Happy Halloween!!

This is the first year in I don't know how long that I have actually taken the time to dress up for Halloween. It usually isn't something I actually take the time to decorate and dress up for, but at my current job, I've realized people really go all out for Halloween. There are costume contests, departments decoratinbg their offices and lots and lots of food. The Account Management department started working on our area a few weeks ago, all to finish up this morning. I don't think I've enjoyed Halloween this much since I was a kid!

Here we have our warden

We might have killed one of the inmates...

A few of the inmates gathered together

Thug life... Or something like that

We don't have the best dental insurance in prison...

This is a great department, these ladies are great

We're pretty tough, what can I say?


 

Anxiety and Recovery

For most of my life, I've felt like there is something wrong with me. I thought that there must be something that was broken and unfixable and just wrongwith me because of the way I feel in so many situations in life. I have spent so much time feeling like I was doing something wrong and that there was something wrong with me.

But there isn't.

Anxiety and depression and social phobias aren't exactly "normal" but dealing with them doesn't mean I'm broken. It means I'm human. It means I'm one in millions of people that deal with these same struggles every day. It doesn't mean I'm broken. It doesn't mean I'm unfixable. It doesn't mean I'm crazy. It is just part of who I am.

I've spent so much of my life feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin and feeling like there is something inherently wrong with me. And , only in the last few months, I've actually decided to get help. I started seeing a psychiatrist and trying to learn why I feel the way I do. And I've learned that I'm not broken, I just need help. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. There is nothing to be ashamed about needing to talk with someone about these problems. There is nothing wrong with needing medication. This is not something to be ashamed about. This is just part of who I am.

I have spent so much of my life trying hide these problems. I wish that I had known that it is okay to need help. I grew up in a home that not only exacerbated these problems, but one that taught me that I should be ashamed of them. Now, I know that it is okay to need help. I know that I am not alone. While I know that I have a long way to go, I finally feel like there is hope for me.

A huge part of dealing with all of this has been just learning more about it. As they say, knowledge is power and beginning to understand what I'm dealing with has helped me more than I could have imagined. I'm learning how I can manage a panic attack, how to keep in mind that this will pass. I've been able to create tools that will get me through my tough days, because there will always be difficult days. I'm trying to focus on not being so critical of myself. I'm working on learning to accept myself.

While I know there is still a long ways to go, I finally feel like I'm on the right path.

October is almost over already

Wow so I can't believe October is already coming to a close! With barely a week left in the month, I am shocked I haven't written a single post. And I was doing so well for so long with consistent updates...

I guess all I can do is say I guess life has just gotten away from me this month. After starting a new job at the end of July, I haven't really had much of a chance to stop and breathe. And, for better or worse, I don't see it slowing down until the end of the year. But, I will be doing my best to do more than a single post a month. That really is just not okay.

While it has been a bit like trying to drink from a fire-hydrant in this new position the last three months, I feel like I've really done well. I did get a bit thrown in and had to learn as I go, but I think that's been a huge advantage. Whereas my last position it seemed people were a bit afraid to let me take over projects and really dive into things, I've been encouraged to do that here. I've also been able to really learn how the carrier side of health insurance works. I've been working much closer with clients than I was at my prior position and I've actually really enjoyed that aspect. There's almost nothing better than getting emails from clients saying how happy they are working with you, especially when your day/week/month has been awful.

I've also been able to finally "stabilize" myself a bit more with the help a couple doctors. One of the reasons I feel like I've been so successful with clients is because I've started to really work on controlling my anxiety instead of letting it control me. And, while I don't think it will ever really go away, I feel like I've made huge progress in these past few months. I'm finally getting used to the various medications I need, I've gotten exercises to help me when I feel a panic attack coming on and I've just been learning more about myself. It is still a daily struggle not to get stuck in my head, but I finally feel like there's hope. I finally don't feel so completely broken. And that is an amazing feeling.

Dancing has been going really well. While I had been working on choreographing a couple dances a few weeks ago, that did get shifted to the back burner lately. I have still been going to class, although one of the classes I enjoyed the most did get canceled recently. I had thought I had found the studio that I was going to transition to fully in the upcoming year, but the way they handled the cancellation completely put me off and I'm going to another studio on Thursday to continue the never ending search. I have been working on my Cecchetti III class because I may be taking that exam before the end of the year which is both terrifying and exciting.

Is that really all I've got to say after a month? I guess so. Don't worry kiddos, I'll be back before the end of the week with a new post!