Do you know what it feels like to feel ugly all the time? I do. I know. I am not beautiful. Not even pretty. I don’t go through a whole week without having a pimple on my face that came out of nowhere. I hate my hair, how I look in pictures, and how I smile. I don’t know how beautiful people could smile and walk and do everything as gracefully and as effortlessly as breathing. It’s like they were born with it. Like they could do it while sleeping.
I do not have the ideal proportion. In fact, I’m even miles away from the ideal. I look for jeans sizes in hushed voices to avoid everyone having to hear my waistline.
I hate my palms that sweat a river whenever I get nervous.
I live on a tight budget every single day and limit myself to adoring designer clothes and fancy restaurants from afar. During lunch, I sip my break-room coffee since all of my medications erase my appetite. I bookmark sites to download movies and keep from going to the theaters. I barely have enough to pay for rent, and so spending money just for the fun of it was already out of question.
I am socially awkward. I can’t make small talk without overthinking it, without practicing in my head the words I have to say. I can’t keep up with trends and the latest gossip. And you might only end up thinking that I’ve locked myself from the rest of the world since I was born. I don’t like eye contact. I hate noise. I’m no good at dancing at clubs. I don’t invite someone over to have movie nights or sleepovers or parties mainly because I don’t have anyone to invite. As if anyone would even think of going.
One cultural standard of beauty isn't all there is to being a woman, and to get hung up on appearance is to miss all of the potential that lies within just being a person, for starters, whatever your outer wrappings.
I will embarrass you. I will talk nonsense if we go out and I will ask you senseless questions. I will ask you when you first had a pet, why it died, or why it’s still living with you. You will let go of my hand when we’re together and you see your friends at the mall or even forget to introduce me to them altogether. The term girlfriend will have you chewing the insides of your cheeks like it was awkward to have it rolling in your tongue. Like it pained you to say it out loud.
And no matter how hard I try to not embarrass you – to give you gifts on simple occasions and hide the fact that I haven’t paid my phone bills yet, or dress nicely, no matter how uncomfortable I get, just to make you feel that I want to look pretty for you – I know some other girl out there doesn’t even have to try. She will love herself enough to love you the way you deserve.
But I will not be that lucky girl because I’m not good enough, and no, I do not deserve you.
I do not have the ideal proportion. In fact, I’m even miles away from the ideal. I look for jeans sizes in hushed voices to avoid everyone having to hear my waistline.
I hate my palms that sweat a river whenever I get nervous.
I live on a tight budget every single day and limit myself to adoring designer clothes and fancy restaurants from afar. During lunch, I sip my break-room coffee since all of my medications erase my appetite. I bookmark sites to download movies and keep from going to the theaters. I barely have enough to pay for rent, and so spending money just for the fun of it was already out of question.
I am socially awkward. I can’t make small talk without overthinking it, without practicing in my head the words I have to say. I can’t keep up with trends and the latest gossip. And you might only end up thinking that I’ve locked myself from the rest of the world since I was born. I don’t like eye contact. I hate noise. I’m no good at dancing at clubs. I don’t invite someone over to have movie nights or sleepovers or parties mainly because I don’t have anyone to invite. As if anyone would even think of going.
One cultural standard of beauty isn't all there is to being a woman, and to get hung up on appearance is to miss all of the potential that lies within just being a person, for starters, whatever your outer wrappings.
I will embarrass you. I will talk nonsense if we go out and I will ask you senseless questions. I will ask you when you first had a pet, why it died, or why it’s still living with you. You will let go of my hand when we’re together and you see your friends at the mall or even forget to introduce me to them altogether. The term girlfriend will have you chewing the insides of your cheeks like it was awkward to have it rolling in your tongue. Like it pained you to say it out loud.
And no matter how hard I try to not embarrass you – to give you gifts on simple occasions and hide the fact that I haven’t paid my phone bills yet, or dress nicely, no matter how uncomfortable I get, just to make you feel that I want to look pretty for you – I know some other girl out there doesn’t even have to try. She will love herself enough to love you the way you deserve.
But I will not be that lucky girl because I’m not good enough, and no, I do not deserve you.
There's a graceful bravery in admitting defeat. I just don't think that somebody that could put themselves out there like that could really allow themselves to fold under the weight of insecurity. Still, it's very well written. Loneliness is a hard emotion to convey without just coming out and saying it.
ReplyDeleteYou do have people you could invite over for movie night or just to watch Netflix marathons. Saying otherwise is hurtful to people who consider yourselves their friend. :(
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful! You are amazing! You are loved! You have listened to liars who got inside your head. Kick them out of your mind and come back to those who have always lived you. Always cared. Always believed in you. Even when you pushed us away, rejected us, neglected us. We love you and want you back.
ReplyDeleteYou are enough! To your point about being socially awkward, hold your cards close. Let there be mystery! I noticed the shy, quiet got most of the attention in high school because there was an air of mystery to them. Reflecting back, being loud and obnoxious didn't anything for me. To that point, I stopped making small talk about a year or so ago. At first it was really awkward to sit in silence with another person but as time went on, it got easier! I don't need to blab endlessly because I am secure in my person. I love the effortless feeling of choosing my words carefully. I love the restraint. Also remember a conversation is a two way street. You are so gorgeous and have much to offer. Go easy on yourself. :)
ReplyDelete