Change how you react

So much of life is dependent on how we choose to react to what happens to us.

Each day, we subconsciously choose how things will affect us. In positive moments, it’s so effortless for us to be happy. Yet, the moment something doesn’t work out the way we intended, we automatically shift back to the negative.

Change how you react to the things that didn’t work out the way you intended.

That job/internship/position you wanted and didn’t get? Realize that maybe this is your life steering you towards another direction where a new opportunity will arise.

That person who didn’t love you back? Recognize that they are not in a point in their lives where they are capable of giving you the love you deserve.

That bad day you had at work? Acknowledge that this is a case of mind over matter. Was it really that bad of a day? Or, did you let one little incident ruin the entire day?

Our society as a whole is so inclined to think negative. What if this happens? What if that happens? What if this isn’t good enough? So many times, I overhear people complaining about this, that, and the other thing. Yes, things happen in life, but negative thinking will only cultivate more negative occurrences.

It’s in your hands. You can choose to stay down, burying yourself in a deeper hole by telling yourself you’re not good enough or that only bad things happen to you.

Or, you can be upset about it for a little and then change your thinking. Acknowledge that you can move forward. Establish how you can make things better or what else you have going for you in the moment.

Your reaction is everything. It says more about your outlook on life than anything else. I’m not saying this is easy because it’s not. In fact, it’s a day-by-day process, but so much of our lives are impacted by our thinking.

When things don’t work out, don’t look at it in a negative light. Instead, look at it as a “shift” in your life. A “shift” to something or someone new.

A positive attitude will give you a positive life.

A negative attitude will give you a negative life.

It seems so simple yet, we make it so hard. Change how you react to situations and you will change your life. 

Letting go of love

I can lie to myself as I twist the story in my mind, exploiting the ambiguity of the details. I can’t lie to the pages anymore. It feels wrong, like my fingertips are betraying my heart and my mind, just like my heart betrayed my mind in it’s blatant denial of all logic.

It’s been noted on multiple occasions that I’m not good at everyday things. I have no common sense, I’m impulsive, I’m clumsy, I ramble, tangle sentences, I forget things, I’m lazy, always too early and relentlessly unforgiving towards myself.

Perhaps my greatest downfall is my abstract mind; repeatedly a traitor, leading me astray. I’m always falling into the traps set by my clumsy heart.

I loved you. I can say that in the past tense because in the moment it was love as I knew it. My definition of love is malleable, forever changing in the midst of my experience and introspection but in the moments of knowing you, it was love to the best of my knowledge. It was the truest form of love that I have to offer.

It was love because a weight lifted in your presence. I was lighter than air, my filter evaporated and I was liberated. I couldn’t think straight but I was free and I didn’t care because freedom was infinitely better than the suffocating in the haze of my thoughts.

I let myself believe for a moment too long that you could feel the same. Not that you did, that you could and that was enough to send me over the edge into a void where my sanity was detached and I was an endless stream of thoughts and emotions that came in waves but never saw pauses or endings.

Maybe was my demise. There was no black or white. I was stuck in the grey, the mid tones that formed the overall picture. If I cropped it just so they showed me the picture I wanted to see. A picture where you wanted me as I’d wanted you; caught up in a balancing act of restraint where neither of us could move in fear of toppling the whole structure.

For so long, you were my everything, my inspiration, the force that drove me further in my everyday pursuits. All of the potential energy locked up in an ‘us’ daring to be released. I could write about you for hours on end, I could play music that made my heart shiver, I could make art that made sense of the moment. It was driving me mad but I fell in love with the madness. The curse and I formed a symbiotic relationship as we grew to a formidable size. I was unstoppable.

I wanted to be for you what you were to me. I wanted to inspire you, be your passion because I forgot I was cursed. I thought I owed it to you to in return. The universe does not work in terms of equal exchange though and I am infinitely grateful for that.

I’m not over you yet, because it’s hard and the curse is so intricately tangled into my being that I can’t be rid of it without destroying myself a little in the process. I’m afraid, after being overwhelmed with such passion that I might never love again in the same way. I’m afraid it’ll always be you, and every lover I have will fall short.

How could they possibly live up to what we could’ve been? But that’s all we ever were… a maybe. A possibility, a theory, an alternate universe.

I thought I was never going to be okay again. Thought I’d never think with clarity again because everything reminded me of you, no matter how distantly linked there was always something.

Now it’s a  quiet night, I’m all alone, I’ve got a cozy hoody on and I look up at the sky. I’m mesmerized by it’s beauty and my own insignificance in it’s wake. I stand there, minutes slip. I don’t want to leave because in this moment I’ve realized that I’m not afraid of the dark anymore. The maybes that might lurk in the dark can’t touch me whilst they hide in the shadows. Schrödinger’s cat can’t pounce whilst it’s still in the box. It’s heads and tails until the coin drops. It’s in this moment that I realize that love can’t flourish in the realm of perhaps. The possibilities and mysteries of you and I are endless. But that’s all they are, possibilities. That’s all they’ll ever be. Anything and everything is possible until proven impossible, but I can’t waste my life chasing the limit of possibility.

I won’t waste my life chasing love. Not a love like that. 

To those I've casually dated:

I would ask how it’s going, but I already know. I know because I’m not afraid to look you up, or say hi, or meet you for drinks. I know because keeping up with you doesn’t torment me. I’m glad to know you’re doing well; I’m glad you’re there to retweet my tweets. I’m glad we never made it to the point of no return. I'm glad that even when we did, we managed to circle back to civility and friendship.

What we had wasn’t epic, and it certainly wasn’t eternal – but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t special. We swapped stories and spit; most times, we shared more than that. Beds. Meals. Toothbrushes. Homes. We met each other’s friends, and sometimes even each other’s families. That was good enough, wasn’t it? Great, even. We devoured each other’s details; we ate up the minutiae like every date was Christmas. My mind felt more full when I left you; it was overflowing with wonder. You never gave yourself away and I’d think, “As it should be.”

Of course, it was far from perfect. You’d hurt me once in a while; maybe you’d neglect my birthday or our rendezvous would become infrequent; then nonexistent. We became too indifferent to argue about anything. I wanted to hate you, but I’d have to love you first – and maybe I never quite got there, did I? What a relief.

Don’t get me wrong. I considered it in the most casual way possible. I really Liked You. But saying, “I Love You,” and meaning it, that’s heavy. We were too fun for that. We Liked Each Other Too Much. Seems silly, seems almost childish, but we couldn’t love each other because we liked each other. ‘Like’ is a pompom, it’s a firework. It’s celebratory and exciting. But love? Love is a tattoo. Love is a 16-car pileup. Love is a scar. Permanent; crippling; ugly.

We never made it there, but that’s okay. We made it to other places. We made it to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Dallas, but never to our final plans in Chicago. We made it to my bedroom, where you made me watch Pawn Stars for the first time. We made it to unmarked bars, to outdoor campfires by the lake, to the beach. We made it to the underside of bridges. We played poker, we played phone tag. We made out in the rain and in the middle of sidewalks for so long that it went from clichéd to avant-garde and then back again. We got kicked out of places together; we got locked out of places together. That certainly counts for something.

You taught me what People I Loved couldn’t – that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. That I don’t have to regret my choices. Sometimes, I made pretty good ones – like dating you. I learned that dating should feel good. It shouldn’t cause your teeth to gnash; it shouldn’t wrack you with anxiety. It didn't have to be all or nothing. You taught me that the default after the regression of a relationship isn’t complete and utter destruction. It can be a friendly text, a retweet, a thumbs up when one of us accomplishes something we’ve been working at for years.

Thanks for giving me memories, giving me your friendship, giving me hope. I’m always rooting for you.

XO (Drinks soon?)

Finding a true calling

When I was younger, I wish someone had told me straight-up that not all adults experience “a calling”. That many of them never find particular purpose in a career. That sometimes, their job is just what pays the bills and they have to seek satisfaction and fulfillment elsewhere. That sometimes, a job is simply just a way to make money to enjoy life. That having a job you may not love isn't terrible, employment is not about personal fulfillment.

Because as an adult, this pervasive notion that there exists a perfect path for everyone, that people should love what they do, and that work is meant to function as a vehicle for fulfilling a person’s grand life destiny is not only inaccurate for many of us, it can be toxic.

The ideal is so ingrained that I have to remind myself constantly I’m not a failure because I don’t adore my job, and because I’m not rocking the world with my work. That is okay. I am not a failure because I chose to keep my hobbies just that, hobbies that I can enjoy. There is nothing wrong with taking a path that allows me to enjoy life, while doing something that I may not have always dreamed of doing.

Maybe we all need to collectively unlearn the idea that certain achievements like graduating college, getting a job, and moving out only count if they’re achieved by a certain age or within a “normal” time frame. Maybe it's time we all learned that going through life at your own pace does NOT equate laziness or failure. None of our accomplishments have an expiration date.

Sometimes, work is just work. There isn’t always a perfect career path, magically waiting to be discovered. There may not be a calling waiting to be heard to perfect your life. There might not be this thing you were born to do. Don't sit around waiting to discover what you want to be when you grow up.

Because, sometimes, you discover that what you really want to be when you grow up is “paid”.

24 things I wish I had known before I turned 24

1. Your first heartbreak is going to be the worst. You’ll be fine within the year.
2. They don't care if you cut your wrists or your legs or your hands or feet for her. Don’t do it.
3. Enveloping yourself in a book or movie on a Friday night is okay. There will be parties next weekend, too.
4. Don’t play hard to get. Don’t play any games at all. If you have to play a game with someone to get them to fall for you, they aren’t worth it.
5. When you find out anyone cheated and you run out of the restaurant and punch a light pole til your knuckles are bleeding and bruised, remember that people can see you. Don’t show them how weak you are.
6. When you find the next person who makes you feel something for the first time after your last break up, do not trust them. They know you are vulnerable and will use it against you.
7. Run from anyone you feel a magnetic pull towards. If you are drawn to someone you barely know, run. That will never end well.
8. Thank your parents. They really do love you.
9. There will come a day when you begin to say the things your parents told you. This is just a sign of you growing and maturing. It's natural.
10. Your priorities should be yourself, then school, then partying. In that order.
11. You’re gonna wanna say, “I love you” much sooner than you should. Make sure you’re both ready for it.
12. You don’t NEED anyone but yourself and a good group of people that loves you. A significant other will not fill the void in your heart.
13. You can like whatever music or movies you want. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re bad or stupid for the things you enjoy.
14. When your animal dies it’s gonna break your fucking heart. It’s okay.
15. Never open your mouth when you’re angry.
16. It’s okay to cry. Whether it’s because you failed a test, the book/movie was really good, or your chest is ripped wide open because someone left without a warning, you can cry.
17. People are gonna leave. That’s not a reflection of you, don’t blame yourself.
18. Don't worry that you don't have life figured out. No one else does, either. Life is just a lot of trial and error. Just be sure to learn from your mistakes. 
19. Smoking cigarettes will not benefit you in any way. Stop while you’re ahead.
20. There's no need to drink every night. You might be stressed, you might have had a bad day, but put the wine back. Go for a run instead. You'll feel better and won't hate yourself in the morning. Especially those mornings you have to be up early.
21. If you are not a whole person, do not try to date someone. Two halves don’t make a whole. They make a broken and toxic relationship.
22. If they call you on your birthday and tell you they are seeing someone else, do not stay on the phone and cry. Do not tell them you miss them. Say, “I’ve gotta go, it’s my birthday.” And never speak to them again.
23. You are always good enough. If people don’t want you, it’s a reflection of their shortcomings, not your own.
24. If you want it, go for it. Don't worry about what other people might say or what anyone else might think. Try now, because you might not be able to later, 

Feminists hate patriarchy. We do not hate you.

So you hate feminists. They're trying to ruin society and make your life impossible. Do you really understand what a feminist is? Do you realize how dismantling the patriarchy is for the benefit of everyone? Well, let me try to explain it to you...

Feminists do not want you to lose custody of your children. The assumption that women are naturally better caregivers is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not like commercials in which bumbling dads mess up the laundry and competent wives have to bustle in and fix it. The assumption that women are naturally better housekeepers is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to have to make alimony payments. Alimony is set up to combat the fact that women have been historically expected to prioritize domestic duties over professional goals, thus minimizing their earning potential if their “traditional” marriages end. The assumption that wives should make babies instead of money is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want anyone to get raped in prison. Permissiveness and jokes about prison rape are part of rape culture, which is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want anyone to be falsely accused of rape. False rape accusations discredit rape victims, which reinforces rape culture, which is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to be lonely and we do not hate “nice guys.” This idea that women are after a "tough guy" is patriarchy. The idea that certain people are inherently more valuable than other people because of superficial physical attributes is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to have to pay for dinner. We want the opportunity to achieve financial success on par with men in any field we choose (and are qualified for), and the fact that we currently don’t is part of patriarchy. The idea that men should coddle and provide for women, and purchase their affections in romantic contexts, is condescending and damaging. And also part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to be maimed or killed in industrial accidents, or toil in coal mines while we do cushy secretarial work and various yarn-themed activities. The fact that women have long been shut out of dangerous industrial jobs (by men, by the way) is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to commit suicide. Any pressures and expectations that lower the quality of life of any gender are part of patriarchy. The fact that depression is characterized as an effeminate weakness, making men less likely to seek treatment, is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to be viewed with suspicion when you take your child to the park (men frequently insist that this is a serious issue, so I will take them at their word). The assumption that men are insatiable sexual animals, combined with the idea that it’s unnatural for men to care for children, is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to be drafted and then die in a war while we stay home and iron. The idea that women are too weak to fight or too delicate to function in a military setting is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want women to escape prosecution on legitimate domestic violence charges, nor do we want men to be ridiculed for being raped or abused. The idea that women are naturally gentle and compliant and that victimhood is inherently feminine is part of patriarchy.

Feminists hate patriarchy. We do not hate you.

If you really care about those issues as passionately as you say you do, you should be thanking feminists. Feminism is a social movement actively dedicated to dismantling every single one of them. The fact that you blame feminists—your allies—for problems against which they have been struggling for decades suggests that supporting men isn’t nearly as important to you as resenting women.

We care about your problems a lot. Could you try caring about ours?

Leaving comfort for courage

Courage will always require an element of leaving. Leaving is just plain hard.

Leaving comfort for courage makes me want to wrap my arms around every ounce of safety in my life, hoping if I hold on tight enough that I won’t have to taste the pain of the leaving what I know is inevitable. Leaving comfort and safety looks and sounds alluring and attractive, but the attraction fades quickly—in fact, I have never felt so vulnerable, small, and needy...words that are not known for their alluring appeal.

Moving from comfort to courage will cause you to question your decision. It will cause you to look around for the safety bars, seatbelt, and any kind of security button. You will look for the easy way out because maybe this isn't worth it.

Moving from comfort to courage will cause you to try to make something happen. You will scheme, make phone calls, send out Hail Mary e-mails—anything to distract from sitting in the fear.

Moving from comfort to courage will cause you to doubt your abilities. You will look at everything that you have failed at in the past—failed relationships, failed financial decisions, failed leadership calls—and you will wonder if you will repeat those patterns and if they are indicators to go out and look for comfort again.

Moving from comfort to courage will cause you to be jealous of your neighbors. They all seem to be perfectly content with their lives. You will wonder if you are some sort of crazy person that has a unhealthy propensity to live on the edge.

Moving from comfort to courage will cause you to white knuckle yourself around anything that feels secure and semi-safe.

Moving from comfort to courage will cause others to question you. Especially those that have found security to be a bedrock to build their lives on. You will be misunderstood, questioned, and perhaps even seen as foolish.

I am terrified, but I am willing to try.

Stop being afraid of living

When the other shoe seems to consistently drop and sadness feels like a perpetual state of being, it’s hard not to tremble in the face of that fleeting feeling called happiness. You’ve become so accustomed to a pessimistic viewpoint that a change in perspective leaves you seeing double or tirelessly squinting or completely blind altogether. So you call it necessary and you label it “defense” and you talk yourself out of unknown situations.

Stop.

Stop being afraid of happiness.

Stop being afraid to look in the mirror and hold your head high despite what a magazine or billboard or a member of the opposite sex considers attractive.

Stop being afraid to smile when they remember to put the toothpaste in the shower because, unlike them, you can’t brush your teeth without making a mess so you kill two birds with one stone every morning.

Stop being afraid of laying back in an armchair and filling your lungs with relaxation and taking the time to appreciate your accomplishments and the hard work that captured them.

Stop being afraid to lean on broad shoulders or hide between frail arms or blink tears that make you look less than desirable but allow you to experience real, unabashed, genuine comfort.

Stop being afraid to sink into a quiet night at their place where you desperately try to cook while they harmlessly chuckle and you both end up ordering from a takeout menu.

Stop being afraid to laugh so hard you snort or cry so hard it hurts or waste days with others that have occupied your life long after the ones you once loved so much have gone.

Stop being afraid to cherish goodbye kisses and good morning whispers and how-was-your-day hugs.

Stop being afraid to show the birthmark you always cover and the scar you got from your father and the message that ended the relationship you compare every subsequent relationship to.

Stop being afraid to admit that you love seeing them every day and miss them when they’re only a few miles away and have a hard time sleeping at night when they’re not next to you.

Stop being afraid to put on music and dance in your underwear and smile for no reason other than you’re enjoying a moment completely alone.

Stop being afraid of that greasy burger or that layered cake or that five cheese macaroni that leaves you in a succulent heaven only calories and sugars can take you.

Stop being afraid of life.

Because the other shoe will drop too many times and sadness will feel like a perpetual state of being more than once and a pessimistic viewpoint will begin to feel all too common again and again.

And in those moments, your happiness will carry you through.

We are more than just a number

We are more than numbers formed using calculations and logic. We are not just some tiny dot on a graph or a conclusion to be drawn. We are heartfelt laughter during a Friday night out with best friends. You are the tears streaming down your face, emotionally stripped and raw from a breakup; and just as equally the tears of joy when you are overwhelmed by the presence of God on a Sunday morning.

I am more than the number flashing across the scale or the inch where the measuring tape meets when pulled snugly around my waist. I am my favorite pair of jeans that hug in all of the right places and an old, worn-in t-shirt that is softer than the finest cashmere.

We are more than the countless number of magazines and advertisements screaming "You’re not good enough just the way that you are". Beauty comes from a place inside, so hidden that it could rival the depths of the ocean. It shines through from your soul, radiating from the inside out. It is reflected out into the world through kindness and compassion towards others.

I am more than the number of people that I have dated, loved, or slept with. I will not be labelled as a slut, a prude, or damaged goods — regardless of what people say or how many times my heart has been bruised. You are the equivalent of your personal choices and the freedom to do whatever you please.

You are more than your GPA. Your thoughts, intelligence, and character could never be added up and divided into a precise percentage. You are all of the adventures, mistakes and late nights spent with friends when you should be sitting at home quietly studying.

We are more than amount of debt you owe or the balance in that checking account. I am a part of places traveled and the experiences shared. You could be diving off a cliff, trekking through the rainforest or swimming underneath a waterfall. I am the places I have been. You are the adventures you've had.

You are more than a statistic stating that you are a part of a minority, ignorantly claiming that you will never be equal to the ideal, no matter how hard you work. We are determined, ambitious, and driven by our own hopes and dreams. We are striving to be the best possible version of ourselves because that is what truly matters.

We are not the number of days, hours, and minutes we have on this earth.

You are how you decide to use that time to leave your own legacy behind.

You are all of these little things added up into one infinitesimal sum.

We are alive.

The next lost generation?

Everywhere I look, I see young, already world-weary faces and wandering eyes. Girls with drunk-blushed smiles silhouetted by city lights at dawn. A motivational quote — “to the stars through difficulty” — inscribed on a faded picture of a stormy, rocky coastline. Another urgent click-bait article tallying the world’s human rights violations. The bar-wide sigh at Saturday night’s last call. Wherever I go, I find lost people.

You probably do too. The newly-minted grad who left America venturing out into unknown landscapes seeking spiritual solace and answers or simply a little more time before applying for the ordinary, entry-level job that she only joked about one day taking. The uplifting phrases that people post to get them through the tedium of everydayness, sharing their solitude with anyone that will listen. The social media activist’s silent call-to-arms from their desk chair soapbox. The exhausting work weeks that lead to fleeting weekends. Everyone seems to be a stranger in a strange world. When I see them, there is a moment of recognition; I recognize the lost because I see it in myself.

I experience the same sinking feeling when I read Fitzgerald’s stories about the crestfallen capitalist or the drunk socialite walking down a street crowded with other lonely people watched over by the all-seeing eyes of Dr. Eckleburg. I feel it when I read stoic Hemingway’s stories of all-too-human heroes, poised and gracefully resigned to fate. It’s in their tone. Between the words there is a sense of bleak acceptance of modern existence and its challenges; a sense of the world being too large and too chaotic for them to understand.

To be “deracinated” means to be torn up by the roots. The Lost Generation was made up of the 1920s’ 20s-somethings, young men and women that were deracinated by World War I. Lives were lost and the ideals of the past were lost with them. Whether or not they had fought on the European front, they were different after the war. The atrocities of war broke them, shattered their once optimistic view of humanity. Their homeland didn’t feel like home, and nowhere else did either. With no roots to secure them, they were free but without any meaning. I wonder, are we Millennials any different now?

We didn’t grow up during a World War, but September 11th had a similar effect on us. Terrorism destroyed our sense of security, of protection, and left us with a pervading feeling of uneasiness and instability. For those of us that were young when the attacks happened, we subconsciously realized that tomorrow was not a given. When we hit college, we started believing that “you only live once” in order to justify decisions today that would leave us with hangovers tomorrow. This is paranoia manifesting itself. Rather than cope with the fact that tomorrow is not promised, we don’t think about it. Furthermore, with technology and media taking such large roles in our lives, we have become hyper-aware. Videos of children strapped with bombs walking into crowds of people have desensitized us. We’ve made empty friendships based off of likes and filtered photos rather than honest conversation and shared silence. The economy is terrible and diplomas don’t assure us of anything. We flail and flounder through self-help blogs that after a while begin to say the same thing.

We are freer now than ever, yet increasingly dissatisfied with everything. We think what we want is more, but what we really want is meaning. In a post-modern world where meaning is assigned by the individual, we crack under the stress and anxiety of trying to determine what it is we want to do. And this cycle will repeat itself until we find a solution like the Lost Generation did.

And so what did the Hemingways and Zeldas do to overcome this meaninglessness? They admitted defeat. They gave up on trying to shape the formless and chaotic future. They stopped looking backwards at the painful past to provide answers for them. All that was left was the present moment and their selfhood, and so they worked with that. If they were going to navigate the modern world, they had to begin with themselves. By turning inward they cultivated rich identities and personas. They began to live for experiences that would shape them as a person. They traveled, drank wine, swam in foreign oceans, and used these experiences to define themselves as unique beings, as innovators that walked on the cutting edge until their feet bled.

But they didn’t stop there. They used these experiences to create. They poured the entirety of their existence into typewriters and found resurrection through catharsis. The war had turned cities to dust and fields to ash. Once the mourning was over, they started anew and created better, grander monuments that were testaments to life for the sake of life. They planted new roots in the burnt fields. They pulled out their splinters and shrapnel and with those sharp pieces built new cathedrals where the old ones had fallen. They treated life like an immense work of art, and because of this, they grew back stronger in the broken places. By expressing themselves through art they saw their true selves. And after all of this turmoil and creation, they glowed like a rising sun that illuminated their generation-wide dark night of the soul.

We must do the same thing if we want to stop feeling lost and directionless. We need to start by discovering ourselves. This process requires us to abandon what society and Facebook tell us we should be doing and instead do what brings us to life, what ignites us. Existence is not going through the motions of comfortable routines. We need to embrace the excitement and fear that comes from exploring unfamiliar places.

So dislodge yourself. Swear off complacency and security and live like a bullfighter, hanging on to each moment as though it were your last. Don’t settle for certainty. If we can do this, we will find and define ourselves. Only then can we create and contribute to the human experience so that others may find themselves as well. Treat your life like a work of art so that when you are gone others can look and see the beauty and bravery of your existence. This process will not be easy, but in the end, I think we will see that it was worth it.

And that's where I'm going from here. As I look on as part of the next Lost Generation, I've decided to take a leap into the unknown.

And by losing myself, maybe I can actually find myself.

5 things I'll remember with this fresh start

As I'm starting a new job, I've decided that there are five important things to keep in mind as I start on this new opportunity. 

1. Leave All Baggage Behind.
More often than not, leaving a job is akin to coming out of a bad relationship. You carry with you the scars that have been inflicted; you build stronger walls to guard yourself from the hurt that’s been knifed through you; and you recoil back to your cocoon, shielding everyone from your true self, and blocking them from getting to you. My advice? Leave it; leave all the emotional baggage behind. Don’t let preconceived notions based on previous bad experiences cloud your judgment and act as stumbling blocks to your newfound journey. Your experience will only be as good as you envision it to be, so start your journey with an open heart and mind and give it your all so at least you’ll have no regrets if things don’t turn out the way you expected them to.

2. Learn From Past Mistakes.
Remember back at your previous job when you wished you could rewind the clock and reverse all the nasty boo-boos you made — be it getting involved in vile office politics, speaking before thinking, or passing out on golden opportunities? As a bystander, you’ve also seen how others have threaded down the wrong path as well. Now here’s your chance to grow from your mistakes and make sure you don’t revisit the past and encounter déjà vu moments. If there’s anything your previous job taught you, it’s wisdom and foresight to avoid taking the same wrong path.

3. Learn And Emulate Positive Experiences.
Don’t just take away the bad experiences, remember and learn from the good ones as well. Emulate and better the positive experiences from your previous job like inspirational leadership traits from your superiors and mentors; positive work ethics and EQ skills from your colleagues; and, most importantly, learn to seek out and identify the strength in each and every individual so every personal encounter can be a gratifying takeaway for you.

4. Don’t Draw Lines.
Be it on the work or personal front, avoid drawing clear-cut lines that will only cast you out to be an inflexible and anal-retentive asshole. If more work is thrown your way, seize the opportunity to showcase your capabilities and open up the way to a shining bright start! Don’t miss out on the chance to get to know your colleagues better on a personal level either. After all, isn’t it always better to work with friends who are looking out for you? And workdays just seem to pass by faster when the people at work make you feel at home!

5. Don’t Count The Days, Make The Days Count.
I have this habit of crossing out days on my calendar to make myself feel better about the days that have passed, and so that I can look forward to — yet see, that’s the thing, I don’t know exactly what I’m looking forward to either and I guess that’s a bad way to start a new job because it makes the days seem like a chore, as though I’m counting down to new opportunities or to the end of the job. No one starts a beginning with an end in mind, so scrap that and start making the days count instead. Rather than filling your calendar pages with angry crosses, challenge yourself by filling them with noteworthy things you’ve done at your job instead. That way, when you look back on the days, you’ll be heartened by your sense of self-fulfillment and how much you’ve grown as a person.

Challenging our own differences

The way we define ourselves is by what we like and dislike, what we do or don’t do, what we believe or don’t believe, etc. and the problem with this ego-level method of understanding ourselves is that it doesn’t leave room for other opinions, reconsideration or inherent tolerance for the opinions of others. We have based our own person on ideas of what’s right and what’s wrong– challenge those, you challenge who we believe we are.

We’re conditioned by our individual experiences, and our minds filter through situations in constructed lights crafted by past experiences that our subconscious does not want to repeat. We attach ourselves to or plight ourselves against different things and ideas and people to ground ourselves in some version of reality. We’re choosing the quality of our lives by what we choose to subscribe to by the way of what means having a happy life, a fulfilling life. But in doing this, we forget to consider a crucial element of happiness, and that’s being able to affiliate with people, all people, and to seek greater peace among people: to coexist.

These opinions, or self-definitions as I see them, have become a source of tension on a micro scale, and a cause of world war on a macro scale. What instilled in us the notion that we all have to agree, and that our points and opinions and self-identities are only as valid as we can make others believe they are?

Our differences should be opportunities to learn and grow and evaluate and re-evaluate and to realize that our beings and our mind’s idea of who we are are not the same. To recognize that we should all have respect (and largely do) for the internal beings that reside within even when we most vehemently disagree with what the external of those people are doing.

In an ideal world, we should be using these differences to understand why we’ve chosen to subscribe to a certain belief of lifestyle and then to realize why something means so much to us when another person disregards it as worthless, and why this threatens us so much.

A spectrum of people and ideas and thoughts can be healthy and informative and worthwhile if we learn to not buck them. We need our differences. We actually, literally need them. We’re otherwise destined for nothing but a robotic utopia, denying every part of us that isn’t like the rest; as though the majority’s opinion is the only one worth having.

But we were taught how to have our own opinions, and it’s easy. We get emotionally attached to something and we stick with it. We fear change. But we need to work on curating the new norm for what comes after we’ve sworn ourselves to our own opinions, and that’s acknowledging other people’s ideas as being valid, even if they threaten or undermine ours in some way. Because the issue comes back down to the fact that you can disagree with someone, but that doesn’t mean you can disrespect them. 

A heavy heart goes unnoticed

A heavy heart goes unnoticed. It becomes an ache that is pushed out through weak valves and into the corridors of an upset stomach. Like shots of adrenaline, thoughts of you stir in my core. My heart races. My breath is heavy. My nerves are shot. Ailments of a broken spirit. Ailments of a spirit so far lost into the depths of the human body, into the human soul. It can’t be seen, it can’t be touched, it can’t be tasted. Love is felt.

Love is defined as, “an intense feeling of deep affection”. Hate is defined as “intense dislike for someone or something.” To really delve into the meaning of these human emotions and all relative, we also need to define intense. Intense can be defined as having strong feelings or opinions.

We can probably go around and around defining what it is that provokes these strong or intense feelings, though, the key that is missing in these definitions is the use of uncontrollable.

Intense and uncontrollable situations go hand in hand. Uncontrollable situations and feelings spark intense and reactive feelings and situations. You might say, “I control everything in my life. Nothing is uncontrollable. Everything is as I want it to be.” False. A BIG NO.

I would like to introduce you to the world of chain reactions. For every action is a reaction. For every reaction, is another reaction and so on. Sure, you have a choice. But when dealing with matters of the heart, choice becomes only a particle to the bigger picture.

A seed is planted in fertile soil. The soil is plentiful and moist, and has the potential to grow beautiful flowers, but the soil alone cannot ignite the reaction of growth by itself. Someone, or something, must choose to water it. The seed will respond. The seed will begin to unfold. The seed will see growth. The seed, in all of its fragility, will seem strong. Its growth thereafter is uncontrollable in the right conditions. The now beautiful bud of petals has deep affection for its water. The flower is now reliant on it. It trusts that the water will come back every time.

A good example can only go so far. Love is something people have been trying to define since the beginning of time. Tom Robbins once wrote, “There is only one serious question. And that is: Who knows how to make love stay?”

I don’t think you can make love do anything. Love, like the water, has action due to choice. And choice can only be made due to the human spirit; what is felt. And human spirit is uncontrollable.

My choice? Feel this uncontrollable mess, as much as I can. Embrace my choice to love with no guarantee of reciprocity. Conjure up the uncontrollable spirit, and spin it into choices far beyond what the world and its intensities have conjured up for me.

A heavy heart goes unnoticed; but I will water it and watch it grow.

Dear Justin

Can you believe that it's already been seven years already? Well, I'm sure you can. You're the one that's gone, after all.

Seven years.

So much has changed. Yet today will always be the same.

I don't think there will ever be an April 1st that I wake up with this feeling of dread. I'll always realize that I've made it through another year when you were taken away far too early. There wont ever be a morning that I don't ever wake up wishing that I could just tell you one last time how much you mean to me. There will never be a morning that I won't wonder what you would have been doing today.

Seven years and everything has changed.

Sometimes I think that maybe you were the glue that held so many of us together. After you left, so many of us drifted apart. I can't even remember the last time I talked to, let alone saw, so many of those friends. We had plans to be friends forever. But maybe that's just how life works. We all drifted apart. I would like to think that would have never happened with us. All of those plans we made and none of it ever actually worked out. I don't know if that's just growing up or growing apart. But we would never have grown apart, right?

Seven years and nothing is really all that different.

I still deal with the same problems that you would spend so many nights talking me through. I guess I've gotten better at dealing. Or hiding it. That really hasn't changed at all. All those late night phone calls and cigarettes and you would call me out on my bullshit when I needed it most. You always had that uncanny ability to look through the facade I put up every day. I have a couple other people that do that, too, now. I guess I'm still not that good at acting okay. Or maybe there are always going to be people like you that can read me.

I'm going to try to make it through the day without having a complete breakdown, but I don't think I can promise you that. I know that you were all about living life for the moment, being happy, and filling the world with laughter and joy. I should try to do the same. But I can't bring myself to do it. Today will always be the day I struggle to get out of bed and face the world that doesn't know what happened. Today will always be the day that I got the worst phone call of my life. Today will always be the day that we never made it to dinner. Today will always be that changed everything.

Seven years.

I miss you. I love you. I will never forget you. You will always be in my heart, Justin, and that is one thing that will never change. No matter how many years go by.

The First You

The first you was hopeful. Not in the hesitant way that understands the real possibility of failure yet continues to spitefully reach and claw and bite and grab. You hoped in a way that was effortless. A way that required little thought and minimal reserve. A way that reminded you of breathing or chewing or digesting. You inhaled plans and chewed through probabilities and digested inevitable outcomes painlessly.

The first you was curious. Not in the vindictive way that craves insider information or whispered secrets or confidential collusion. You were curious about simplistic beauties and subtle mysteries. You wanted to know why colors exploded in the morning and how stars winked at night and when existence started to matter. You inhaled theories and chewed through novels and digested the intelligent guesses of old.

The first you was eager. Not in the panicked way that pushes you to try winning an invisible race or chasing a fabricated block of cheese or comparing your fleeting successes to others’. You were eager to run for no reason and laugh inappropriately and smile regardless of crooked teeth. You inhaled moments and chewed through memories and digested every outcome that could possibly come your way.

The first you was sure. Not in the exhausting way that leaves you convincing yourself or repeating affirmations or silently debating with overworked synopses. You were sure about feelings and flailing limbs and answers to questions that had yet to be asked. You were sure about the spaces you filled and the words you spoke because who you were in an instant was all that mattered. You inhaled promises  and chewed through insecurities and digested your ever-growing confidence.

The first you was trusting. Not in the apprehensive way that has you sleeping with one eye open and dipping your toes in a cold relationship pool, looking behind your shoulder for nearby lifeguards and safety equipment. You fell because you trusted you’d be caught and you cried because you trusted tears would be wiped away and you divulged because you trusted mouths would stay closed. You inhaled intimacy and chewed through confidentiality and digested affection until it was all you could comprehend.

But the second you felt your hopes crumble and now you spitefully reach and claw and bite and grab.

The third you felt the stings of curiosity and now you vindictively crave insider information or whispered secrets or confidential collusion.

The fourth you felt the exhaustion of eagerness and now you’re trying to win an invisible race or chase a fabricated block of cheese or compare your fleeting successes to others’.

The fifth you felt the embarrassment of being sure so now you’re busy convincing yourself or repeating affirmations or silently debating with overworked synopses.

The sixth you felt the pain of trust so now you sleep with one eye open and dip your toes in a cold relationship pool, constantly looking behind your shoulder.

And you’re left wondering when, if ever, the next you will be anything like the first

You are not infinite.

There is a certain theme that has been sweeping the millennial population: This is the decade to make our mistakes.

Experience seems to be the be-all and end-all of life in our 20s. We can never be too drunk, too lost, too unsuccessful or too confused. We’re here to “Do it for the story” and “Figure it out as we go.” We urge each other not to bother with finding the right partner, pursuing the right career or building the right kind of life for ourselves. There is no right, right? We’re young. We have nothing but time to mess things up. This is the time for us to let loose and have fun. There’s plenty of time for the seriousness that will come with our 30’s.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen a friend leave a fantastic significant other because they’re “too young to get tied down.” I’ve cringed as perfectly capable peers have put off starting a career in favor of taking the time to “find themselves”. That’s an admirable sentiment. Self-awareness is important. But rejecting what we’re capable of is not what’s going to help us get found. Putting off the real world in the hopes we can “find ourselves” is a selfish endeavor that is bound to fail. The journey to figure who you are is never over.

We have to stop telling each other that 30 is the new 20. It’s not. Our bodies, our minds and our capabilities are aging as we go. We may have time to figure things out right now but that time won’t last forever. We cannot just watch our 20s go by in a drunken haze, moving from dead-end relationship to dead-end job and then expect to wake up at 30 having it all figured out. It won’t happen. We will wake up at 30 confused and unsure, wondering where the past decade of our lives has gone and why we didn’t use it to cultivate something more meaningful.

I’m not saying we have to figure it all out by 29. Success has no age and the maintenance of our triumphs is an ongoing project. But we cannot keep watching time pass us by on the basis of we’ll try for things later. Getting drunk four nights a week and working jobs that have no room for advancement are an insult to the people we could be developing ourselves into. We are robbing ourselves of the period of our lives when we have the most energy, the most creativity and the most freedom to express and create ourselves.

Sure, we have time to get things wrong. There isn’t a successful person out there who doesn’t know what it feels like to fall flat on their face. But the ongoing desire to “Live and learn” only works if we engage in the latter just as often as the former. The motivational speakers who preach the value of trial and error must be taken in context. Failure isn’t the path to success any more than potholes are the road to Disneyworld. They’re unfortunate bumps that we encounter along the way. Getting stuck doesn’t help us get anywhere. It’s the process of steering ourselves out of the potholes that makes for a better driver.

Let’s stop waiting until later to start getting our lives together. The beauty of being 20-whatever is that we do have time. We have time to try hard, fail hard, recover hard and come back hard. We have time to make every mistake that we’ll be damn well glad we’re done making by the time we turn 35. But we can’t let the mistakes be the end goal. We can’t let the experience define us. We’re not 17 anymore. It’s time we start defining ourselves.

Define yourself as a writer. A runner. A worker. A scholar. A painter. A parent. A planner. An adult. This is the time to become everything you’ll build on for the rest of your life. It’s the time to shoot for every pipe dream, develop every prospect and bring to life each ambition you’ve been harboring since you learned to walk and dream.

30 is not the new 20. But it turns out the old 20 is not such a bad age to be.

What's wrong with being single?

Being single is difficult for many people. You reach a point in your life when you feel like you have no one but yourself. It can affect your emotional, physical, and mental health. But being alone does not have to be the equivalent of being lonely. As Oscar Wilde once said: “I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person”. After spending five years in a relationship, I've realized there are many amazing things about being single.

You are alone, there is no one but you. Now, that may be terrifying at first, but it is also liberating. There is no one to tell you what to do. As they say, the ball is in your court; it's your move. You are in charge and you make your own decisions. No one else will do it for you, and you don’t have to worry about collateral damage. You want to go on a trip? Pack your bags and go! You will always be there for you. You are your best listener and confidante. You are your best friend and family. You can go out and not worry about trying to convince someone to go with you. It isn't about someone else's agenda, do what you want.

Since you are in charge, you have no one to tell you who you should be. This is your opportunity to discover who you are. Not only is the journey exciting, but you are closer to becoming the person you truly are. The closer you become, the more you realize you aren’t a collection of other people or what they think of you. You are not who everyone wants you to be. You are who you want to be. Be the best you — no excuses, explanations, or apologies necessary. The more you spend time with yourself, the more you focus on yourself and realize how you have your back. As they say, “If you don’t love yourself, no one will”. The best relationship you can have is with yourself.

There is no one to tell you what to do, but there is also no one to tell you what you cannot do. Being alone allows you to focus on yourself and discover your true potential. The ceiling that at first seemed suffocating, is now made of glass and you are breaking through it. You realize that you can achieve more than you ever imagined. Never be sorry for wanting more for yourself, and if you really do feel like you’re at rock bottom, just remember you can only continue going up from here.

Once you realize what you can achieve, you are unstoppable. You can begin to push yourself to move forward. Even if you fail, you just have to continue pushing. Nothing and no one is holding you back. This is your own life and you must chase your own happiness. If you can do it alone, then you can do it always.

You slowly start to remember those who have always been there for you: those characters from books, movies, and television shows have never let you down. When you were happy or sad, they were always there. You have experienced every possible emotion with them. They do not judge you and they never get tired of you. They will not grow up and leave you and you can always count on them. So watch your favorite shows, escape into your favorite books, relive your favorite movies. And though you may feel like it, you are never truly alone.

It is not the end of the world. You will find new friends. You will fall in love again. You will create your own family. But you will hurt again and people will continue to let you down, and that’s okay. You will become a stronger, well-rounded individual. You will discover who you are and what you can do. It will help you value the little things and realize you are important. Because you are not going to be alone forever, you are simply alone right now…and that’s okay.

I need to refocus

"What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless; well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age." - Sylvia Plath

While some people like to wax philosophical about what the meaning of life is and why we're here and what comes next, it seems to me we need to focus more on the here and now. What good does it do for us to try to live life for another person's standards if you are utterly miserable? What good does it do to try and spend your entire life preparing for what comes next?

Living is a fatal disease and death is something that none of us will ever escape. So why do we spend so much time worrying about what comes after this life? Shouldn't we be doing everything in our power to make sure we leave a positive mark on the world we live in? Would it not make more sense for us to focus on not only making ourselves happy, but making those around us happy?

We spend so much of our time getting caught up in the small details of our life that we may be unhappy with that we end up losing perspective if the great things we have. Salt and baking powder are terrible on their own, but when you put them into a cake, that cake is amazing. Don't forget that your life is just like that cake: No matter the difficulties we go through, our life wouldn't be the same without them. I've spent so much time lately focusing on the bad things that have happened lately that I feel like I've lost sense of this.

So I'm going to try and refocus. More than anything else, I fear living an utterly mundane life not worth remembering. And if I can't even make myself happy and see the joy and positivity in life, I can't possibly leave that kind of mark on the world.

I've decided that I can't focus on the negative people that are still trying to drag me into their lives. I can't worry about all of the minor bumps in the road. Because those people will always be there and those bumps are unavoidable. I think it is important to try and refocus my attention to the good. I can work on getting to a point in my life where I feel like I'm not just coasting by and making it through. I can make a difference. I can make the world a better place.

I don't have any ideas of grandeur wherein I can bring about world peace or anything like that, but I can be the person that people feel comfortable coming to for comfort. I can be the person that people can depend on when they're going through their own struggles. I can be the person that I've needed others to be for me.

And, to me, that will mean more than spending my life waiting for the day I die.

Endings are hard

Endings are hard. It is a little extremely terrifying to think about starting over and creating something new. And while it may be for the best, it doesn't make the entire thought of starting from scratch less terrifying. Whether it is a new job, a new move, what have you, when a big part of your life is over, it can be a bit scary.

But they don't have to be terrifying. As I'm entering a new phase of my life, I can either completely freak out over the massive number of things that I need to get taken care or I can enjoy the ride. I was talking with a friend on Sunday about the challenges that will come up in the next few months and his take on this entire situation was simple: This is liberating.

And I hadn't actually looked at it like that before. I have a brand new, fresh start. I can do whatever I want with this start. I can go anywhere. While it is scary to think about what will happen in the coming months, I can also enjoy it. I can embrace these new beginnings with a smile because I'm leaving behind something that I should have so long ago. Its funny how one conversation can really change your perspective, but its times like these that I love having friends like this one.

And while it may not be ideal to go through such drastic changes during the insanely hectic fourth quarter, I guess what matters is that it will finally happen. Things will get better. It may be a struggle learning to adjust to these things, but it is a challenge that I'm now looking forward to rather than absolutely terrified about. I know that the next few months are going to be a bit stressful, but now I can look at things with a more positive light.

While I have spent so long worried and stressed out about what is to come, I can now look at this with a new perspective. I may still be a bit scared about starting over, but this is also going to be good. There's is nothing wrong with starting fresh somewhere new. It may be scary, but this will be a great thing for me. Instead of looking at this as something to be terrified of, I can now see how great this is going to be.

While endings may be hard, new beginnings are something to really embrace.

New Year, New Me?

Well, we are well underway into the new year (if you count three days as "well under way") and I hope all of you had a great holiday season and a safe New Year's.

I've never really been the type of person to make a resolution. Actually, I had to make on in the fourth grade and then write a report on why it was important to me. Since I knew I had no actual intentions of keeping that resolution and it was only made so I could write my little report, I don't think that one counts. So I think I can still honestly say I've never made a New Year's resolution. They never seemed like an important thing to do.

Why would I feel the need to make a resolution just because it's a new year? If I want to lose weight, I do. If I want to get in shape, I do. Last year I knew I needed to make a conscious decision to pay attention to my weight and my eating habits. I've struggled with an eating disorder for many, many years and I was finally able to come to terms with it. I didn't need a new year to prompt me to make this decision, I started working on this in February/March. Three years ago I realized that since I have the time and money, I'm going to start dancing. I didn't do it with the conscious decision to get into shape, I did it because it was something I wanted to do. I've made the decision to start drinking less, not because of the new year, but because I need to. I can't dance five days a week and drink. It's just not feasible. Or healthy.

But, instead of resolutions, I like to reflect on the past year and try and make sure I'm on the right path for the upcoming year. Last year was all about change. I changed my diet, I changed my job, I changed my living arrangement, I changed a lot in myself. I bought a house, I got a job, I got pointe shoes. A lot of things changed for the better. Not to say it was an easy year. Anyone close to me knows there were a lot of major challenges to deal with. There was also a lot of drama (something I'm really hoping to avoid this year). But I made it through it. And I think all of the struggles I went through have helped to make me a better person.

This year, I think, is going to be about moving forward. I'm going to be graduating with my Associates degree in May. I'm going to be starting at UTD in the fall to start working on getting my Bachelors. I'm going to be in 9 (that's right nine) dances in the Spring concert with Arabesque. I'm going to be focusing more on art classes and taking more marketing classes to hone in on what I really want to do. Sam is going to be going to actual training in a couple weeks and I'm looking forward to working more with him and taking that knowledge and helping other dogs with Paws in the City. This is going to be a year about growing and making more out of my life.

I know that there will be many challenges ahead, but I think I can handle it. I've got great family (despite the fact that they are not by blood), great friends, and some really fucking awesome coworkers. I feel like I'm finally on the right path and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.

Best of luck to you all!