You are strong. You are brave.

Anxiety and depression. It is culminated in the constant thinking, worrying about everything, and letting it affect your life. The frustration, the self-loathing and the endless hours of time drowning in your own all-consuming thoughts.

I know it all because I’ve been there. Through every panic attack and mental breakdown alone in my room or in a room full of strangers, I’ve experienced it all. I can relate.

It’s easy to feel like you’re alone in it all. It’s easy to convince yourself that you’re not good enough for others because of your need to overanalyze every little thing, where the thoughts race through your head at a mile a minute every day. That’s the problem with anxiety and depression; it makes it so easy for you to believe the

Anxiety and depression can be crippling. It grasps your mind and body and doesn’t let go, no matter how many times you convince yourself it doesn’t exist in your body. It can make you feel weak and useless. But, you know what? It actually makes you the strongest person in the world.

Imagine waking up every morning to face the same issue day in and day out. You are doing just that, facing your own inner demons every single day. And it makes you stronger. Your anxiety and depression is making you stronger, no matter how much it feels like it is eating away at your insides and taking over your life.

Not only are you strong, but you are brave. You are brave for not simply giving in. You are brave for living your everyday life even though your mind is telling you that it is not worth the pain. And anxiety and depression can be painful to the point where you feel the need to hole up in your room and let the tears spill out. Crying out the frustration becomes more appealing when your mind is constantly running at the speed of light, telling you you’re not worthy of the good things in life.

The demons you have to face are ones that live inside of you, and how brave are you to deal with them every minute of every day?
Even worse, it becomes so simple to look at others and compare yourself to them. Magnified by anxiety and depression, comparing myself to the world around me is something I find myself doing every day. I want to stop, but sometimes my mind won’t let me.

There are times when I look in the mirror and hate what I see. My mind is constantly telling me to be skinnier, prettier and just better. And guess what? You’ll believe it because who do you trust more than yourself? It is a never-ending cycle of thoughts that can keep you awake all night long. But it’s not just you.

Sometimes you feel embarrassed or ashamed, but anxiety and depression is something so common. Millions of people go through the same thing each and every day and they understand. The last thing you are in this world is alone in your fight against yourself.

It is time for us to stop feeling embarrassed for being in our own heads. There historically has been a stigma associated with anxiety and depression, but the more people talk about it, the more that stigma will end up becoming the norm.

Overcoming this won’t be easy or an overnight fix. But that is okay. And you need to remember that.

Each day that you get up and go on with life is a day that you’ve won the battle. Each day you take on the world is a little victory.

So, do one thing that scares you each day. Be brave. Because as those small victories become the norm, you’ll begin to realize that anxiety and depression may be a part of your life, but they certainly don’t define it. 

Just one day at a time

Some people have this "all or nothing" mentality when it comes to healthy living. We need to realize that this whole all or nothing mentality is toxic. People feel like if they 're not doing it all, then their progress is nothing. And that is not true.

You either run every day or you're not a runner. You never have unhealthy thoughts at all or you're not recovering. You have to never eat fast food or you're not a healthy eater. You love yourself everyday and never have bad days or you're not positive body. You go out every weekend or you're not a social person.

It does not have to be all or nothing.

Every little bit is a step to a better life.

So if you ran yesterday and today you're not able to - you're still a runner and I'm proud of you. If yesterday you were okay but today you've fought the urge to restrict or purge since you woke up - you're still recovering and I'm proud of you.

If today, for the first time in weeks, you eat burgers and fries with friends or have pizza while on your lunch break - you are still a healthy eater. And I'm proud of you. Sometimes you fall off the wagon for months. Sometimes you tell yourself you’re gonna start fresh on Monday and by Wednesday you’ve already fallen back off. Sometimes you have to restart a 100 times and it’s frustrating. But it will be okay.

If you woke up this morning and immediately did not like yourself this morning, it's okay - You're still a body positive person and I'm proud of you. If you had to cancel your plans for the night because you couldn't deal with the anxiety, remember your friends still love you and they understand.

Just take each day step by step. Every run. Every urge. Every dining experience. Every negative thought. Because it's not all or nothing.

It's a little of this and a little of that and each piece turns progress.

You can do this. One day at a time

Don't let the monsters win

This does not begin the way they tell you,
The way they promise you as
you wait in the hospital watching
your friend heaving into a paper bag
There is no way for your body to
make sense of a poison so close to the
heart and so engraved in the mind
They will tell you it is possible to
live a normal life if you remember to
take your pills, and drink your water
and chart your feelings. Like a child
learning the alphabet, I have learned
my way through sad-angry-mad-happy
I have felt my way through the dark room
and slept at the foot of the monsters bed

He smiles at me in the dark, he tells me
He controls the light. You never know
When its going to get better.
The map it leaves is scars running
from your hip bone to your inner thigh
that no man will ever kiss in the moonlight
and you try the new words, tasting them
on your tongue –

“I’m okay.”
“I’m fine”
“How about you?”

Nothing could taste worse than the
uncertainty of being left cold and dead
in the arms of your own self.

My best friend tried to kill herself twice.
I remind myself of her presence, of the way
she is the sun in my sky, the moon in my path.
I cannot feel anything.

My heart stops in the base of my throat.
I remember what it feels like,
lying alone at the bottom of a bathtub,
lungs filled with water.

I have been learning to breathe since
I took my first breath out of that tub.

I have spent too many months,
washing my hands of my own blood,
Tasting the trouble I caused
on the inside of my gums
I am sorry for those I hurt
when I was trying to gauze myself up.

This is remembering that growth
begins with the rough plough
of a man bigger than a seed
But even trees grow larger
than any man.

I wait for the monster to turn on the lights.
Today could be a good day.
If only you take your medicine.
If only you make your train.
This begins with a word
Recovery
and it never truly ends.

This poem is for all my friends.
The ones who gulp for air, and the ones
who are scared to sleep at night.
The ones who became more than statistics,
and subway delays.

I’m happy your monsters didn’t win.

And

This is for every
Personal injury at track level.

I am here in your memory

Stop being afraid of living

When the other shoe seems to consistently drop and sadness feels like a perpetual state of being, it’s hard not to tremble in the face of that fleeting feeling called happiness. You’ve become so accustomed to a pessimistic viewpoint that a change in perspective leaves you seeing double or tirelessly squinting or completely blind altogether. So you call it necessary and you label it “defense” and you talk yourself out of unknown situations.

Stop.

Stop being afraid of happiness.

Stop being afraid to look in the mirror and hold your head high despite what a magazine or billboard or a member of the opposite sex considers attractive.

Stop being afraid to smile when they remember to put the toothpaste in the shower because, unlike them, you can’t brush your teeth without making a mess so you kill two birds with one stone every morning.

Stop being afraid of laying back in an armchair and filling your lungs with relaxation and taking the time to appreciate your accomplishments and the hard work that captured them.

Stop being afraid to lean on broad shoulders or hide between frail arms or blink tears that make you look less than desirable but allow you to experience real, unabashed, genuine comfort.

Stop being afraid to sink into a quiet night at their place where you desperately try to cook while they harmlessly chuckle and you both end up ordering from a takeout menu.

Stop being afraid to laugh so hard you snort or cry so hard it hurts or waste days with others that have occupied your life long after the ones you once loved so much have gone.

Stop being afraid to cherish goodbye kisses and good morning whispers and how-was-your-day hugs.

Stop being afraid to show the birthmark you always cover and the scar you got from your father and the message that ended the relationship you compare every subsequent relationship to.

Stop being afraid to admit that you love seeing them every day and miss them when they’re only a few miles away and have a hard time sleeping at night when they’re not next to you.

Stop being afraid to put on music and dance in your underwear and smile for no reason other than you’re enjoying a moment completely alone.

Stop being afraid of that greasy burger or that layered cake or that five cheese macaroni that leaves you in a succulent heaven only calories and sugars can take you.

Stop being afraid of life.

Because the other shoe will drop too many times and sadness will feel like a perpetual state of being more than once and a pessimistic viewpoint will begin to feel all too common again and again.

And in those moments, your happiness will carry you through.

Any minute now... You'll be you.

You function “like a normal person.” You take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and make it out the door in less than an hour. It used to take you the whole morning. And two to three cups of coffee. And a handful of songs that glistened on your ears. (If you made it out at all.) You used to lose time looking out the window because everything was beautiful, and everything in every season had a hazy glow attached to it. In the summer you’d go out to see what the plants looked like after the heavy sky left drops of rain on the leaves. In the winter the fresh snow would cover everything and fill your mind with soft corners.

But now, none of that. There are only dirty sidewalks and messy gardens and more fucking sun and more fucking humidity. The world is a place you are forced walk across to get to work or school or home. At work you answer emails and make phone calls and tie up loose ends and find solutions to problems. Under fluorescent lights you go to meetings and cross things off your to-do list. Your hair is combed, your tights don’t have runs in them, and your boss praises you. You smile because you have forgotten that this is not You.

No, the You you’ve known all your life would not feel good about completing a purchase order or remembering which folder a document is in. The You before the medication had dreams about doing more than this. It was always Which city am I going to next? And now it’s When is the microwave in the breakroom free? The You before medication was always What can I create tonight? Now You are more What if I spill paint on the carpet? That won't come out and I'll lose my deposit. During the day this doesn’t seem like a big deal because you are focused and productive. You see clear goals and paths carved out to get you there. You are medicated, and everything is linear.

But when have you ever been a fan of straight lines? At night you remember how you used to love the twisted ones best. How much time did you spend just wandering, even if it meant not getting where you were supposed to go? You would always find something better, or at the very least you’d see/touch/taste/feel something amazing on the way there. The world was not something you were forced to be in; you wanted to be in it, badly, and wanted it in you. You wanted to put your hands on it and breathe it in. What was that like, again?

It’s too hard to remember because every morning you wake up and swallow a blue capsule that pushes all that out of sight. It gives you tunnel vision, and during the half hour it takes to kick in you can feel the narrowing like waves crashing over you. Soon this part will be over, though. Soon you won’t be reaching out to grab the hand of the person you used to be while the tide pulls her under. You’ll forget her and you’ll forget the way the sun hit the streets just right this morning and how the breeze brushed past you whispering “Follow” as it disappeared around the corner. You’ll be fine, and you won’t dream.

It’s ok because this is what the doctor says is “fine.” This is what your parents and teachers and bosses say is “fine.” But you know this is not fine because fine is having space for your thoughts to breathe. It is thanking the stars or the lord or the Smiths that you are not like the others. It is what you were before you were medicated. It can be yours again, and you know it, and each day it’s harder and harder to hold your breath and go underwater.

One day you won’t do it. You’ll just stop, and you’ll live again.

You’ll stop, and you’ll see and feel and be in love with the world again.

Any minute now.

I can't sleep

It’s nearing 4:00 AM. I’m sleepy, but my body roots itself to the couch. I mindlessly refresh my social media pages, and look at work projects and emails and writing assignments that I know I won’t be completing tonight. I feel tired, but I don’t sleep. I struggle to control this behavior, but deep down I already know why I’m still sitting here, and I know that I won’t be able to change it.

This has been with me all my life. I’ve always found excuses to stay up late. As a kid it was homework. Now it’s work and social media. When I’m older I’m sure I’ll find something else. I consciously oppose this behavior, but my subconscious always wins in the end. I do what I do without a thought at this point…all for a simple reason. I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of myself. When I lay there at night, in the dark, I can’t run from anything. There in the dark I’m forced to think about all of the things that I’m able to avoid during the day. Nighttime is quiet. The city itself starts to slumber, social media feeds start dying down, and the world itself comes to a halt. I struggle to find something, anything else to do instead of sleep, but as the hours pass, I realize I haven’t accomplished or done anything meaningful.

All I do is kill time, all in the name of running.

I just don’t like the person I am. I’ve made terrible mistakes in my life. I’ve hurt good people. I’ve pushed people away. And I have this fear, a feeling that forces itself into my brain as reality, that I can't achieve any of my goals. The thoughts paralyze me and yet drive the adrenaline through my body as I begin to mentally and emotionally panic.

I can lay down, exhausted, and in a few moments be wide-awake. I try to fool my body by shutting my eyes, but it doesn’t help. I can’t find relaxation or sleep. All I can find is a raw, and unapologetically honest reflection of myself.

And I don’t like what I see.

During the day I’m a great coworker, never failing to live up to and exceed expectations. I'm seen waving hello to coworkers, friends, acquaintances who know me that I unfortunately either forgot or never really met in the first place. I’m frequently complimented for my humor, positivity, and stylish outfits. It makes me feel “popular” and well liked. I’m able to take the words, smiles, and praises of others and play them on repeat over the voice in the back of my head that tries to remind me that I’m not good enough.

But night has a way of distorting that. If I lay down at night those compliments and smiles throughout the day become shallow and empty. They only complimented you because they feel bad for you. Even if they meant it, they don’t know the real you anyway. If they knew what you were really like they’d hate you. You hate you, and who knows you better than you? My mind takes over. I try to fight back, but I feel like I’m a prisoner in my own head. But it’s my head. When it’s all said and done, I’m torturing myself.

This torture leads a vicious cycle. I torture myself because I don’t like the person that I am. When I try to stop myself from torturing myself I’m ashamed at the level of self-hate I’ve allowed myself to sink to. It reminds me that I’m weak and messed up. This note rings through my head, and fuels the torture once again. This repeats and goes full-circle.

The anxiety and fear inducing trial that I deal with if I go to sleep when it is still nighttime rules my life. Every morning I swear to myself I won’t repeat this behavior, but here I am again, going through the motions. I want to change, but I don’t know how.

It shouldn’t be this terrifying for a person to come face to face with the person they really are.

I once had someone tell me, “I wish I was as happy as you always are.” That’s a laugh

It's okay to be vulnerable

One of the most fear-inducing situations to be in is one of vulnerability. We go to extreme lengths to avoid it at all costs. We’re willing to lie to ourselves about what we want, who we really are, what our true intentions are. We close our eyes, shift truths, sabotage ourselves, reinforce defenses.

To be vulnerable is first and foremost to be honest with ourselves. It’s to voluntarily disarm our own defenses and shine light to those festering things we’d rather leave unclaimed in the dark. It’s to fully own up to our shame, our hopes, our insecurities, our fears.

Then to act upon this vulnerability is to expose the very stuff we are made of. Bare our bones, face judgment and rejection. Understand the risks, fight for what we want. Surrender control and hope. Open ourselves up to the possibility that what will happen next will break and remake who we are. To embrace vulnerability is to be made aware of our own fragility and powerlessness. It comes with internal struggle and emotional turmoil - and that is fucking terrifying.

It’s understandable why we would be afraid, why the mere thought makes us want to instead strengthen our defenses. We walk around with built-in security systems designed to find anything that may threaten exposure, to protect us from those who may be getting too close. We focus our energy constructing an attractive, protective, perfect vision of who we are. It’s almost too easy to be someone we’re not, to fall into a routine of distracting ourselves from ourselves. We drink, party, fuck, shop, fall fast and hard into romances that have no substance. Do things for the momentary thrill of escape, for those few moments we can forget ourselves.

The consequence of exchanging vulnerability for an illusory perception of who we are is that we become a hazard to ourselves. It’s an act of betrayal when we shut out parts of ourselves, especially the parts that we are afraid of. We leave the scary bits to fester, grow, and become something unrecognizable within us while indulging in a false sense of security.

One of my favorite songs has the lyrics, “But a prayer without belief is like a pill without relief so I'll just save us both the letting down.”  Being vulnerable means opening yourself up to others, being able to ask for help, being honest with those around you. Being able to let others into your life instead of hiding behind walls and trying to never let anyone down with who you really are. Being vulnerable takes courage, and nothing about this is easy. But the things that make us feel vulnerable and scared are often the things that define who we are.

And to turn our backs on that is to exist in an anesthetized and stagnant state of being.

This past year has been marked by vulnerability. At times, it left me scared, defenseless, exhausted, exposed, defeated, raw, and unnerved. I look back and realize I had a choice every step of the way. I could either take a long, hard look at myself and own and expose my demons within or I could continue to withdraw and protect myself.

And I have finally chosen vulnerability.

We can all pretend, but the parts we’ve locked and vaulted away will still be there waiting for us. So be vulnerable, it will be alright. There’s no regret in being true to who we are, fighting for what is really important to us and evolving into who we were truly meant to be.

Bell's Lets Talk Day

Today is Bell's Lets Talk Day - a day to support mental health programs in Canada. As someone that has struggled their entire life, this is an amazing campaign that really touches me. Struggling with mental disorders has consumed over twenty years of my life so far. This isn't something I'm proud of, but it is something I'm learning not to be so ashamed of.

I have always been ashamed of my body, developing a severe eating habit (or more correct, a habit of not eating) at a very young age. I struggled with it for so long that I forget that it isn't something that every person has to deal with. I have always struggled in social situations, trying to please everyone and constantly fearing that I would let them down. I have spent many hours trying to recover from panic attacks.

And I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want people to know how weak and broken I was. When I would work up the courage to tell someone that I thought there was something wrong, I was often told that I needed to "suck it up" and that it was just a mood. When I would receive this response, it made me less inclined to seek out help. It made me less willing to talk to anyone about it. This was just all in my head, I was broken.

It wasn't until a friend of mine actually sat down and talked to me one day a few years ago that I realized I wasn't alone. I spent so many years being ashamed that it was amazing to finally be able to open up and tell someone that I needed help. Having that person reach out was what helped me realize that I could ask for help. I wasn't alone.

Simply talking with someone is one of the best ways to start breaking down the barriers associated with mental illness.

And if you are struggling, remember what you're worth. Remember you are valuable. Remember that you are repairable. Remember that you're worth fighting for. Remember that you are not a punching bag, you are not a doormat. 

Anxiety and Recovery

For most of my life, I've felt like there is something wrong with me. I thought that there must be something that was broken and unfixable and just wrongwith me because of the way I feel in so many situations in life. I have spent so much time feeling like I was doing something wrong and that there was something wrong with me.

But there isn't.

Anxiety and depression and social phobias aren't exactly "normal" but dealing with them doesn't mean I'm broken. It means I'm human. It means I'm one in millions of people that deal with these same struggles every day. It doesn't mean I'm broken. It doesn't mean I'm unfixable. It doesn't mean I'm crazy. It is just part of who I am.

I've spent so much of my life feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin and feeling like there is something inherently wrong with me. And , only in the last few months, I've actually decided to get help. I started seeing a psychiatrist and trying to learn why I feel the way I do. And I've learned that I'm not broken, I just need help. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. There is nothing to be ashamed about needing to talk with someone about these problems. There is nothing wrong with needing medication. This is not something to be ashamed about. This is just part of who I am.

I have spent so much of my life trying hide these problems. I wish that I had known that it is okay to need help. I grew up in a home that not only exacerbated these problems, but one that taught me that I should be ashamed of them. Now, I know that it is okay to need help. I know that I am not alone. While I know that I have a long way to go, I finally feel like there is hope for me.

A huge part of dealing with all of this has been just learning more about it. As they say, knowledge is power and beginning to understand what I'm dealing with has helped me more than I could have imagined. I'm learning how I can manage a panic attack, how to keep in mind that this will pass. I've been able to create tools that will get me through my tough days, because there will always be difficult days. I'm trying to focus on not being so critical of myself. I'm working on learning to accept myself.

While I know there is still a long ways to go, I finally feel like I'm on the right path.

October is almost over already

Wow so I can't believe October is already coming to a close! With barely a week left in the month, I am shocked I haven't written a single post. And I was doing so well for so long with consistent updates...

I guess all I can do is say I guess life has just gotten away from me this month. After starting a new job at the end of July, I haven't really had much of a chance to stop and breathe. And, for better or worse, I don't see it slowing down until the end of the year. But, I will be doing my best to do more than a single post a month. That really is just not okay.

While it has been a bit like trying to drink from a fire-hydrant in this new position the last three months, I feel like I've really done well. I did get a bit thrown in and had to learn as I go, but I think that's been a huge advantage. Whereas my last position it seemed people were a bit afraid to let me take over projects and really dive into things, I've been encouraged to do that here. I've also been able to really learn how the carrier side of health insurance works. I've been working much closer with clients than I was at my prior position and I've actually really enjoyed that aspect. There's almost nothing better than getting emails from clients saying how happy they are working with you, especially when your day/week/month has been awful.

I've also been able to finally "stabilize" myself a bit more with the help a couple doctors. One of the reasons I feel like I've been so successful with clients is because I've started to really work on controlling my anxiety instead of letting it control me. And, while I don't think it will ever really go away, I feel like I've made huge progress in these past few months. I'm finally getting used to the various medications I need, I've gotten exercises to help me when I feel a panic attack coming on and I've just been learning more about myself. It is still a daily struggle not to get stuck in my head, but I finally feel like there's hope. I finally don't feel so completely broken. And that is an amazing feeling.

Dancing has been going really well. While I had been working on choreographing a couple dances a few weeks ago, that did get shifted to the back burner lately. I have still been going to class, although one of the classes I enjoyed the most did get canceled recently. I had thought I had found the studio that I was going to transition to fully in the upcoming year, but the way they handled the cancellation completely put me off and I'm going to another studio on Thursday to continue the never ending search. I have been working on my Cecchetti III class because I may be taking that exam before the end of the year which is both terrifying and exciting.

Is that really all I've got to say after a month? I guess so. Don't worry kiddos, I'll be back before the end of the week with a new post!

August Update

I feel like I've really been slacking in keeping up with regular updates here. I'm sorry about that because there have been a lot of changes within the last month alone. Instead of trying to create a post for each one, I figured it would just be easier to make one master post of everything that has been going on the past few months.
 
First up, I got a new job on the first of August! It has been a whirlwind trying to learn all of the new reporting systems and everything that comes with starting a new job. Of course, the first few days were spent training and learning my new role, but I feel like I'm up and running now and ready for more responsibilities. I feel like I've really caught on quick and I'm going to be able to grow with this company. There's also been a possibility for me to make a change (within the company) to something with a bit more responsibilities. This is all still very early so I don't want to say too much and jinx myself, but I would love to be able to get this. It would be a big change in some ways which makes it a bit scary, but I think I need this change. And I really, really want this.
 
Second, I'm back in dance. Every summer, there's a three week break from classes and that break really makes me feel lazy. Even though I do keep up with basic barre work, it just isn't the same as actually being in class. I've also started taking classes at a second studio and I'm looking forward to seeing how the style of ballet compares to the Cecchetti I'm so used to. I've been working on my grade III Cecchetti and hope to take the exam soon because for Grade IV, you have to choreograph a dance. Even though I don't have to start working on it yet, I have. I've been working on two dances, one is to a classical piece and the other to a more modern song. I don't know how long it will take for me to finish these (because choreographing is hard) but I'm hoping that by taking classes at two studios I'll be able to create something really amazing for both dances.
 
On the subject of things that are hard and impossible, I've been writing a book! The past month I've been in the planning stages, creating characters, fleshing out the places, and working on the overall storyline. And I think I'm actually making great progress. I've decided that I'm going to try to generate a chapter every other week (fingers crossed I can actually stick to this schedule). I also found this ARTICLE of writing advice from Chuck Palahniuk which I'm going to use when I go back to edit when I'm done, or close to done.

GISHWHES ended last Sunday and, as someone that never has participated before, I can say that it was an amazing and insane week. I met a lot of great people from across the world on my team and I can't seem to stop gushing about how much I loved it. Like many people, it seems like I'm going through GISHWHES withdrawl, so I'm hoping to be a part of the volunteer team that helps to put together the coffee table book. While I'm
 
I was planning on starting my classes at UTD this semester but due to the fact that I started a new job on the first, I pushed it back to the Spring semester. It really has been nice to enjoy the summer off, without any stress of classes, and I must say I'm a bit worried about taking such a break from school. I know that it was in my best interest to defer my enrollment to the Spring so that I could really focus on learning this new role, but I'm also going to miss taking classes. Especially since I've now gotten to the point that I'm taking a lot of classes I really enjoy and look forward to.  
 
Lastly, on a more personal note, I've finally started taking medication. I've known for years that I suffer from anxiety, depression and panic attacks, but I've never actually gone to get medication to help me deal with these issues. And now, after being on medication for over a month to deal with them (as well as ADD), I don't know why I haven't don't this sooner. I really feel like a different person. While I have realized that there are certain things I can no longer do, I generally feel like a better person. It isn't like I'm taking a single miracle pill that just makes me "normal"and I do still struggle with some of the same things, they don't feel quite so overwhelming. I'm also trying to adjust to the fact that I can't do things, like go to a bar and drink, like I used to because (shockingly) alcohol and a cocktail of medication really doesn't mix well. Since this didn't occur to me that past few times I've gone out to have drinks, the nights have ended poorly. But, I guess it is all about making adjustments and changing my life to fit a lifestyle that will, in the long run, make me a happier, more balanced person.
 
As I continue this journey, I'm sure you will all see more posts about it because I had never considered taking medication because there is a serious stigma about mental health that people just need to get over it and deal with their problems on their own. Taking that first step to actually talk to a professional about the fact that I have had panic attacks while trying to have a "fun" night out was terrifying. I know I'll make more mistakes as I learn to balance what I can and cannot do. But hey, at least I'm working on it.

It isn't glamorous, this is a constant battle

The internet is a safe place for a lot of people to show a side of themselves that they have felt the need to hide from the public eye for a long time. Wordpress and tumblr and youtube and countless other sites have helped people realize that they aren't alone in the way that they feel.

But it has also glorified the idea of being socially awkward or having an anxiety disorder. 

It is great that there are places that people can come together and learn that they are not alone and there are other people dealing with these problems, it is insulting when there's a constant cry of "I'm socially awkward because I like this show and prefer to spend time online." There seems to be something glamorous about being "diagnosed" with some sort of anxiety disorder. 

While it is great to know that there are other people out there with the same crippling fear of having to meet knew people and possibly making an idiot out of myself if/when I say the wrong thing, there's absolutely nothing great about the fact that I've had panic attacks because I've ventured somewhere outside of my comfort zone. Sure, I prefer to spend time online and find people that have a lot of the same interests as I do, but I wish I could be the kind of person that was able to go out and meet lots of new people and have fun. 

But I can't. 

There's always been a stigma surrounding mental disorders and maybe now that places like tumblr make us feel "safe" about talking about them, they've now become the "cool" thing to have to deal with. No one wants to have to really talk to people about the fact that they can get completely consumed by the thoughts in their head. No one wants to have to admit to other people that while we really, really want to be able to participate in the conversations around us, we're dealing with a part of ourself that is telling us that the next thing we say will be dumb or irrelevant or whatever. 

And I know that people deal with these things differently. Hell, for years I refused to even acknowledge that there was something wrong and only very recently have I realized that I can't do this on my own. I created my own ways to cope with anxiety and panic. 

But the same people that are glamorizing these problems are also minimizing them. 

You might know someone that is struggling with depression but you would never know because they don't "act" depressed or seem sad. There might be a friend that struggles with an eating disorder but you would never guess because they don't look like the pictures you've seen of the end result. An anxiety disorder manifests itself in different ways for different people. But one thing is certain, these things are not fun and are not to be glamorized. This is a fight I have every morning trying to get myself out of bed. This is a battle that I have constantly through every moment of every day. I have to fight a huge part of myself if I want to go out to do anything with people.

This really sucks.

It is fine to not want to have to go out and deal with people on a regular basis. People are exhausting what with the whole putting on clothes and going places and whatever. But I know that I would like to see less people saying "OMG I'm so socially awkward because I want to watch Doctor Who instead of go out. I've obviously got a social anxiety disorder because I like television shows over people"