Even now, I plan my weekends around making sure that I can watch the new episode Saturday nights.

But I really feel like this new season, and Moffat especially, has really been butchering this new season. When the season premiered way back in September  I wrote a post about how disappointed I was with the season. But like any dedicated Whovian, I knew I would push past the episode and hope for better things to come. Especially as news of the 50th Anniversary special continues to trickle out, I kept hoping that this season would get better. And it hasn't . If anything, it is getting worse.

Let me preface this by saying if you haven't seen all of the episodes that have come out, I can tell you this will not be 100% spoiler free.

First, I hate Clara. I was interested when she was first introduced. Who was this mysterious, clever woman? Why was she trapped? Oh wait, she's a Dalek! That's amazing! And then we met her again in "The Snowmen" as a different character. We were interested. But then she died. Again. And then in "The Bells of Saint John" she came back as a different Clara. Just as it was with River, the question of who this impossible woman could be isn't dealt with in a subtle way, it isn't artfully crafted throughout the season. It is shoved down your face. She isn't even a unique character, I feel like she's a combination of Rose, Donna, and Amy. There isn't anything original about her.

Next, the writing relies completely on gimmicks  I thought "Journey to the Center of the TARDIS" would finally help us understand not only the relationship between Clara and the Doctor, but also between Clara and the TARDIS. It has been made clear that the TARDIS doesn't like Clara multiple times (probably because, just like Captain Jack, she's impossible). After you know, the entire TARDIS-is-exploding-we're-all-going-to-die, I thought that would bring mroe light on their relationships. But no, it was all erased from time and didn't happen at all. Yep. All those heartfelt moments didn't matter. Even the story about the Van Baalen brothers was shoddy writing at best. Yeah, two brothers are going to make their younger brother believe he's a fucking robot? And treat him like crap. And when the older brother dies it doesn't matter at all but the "robot" brother gets sympathy? And after it is all erased from time, the middle brother doesn't treat the not-robot brother better or tell him the truth, he just tells the older brother to lay off a little. And don't even get me started on the stupid monsters. Was there not enough tension by the ticking clock of the TARDIS that was supposed to explode? Did you really have to add a monster?

This week's episode "The Crimson Horror" was nothing but a disaster. There's a crazy mother trying to destroy the world and create a race of perfect people. And she treats her daughter, who she blinded by experimenting on her, like crap. The Doctor is utterly useless in this episode. He is rescued by Jenny (which, I am glad we are seeing a few old characters revisited). Then Jenny proves how awesome she is and takes down several men that are trying to attack. While the Doctor does nothing but flail about acting confused. He tries to reason with the crazy mother but that doesn't work. Clara is the one that destroys the machine by throwing a chair at it. Really? In the last moments trying to fight the crazy mother, the daughter is fooled yet again (oh you silly, ignorant blind girl) and held hostage. Strax is the one to eventually shoot her down (and she dies). The Doctor talks about maybe trying to take the parasite back to a time it belongs. But no, the daughter kills it. The Doctor doesn't explain anything about Clara to Jenny, Strax or Madame Vastra. He just leaves them. What good was the Doctor? All he did the entire episode was flail about pointlessly and get shown up by every other person on the show. He was outwitted by every one.

Finally, Moffat doesn't seem to care that the reason this show has lasted 50 years is because of the fans. He's told reporters that "It is important you don't turn it into a fanfest" in regards to the 5t0h Anniversary. He says that you "can't make it all about looking backwards." Excuse me? So you're only going to focus on the newest Doctor's? Apparently the entire show saying "Paradoxes are bad" is thrown out the window with Moffat. Remember how the universe was torn apart when the Master created a paradox? Apparently that doesn't matter when it comes to Moffat's writing.

I hate that Moffat keeps trying to say that Doctor Who is a fantasy show. It isn't. It is a science fiction show. Yes, there are some fantastic elements, but this is not a fantasy story. This is not a children's story. Doctor Who is a wonderful sci-fi show. Yes, the characters of the Doctor is going to evolve over time. Yes, his companions are going to change. Yes, as special effects evolve so to will the show. But that does not mean that doctor Who is a fantasy children's story. That does not mean that the show should completely rely on special effects on not delve into the characters.

Moffat is a lazy writer at best. As the head screen writer, he should be held accountable for the multiple failings that has happened since he replaced Russell T Davies. While Davies would also routinely rip out my heart at the end of the seasons, he at least managed to do it in a beautiful and mysterious way that I still will go back and watch those seasons and still get torn up.

It is far past the time that Moffat should leave. He's ruining this amazing show and will probably destroy the 50th Anniversary special.

The one good thing that has come from this season is the premiere of Orphan Black. It is amazingly written and compelling. I can't wait to see where this show goes and I'm thrilled to hear that it got renewed for a second season. At least there's something good to come from Doctor Who this season, even if it is me falling for another show that immediately follows.

I hate AmStar Cinemas

I'm an avid fan of Marvel and I look forward to each new movie that comes out. After waiting MONTHS to finally see Iron Man 3, someone had the audacity to not turn their phone off. And I'm not just talking about they were checking twitter during the previews, their phone went off and continued ringing 15 minutes into the actual movie itself. When they got a phone call and their phone kept ringing in the the MIDDLE of the movie, I told them to turn it off. Because you should at the very least put your phone on silent if you aren't going to turn it off. 

Then this woman decided to talk to the employees and I was told to leave. Because I don’t like it when I am watching a movie that I have been looking forward to for months and having it interrupted by someone not turning their phone off. How is that okay!? How is it okay to kick out the person that was watching the movie, phone off, and let the person that can’t follow basic movie rules stay?? Why was she not also asked to leave? 

The manager on duty kept trying to pull the "you just don't know how they could react" bullshit but that is a weak excuse to ask me to leave and her to stay. He kept trying to say that I should have just gone straight to the employees and asked for her to leave. But I didn't care if she stayed as long as her phone was off. And guess what? If I had to leave to go talk to an employee about her interrupting the movie, I would still have missed part of the movie. I will never be going to see another movie at AmStar Cinemas ever again. 

Not all was lost because I did immediately turn around and go to a different movie theatre. So I did still get to see it opening weekend. And it was a great movie. 

Lifescouts Friday: Musically Inclined (continued)

Another Friday is upon us. Finally. Has anyone else felt like this week has just dragged on? I have. This has been one of those uninteresting weeks that felt like it would last forever. So enjoy another musically themed Lifescouts!

Drums

When I was in junior high, I was in band. In order to prepare us for a high school that 80% of us military kids would never go to, we had various things in order to prepare us for high school and marching band. One such organization was a drum line. Even though I was officially a woodwind, I decided to try out (and made) the drum line.

Keyboard

Playing the keyboard really isn't too different from playing a piano. Since my family moved around a lot, my parents tried to eliminate the number of big, expensive, easily broken objects. One of which was out piano. Which was replaced with a keyboard that was easier to move and not as costly to tune.

Flute

While I was in my I-need-to-play-every-instrument phase in junior high and high school, I also took lessons and "officially" played the flute. I took lessons. I played the flute in orchestra. I went to band camp. I played it in the marching band. I had to practice every day for an hour at least. When I was kicked out for being  bisexual, I didn't think to take it with me and I haven't played it since then.

Trumpet 

Most of my friends in high school were in band. We all had to get to school early and practice during the summers and practice after school and travel together. And since I spent most of my time with these kids, most of the people I dated were in band. And I dated a guy that played the trumpet. It was a short-lived relationship that ended the day before Valentine's Day because he didn't know what to get a girl that didn't want flowers or candy or any other useless crap that is associated with the day.

Violin

Before I took up the flute, I took violin lessons. From grades 4-6 I took lessons and had visions of myself playing in concert halls. Eventually, I got lazy and wanted a smaller instrument that wasn't as cumbersome to take to lessons and school and home. It wasn't a lack of desire that made me switch to the flute, it was absolute laziness because the flute was small and I could just throw it into my school bag.

Life after an eating disorder?

As I was helping a girl from my dance studio find a dress for prom out of some of my old dresses (and really, who knew I had so much formal wear?), she pulled out my prom dress and mentioned that it was tiny. It was. Because I was 50 pounds smaller.

And I told her that I had an eating disorder for a long time.

She congratulated me on "getting better".

But I didn't tell her I don't feel like I've gotten better. Not always.

There are days when I look back on the sad girl that counted calories and would exercise in order to make sure she never weighed more than 90 pounds and it makes me sad. I spent all of high school like that. I spent much of my time after high school struggling with food and my weight. And now that I'm closer to a weight that is "suitable" for a person that's 5'11" I'm apparently "better."

But there are days when I think life with an eating disorder was easier than life after.

I miss the days that, even when all else was going wrong in my life, I at least had control over what I was eating and how much I weighed. Work was terrible? School was stressful? Things were going wrong that I didn't have any control over? I could live with it as long as I had that one thing that I was 100% in control of. I knew exactly how many calories I would need in a week in order to make survive and not pass out in the middle of the day. I was able to ignore so many problems in my life because I spent so much time focusing on the number on the scale that I didn't have time to focus on other things. Nothing else seemed quite as important as that number. I know that I'm healthier now than I have been in my life, but I miss having such control over such a large part of my life. I miss people looking at me with awe (or maybe it was pity) when I would turn down sweets and breads and meals.

Of course there were days that my morning and evening weigh-ins would reduce me to tears because I had gained half a pound, but there were also a lot of days that I just knew I was going to have a good day because I had lost a pound that week. The simple joy out of looking at the scale and seeing that I had lost weight was an easy way to brighten my day. Now, I have to avoid the scale all together or tell myself constantly "It's okay, it is just a number. You're healthy now. That's what matters." I can't rely on that number making my day better.

An eating disorder allowed me to pretend like I was a social person but I just didn't want to put up with the temptation of going out with friends. Now I have to accept that I just genuinely don't like to be around most people. I can't tell myself that I want to stay home because I don't want to try to calculate calories while trying to make small talk at dinner. I honestly like to be left alone. It was easy to be small. It was easy to refuse to go on boring shopping trips with people that I was friends with because they wouldn't have my size. Who would have jeans that small? Especially for someone my height?

I try to go through my closet and clear out clothes I don't wear often at least once every six months. I don't need a closet full of shirts and jeans that I never wear. I would rather donate them to people that actually need them. But when I come across a pair of size 24 jeans, I just can't let them go because a small part of me still wants to be able to fit them. These ridiculously small jeans shouldn't cause me so much stress about the size of clothes that I wear now. I should be happy with the clothes I wear now because it means I'm healthy.

I can't help but feel a twinge of envy when I see a wisp of a girl pass me on the street. I can't help but think "I used to be that skinny, what happened?" I can't talk about the fact that I feel fat today because other people don't see that. It doesn't matter that what I feel is more important than what they see. I'm not allowed to complain about my weight because I'm "healthy" and I've "recovered." I'm not allowed to talk about going on a diet. Other people can participate in their company's various weight-loss competitions but I can't. I never can. When my friends talk about the fact they want to lose 10 pounds, I can't say "Me too." I'm supposed to be healthy. I'm supposed to be better than that. I'm supposed to be okay with how I look.

It got to the point where people just accepted that I would go to lunch with them and not eat. People became resigned to the fact that I had an eating disorder. Friends and coworkers and people I dated finally came to accept it. They knew that I would go out and drink and party, but the next day I would work off every calorie that I had consumed. They knew that I would turn down any invitation to go out to a restaurant.  People didn't question what I was or wasn't eating. Now I feel like people are constantly judging whether I'm eating enough because if I don't they're going to think I've relapsed. If I don't behave a certain way and go to certain things, people will think I've relapsed.

It doesn't seem fair that even though I'm "better" and I've "recovered" I still struggle with what I eat. Am I eating enough? Am I not eating enough? I shouldn't eat that, it has a lot of calories and it is really fattening. I'm not allowed to worry about calories or fat content. I'm better. But I want to be healthy, so shouldn't I worry about that? Am I allowed to order the "light" lunch off the menu or will it mean I've relapsed? Have I really ever gotten better if I still feel huge? Have I gotten better if I still struggle with what I see on the scale? Did I actually recover or am I just better at hiding it?

When younger girls at my dance studio talk to me about the fact that I had an eating and I made it through, I feel guilty. Because I don't always feel like I "got better". I feel like I'm lying to these girls that may be struggling already with their body image. I feel like I'm lying about the fact that I have a normal relationship with food.

And maybe that's the secret.

Maybe you never really get over an eating disorder. Maybe I shouldn't act like I have a totally healthy relationship with food. Maybe I don't need to act like there are times when I want nothing more than to limit myself to 500 calories a week because everything else in my life is shit. Maybe girls need to know that all of these feelings of self loathing don't just go away over night; this may be a battle that is faced even when you "get better". Maybe people need to know that if they are struggling now, it wont just go away. This might be a battle they face for the rest of their life.

Maybe people need to know that life after an eating disorder is just as difficult, if not more so, than life with one.

It isn't easy. Even though doctors have told you that you're all better, it is okay to struggle. Sometimes knowing that it is okay to battle and fight will make it easier than pretending you're okay.

A Song of Fire and Ice - Vlog #1

I've started (well, actually I just finished the first) reading the Song of Fire and Ice series by George RR Martin. It is amazing and terrible and heartbreaking and touching. The characters are amazingly written. As I continue to read through the series, I'm going to be making more of these videos to talk about the books as well as to rant about an event that happened or a character that is killed off. This first video is spoiler free, not all following videos will be. If you haven't read the books, you definitely should!