5 things I'll remember with this fresh start

As I'm starting a new job, I've decided that there are five important things to keep in mind as I start on this new opportunity. 

1. Leave All Baggage Behind.
More often than not, leaving a job is akin to coming out of a bad relationship. You carry with you the scars that have been inflicted; you build stronger walls to guard yourself from the hurt that’s been knifed through you; and you recoil back to your cocoon, shielding everyone from your true self, and blocking them from getting to you. My advice? Leave it; leave all the emotional baggage behind. Don’t let preconceived notions based on previous bad experiences cloud your judgment and act as stumbling blocks to your newfound journey. Your experience will only be as good as you envision it to be, so start your journey with an open heart and mind and give it your all so at least you’ll have no regrets if things don’t turn out the way you expected them to.

2. Learn From Past Mistakes.
Remember back at your previous job when you wished you could rewind the clock and reverse all the nasty boo-boos you made — be it getting involved in vile office politics, speaking before thinking, or passing out on golden opportunities? As a bystander, you’ve also seen how others have threaded down the wrong path as well. Now here’s your chance to grow from your mistakes and make sure you don’t revisit the past and encounter déjà vu moments. If there’s anything your previous job taught you, it’s wisdom and foresight to avoid taking the same wrong path.

3. Learn And Emulate Positive Experiences.
Don’t just take away the bad experiences, remember and learn from the good ones as well. Emulate and better the positive experiences from your previous job like inspirational leadership traits from your superiors and mentors; positive work ethics and EQ skills from your colleagues; and, most importantly, learn to seek out and identify the strength in each and every individual so every personal encounter can be a gratifying takeaway for you.

4. Don’t Draw Lines.
Be it on the work or personal front, avoid drawing clear-cut lines that will only cast you out to be an inflexible and anal-retentive asshole. If more work is thrown your way, seize the opportunity to showcase your capabilities and open up the way to a shining bright start! Don’t miss out on the chance to get to know your colleagues better on a personal level either. After all, isn’t it always better to work with friends who are looking out for you? And workdays just seem to pass by faster when the people at work make you feel at home!

5. Don’t Count The Days, Make The Days Count.
I have this habit of crossing out days on my calendar to make myself feel better about the days that have passed, and so that I can look forward to — yet see, that’s the thing, I don’t know exactly what I’m looking forward to either and I guess that’s a bad way to start a new job because it makes the days seem like a chore, as though I’m counting down to new opportunities or to the end of the job. No one starts a beginning with an end in mind, so scrap that and start making the days count instead. Rather than filling your calendar pages with angry crosses, challenge yourself by filling them with noteworthy things you’ve done at your job instead. That way, when you look back on the days, you’ll be heartened by your sense of self-fulfillment and how much you’ve grown as a person.

I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe in "the one"

You probably aren’t the one. I don’t want to hurt you or make you think that this was all a game to me. But the truth still stands: you probably aren’t the one.

Sometimes, people talk about how they’ve met their soulmate or true love or Prince Charming and how they can’t imagine living without that person. I’ve been in love a number of times and, yes, it has absolutely stung for a while after I’ve lost it. But love is kind of like a paper cut. It’s practically invisible but it stings so badly that you honestly consider just cutting off your finger to save yourself from any more excruciating, paper-cutty pain. Eventually, though, it heals and fades until all that’s left is a new layer of skin and a vague memory of how badly it hurt.

That’s kind of how love is, don’t you think?

I might tell you that I love you, and I probably do. I might snuggle into you as you kiss my forehead and I might try to explain to you how perfect a moment it is. And I mean every word of it, because the moment is perfect and you are perfect in the moment.

But what I don’t say is that I don’t believe in soul mates and I don’t believe that there is one person out there for each of us and I don’t believe that that’s how love works. I believe that there are dozens — probably even hundreds or thousands — of people out there that I could be perfectly content with and that you could be perfectly content with that are not you or me. I don’t say that I believe that love is a fickle thing and that no one can love the same person forever.

I don’t tell you that you’re probably not the one because there is no “one.” I don’t tell you because you’ll look at me with those sad eyes that tell me that you just want to save me from such a cynical existence and I don’t need saving.

I fall in and out of love constantly, giving a tiny piece of my heart to every person that reaches their hand toward it. And, sometimes, I collect tiny pieces in return so I can build my own mosaic heart, made up of tiny shards of all the other hearts that I encounter.

So, you probably aren’t the one, and I probably won’t ever find someone to give my whole heart to or someone I want to take a whole heart from.

But, in the end, I will have my full, mosaic heart, made up of all the glassy colors I’ve collected from all the other hearts I’ve touched and that doesn’t seem so bad after all. 

Maybe one day

I frequently find myself thinking: maybe one day.

Maybe one day it will all work out. Maybe one day it’ll all hit me — what I’m supposed to be doing with my life, where I should be going, what I should be pursuing. Maybe one day things will finally fall together. Maybe one day he’ll come around. Maybe one day. Just maybe.

Maybe one day, all of the stars will finally align.

And I sit, patiently, and I wait. I take comfort in the premise that “things will come to me in time.” And I decide to not actively seek things out. To take a step back. To focus on myself and know that the universe will take some sort of control. But am I right? Am I doing the correct thing?

It’s a difficult balance. A balance of being a go-getter with a balance of letting go of some control. And it’s delicate. And completely and entirely unknown. Do good things come to those who wait? Or do good things come to those who go out and get them?

I see both sides and I find myself struggling. And don’t we all? We’re either too aggressive or too complacent. There never seems to be an even balance. There never seems to be a “right” way. And it’s frustrating.

We flounder through this life and we try to make things work. We actively seek out what we perhaps rank the most important, and we sit and wait for what we aren’t quite yet certain about. And it works. We make our way through life. Dodging corners and zig-zagging through life’s ultimate maze.

Because the thing is: there is no “right” way. You can keep all of the control you want or you can give up control entirely and you’ll find yourself in the same spot wondering “maybe one day”. Not all things will come together. Good things will not always come. And that’s okay, too.

Because those stars? When all of them align? Even then, no one knows it’s going to be the most magnificent night sky of their lives. And even so, they still have to put forth some effort. They still have to look up. They still have to take control.

Maybe one day, we’ll all understand.

Maybe one day, we’ll all stop caring to.

I'm not good enough

Do you know what it feels like to feel ugly all the time? I do. I know. I am not beautiful. Not even pretty. I don’t go through a whole week without having a pimple on my face that came out of nowhere. I hate my hair, how I look in pictures, and how I smile. I don’t know how beautiful people could smile and walk and do everything as gracefully and as effortlessly as breathing. It’s like they were born with it. Like they could do it while sleeping.

I do not have the ideal proportion. In fact, I’m even miles away from the ideal. I look for jeans sizes in hushed voices to avoid everyone having to hear my waistline.

I hate my palms that sweat a river whenever I get nervous.

I live on a tight budget every single day and limit myself to adoring designer clothes and fancy restaurants from afar. During lunch, I sip my  break-room coffee since all of my medications erase my appetite. I bookmark sites to download movies and keep from going to the theaters. I barely have enough to pay for rent, and so spending money just for the fun of it was already out of question.

I am socially awkward. I can’t make small talk without overthinking it, without practicing in my head the words I have to say. I can’t keep up with trends and the latest gossip. And you might only end up thinking that I’ve locked myself from the rest of the world since I was born. I don’t like eye contact. I hate noise. I’m no good at dancing at clubs. I don’t invite someone over to have movie nights or sleepovers or parties mainly because I don’t have anyone to invite. As if anyone would even think of going.

One cultural standard of beauty isn't all there is to being a woman, and to get hung up on appearance is to miss all of the potential that lies within just being a person, for starters, whatever your outer wrappings.
I will embarrass you. I will talk nonsense if we go out and I will ask you senseless questions. I will ask you when you first had a pet, why it died, or why it’s still living with you. You will let go of my hand when we’re together and you see your friends at the mall or even forget to introduce me to them altogether. The term girlfriend will have you chewing the insides of your cheeks like it was awkward to have it rolling in your tongue. Like it pained you to say it out loud.

And no matter how hard I try to not embarrass you – to give you gifts on simple occasions and hide the fact that I haven’t paid my phone bills yet, or dress nicely, no matter how uncomfortable I get, just to make you feel that I want to look pretty for you – I know some other girl out there doesn’t even have to try. She will love herself enough to love you the way you deserve.

But I will not be that lucky girl because I’m not good enough, and no, I do not deserve you.