ARTC 1353: Concert Poster

In my computer illustration class, we were tasked with creating a movie or concert poster using the skills we've learned thus far. I had a lot of fun creating and working with this assignment. In some ways, I can't believe that there are only two classes left in the semester, it feels like this semester just started. I think, out of all of the assignments we've had so far, creating this poster has been by far my favorite assignment (and how strange is that, I actually have enjoyed the homework assignments I've had to do?!).

Horses and birthdays

For several years, Melanie (one of my closest friends) have been talking about going horseback riding. Since we both work, dance constantly and are in school, we've never been able to actually do it. Since her birthday was Saturday, I set up for us to go horseback riding on Sunday. Not only was the weather amazing, but Jeff with Widowmaker Trail Rides was a great guide. We spent two hours riding around Lake Grapevine in amazing, beautiful weather.  Our guide was a lot of fun and the horses were beautiful. And while a lot of places are more willing to use younger horses, all of our horses were fairly young and were willing to go. We had an absolutely amazing time and I'm sure that we'll be going back either as an annual or semi-annual trip.

I got to ride Clara, a HUGE horse, she was a little over 16 hands!

Tiburon, our guide's trail dog, was glad to have a chance to play in the lake

Mel and her horse Poko

Mel, me and Jeff's horse Whiskey

Clara was glad to get back to her hay

ARTC 1353: Graphics

When using Illustrator, the first thing that comes to mind is generally not the ability to create graphics and logos. (Although, prior to this semester nothing really came to mind since I didn't know anything about Illustrator). Tonight we spent the class dispelling this notion. We even went so far as to create logos of our own using our initials.

I stuck to using the paint blob brush for the initial design and then edited and altered it from there. I think it would be easier to use the brushes with the use of a pen instead of a mouse, but you kinda have to work with what you've got. If I really do decide to work more with drawing and creating original artwork after this semester ends, I may invest in getting something to work with at home.

Out of these final three, I think the last one is my favorite.

Sonnets aren't all about love

A friend of mine needed help writing a sonnet for their poetry class. In order to help them out, I wrote out this sonnet to show them that not all poems have to be about love. While many times when people think of poetry it is to show something full of love and hope, it can be about a great number of things. 

While some hearts were made to live and to love

not all hearts were made the same. For this time,

our time, must come to an end. Far above

some god is laughing for this grievous crime.

While it may be gods above that decide

what our fates may hold. It is all too clear

that whatever I had felt for you died.

I can’t miss you, so please don’t waste your tears.

I know you may think me twisted and cruel

but I cannot stay in a loveless life.

To stay with you would surely be fatal

and I shall not put up with such great strife.

So fly away, my dear, please leave me now

Flay away, my dear, I must break this vow.

Lifescouts Friday: Musically Inclined

Happy Friday all! This week has really had its ups and downs. The Stars were eliminated from the playoffs and I had to take my car in to get serviced because it wouldn't turn on, but a lot of the work required to be done was covered under warranty. I was told that work would slow down after fourth quarter but I've yet to see any sort of slow down happen yet. But I wont complain (too much) because it is nice to be able to have a job and taking on more responsibilities that are more marketing/design centered. So I present to you this week's addition of Lifescouts! The next few additions are going to be about music. Enjoy!


Bass

As you all know, Justin taught me how to play the guitar. He also taught me how to play bass. In high school, I thought it was important to learn to play as many instruments as possible. In addition to actually taking lessons for various things, I took it upon myself to learn from people I knew. Not that it really does me any good now. I haven't played any sort of instrument since I left school.

Clarinet

In high school, if you made it to a certain chair in band, you had to audition for the state orchestra. You could do so as a soloist or coerce another poor soul to practice a piece and perform it with you (so you also had to rely on them to perform well in order to make it). My freshman year of high school, having never auditioned alone before, I was able to convince a friend of mine that played the clarinet to perform a duet with me. I also did learn how to play a bit as part of my I-need-to-know-how-to-play-every-instrument-known-to-man phase.

Perform on Stage

I was in band and orchestra. And in the state orchestra. And I was a part of a choir. We had to perform many times. That is a big part of being in each of these musical groups. You had to perform on stage.

Saxophone

Another part of my  I-need-to-know-how-to-play-every-instrument-known-to-man phase. Also, since most of my friends in high school were in band, a lot of the people I dated were in the band. One of these people was a guy who played the saxophone. Like most high school romances, it didn't last and we have grown apart and don't even speak to each other.

Piano 

I actually took lessons to learn how to play the piano. This was not part of my  I-need-to-know-how-to-play-every-instrument-known-to-man phase. I began taking lessons when I was five or six and continued until high school. Unlike most instruments I took up, I can actually still play the piano even though it has been years since I actually took lessons.

ARTS 1311: Repetition, rhythm, trypography

Because there are only a few weeks left in the semester, we covered several design aspects this past week. We covered repetition, rhythm and typography. I really enjoyed working on the typography project; it was interesting to try to take a single word and use various objects to project that feeling. I really enjoyed creating what was pretty much a home page for a website for the repetition assignment. 

Republican talk radio is amazing

Seriously, it's great. I love it. I used to never listen to the radio because I hated the garbage played on the radio. Seriously, with all of the music out there how is it that every radio station is playing the same ten songs? And usually they play them all at the same time. How is that possible?? How is it that with millions of songs to chose from and all of the talent out there, the same mind numbing pop crap is what is popular?

But I digress...

I have found the wonderful world that is AM and talk radio.

I don't watch Fox news or want to read any sort of republican publication, but I do love to listen to Republican talk radio when I'm driving. Granted, I don't really do that much driving, usually a grand total of 45 minutes a day, but I think it is good to listen to what the other side has to say. I may only hear a small part of a host's show, but there is almost always a portion of each show that allows callers to voice their opinion. And since I generally avoid talking politics with people, I think this is a great way to hear what real Republicans think.

I'm a fairly liberal Democrat. I'm quite proud of this fact. I support equal rights and I'm Pro-Choice and I think religion should be removed from schools and the judicial system and Healthcare Reform is a good thing and the countries we're occupying shouldn't have our military presence. I try to keep up to date with what is happening in the world from various sources. I read what some of the more extreme faux-news outlets call "liberal propaganda."  I try to find as many unbiased sources as possible, but that isn't really possible, everyone has an opinion and they are going to write with a bit of a bias.

But I love Republican talk radio.

I think it is fascinating to hear some of the more convoluted conspiracies that some of the audiences can come up with. There is almost as much thought put into the conspiracies as Martin put into Game of Thrones.  While it is easy to scoff at them for the absolute ridiculousness of it all, you have got to admit some of the Right-wing extremists have a lot of imagination.

And while a lot of people I know might think it is odd that I enjoy listening to such nonsense, sometimes it's good to step outside of my general comfort zone and listen to what the other side has to say. And sometimes it is nice to hear that there are a couple hosts that aren't batshit crazy. These are a bit hard to find, but it is nice to hear an educated argument from people I don't necessarily agree with. If you don't understand why your opponent believes something you will never be able to even attempt to convince them. It is also nice to hear these radio hosts are just as quickly to shut down conspiracy theories just as often as certain hosts are willing to create them.

Another reason I like talk radio is because it reminds me that not all Republicans are insane. The ones that we see and hear about generally are extreme and bordering on insane, but the majority are not. Just like the majority of Democrats aren't. The extremists from both sides are generally what the opposing side sees because we like to point and laugh at how ridiculous their point of view is. Sometime it is nice to be reminded of this fact. I think it is something that most people realize, but we forget it a lot of the time.

So, if you tire of listening to the same four songs on the radio on your daily commutes, try turning to AM and giving it a shot. Not only will your brain thank you for not being subjected to mind melting pop garbage, but you might actually be able to learn something new.

ARTS 1311: Emphasis

In my 2D design class, we have been focusing on emphasis. The past few weeks has been a focus on how to incorporate all of the elements of design (line, space, texture, etc.) into a design that works. Using the principles of design will help to create balance, harmony, emphasis etc. All of these principles of design are important when trying to create a design that will have a lasting impact with the audience.

We were to create a repeating pattern and use an element of design to draw attention to one object. I used color.

We were to use a design that we had created earlier in the semester and add emphasis to part of the design. I used value to draw attention to the center of the design.

ARTC 1353 - Symbols and 3D

Last night, we explored the world of making 3D artwork. Well, and symbols. But mostly we spent the class working on creating 3D artwork. While it may not be a poster that any business would use, I'm happy with the poster I've created (that would actually work with my menu that I made to go over gradients and blending).  I know that I'm not ready to open up my own marketing firm any time soon, but I'm really happy with the progress I've made in this class. And while I recognize that I still have a lot of work to do, I'm happy with the progress I've made and that I will continue to make. 

I am a terrible friend

I am a terrible friend.

I frequently leave a text message unanswered for hours, maybe even weeks, before I remember to respond. I would much rather stay home and watch a Doctor Who marathon than go out to a club and have to deal with other people. If I see someone that a stranger looks interesting, I might think about starting a conversation with them but in all actuality I would be too worried about bothering them. Actually, that's not just strangers, that's anyone. I generally don't initiate conversations because I don't want to bother someone. And this makes me seem a bit cold and standoffish. I know that if I make plans and I realize other people are coming that I don't know, I will probably leave really early or make up an excuse not to go at all.

But I'm not. Really, I would like to be the person that can start a conversation with anyone. I would like to be the person that you could call at any time and be willing to talk for hours instead of hitting "ignore" and checking my voice-mail months later. I think it would be nice to be able to text someone first instead of worrying whether the other person is going to think I'm rude for responding to their message five hours later. I think it would be a lovely experience to be willing to talk with people rather than try to avoid eye contact and check tumblr and twitter constantly. I would like to be the person that would actually talk to you rather than tweet at you when we're in the same room.

But, as Augustus and Hazel say in The Fault in our Stars, "The world is not a wish granting factory." I cannot simply wish to be a better friend to people I deal with in life. Life does not work like that.

I do try make up for me being a terrible friend in other ways. Like sending out cards. I love to send out birthday cards, thank you cards, congratulatory cards, thinking of you cards, any sort of card possible. Because cards are nice. I'm also willing to actually mail people a book that I've enjoyed that I think they will too. Because I think its important to spread around good literature. And while I will most likely never answer a phone call from someone I've known for years, I have been more than happy to talk to random strangers on tumblr and twitter for hours about a problem either of us is having. And maybe I don't want to go out and do stuff with people, I'm more than happy to open up my home if anyone (stranger or friend alike) is ever in need of a place to stay. I'm willing to bake and cook for anyone and even ship stuff out to people that I deal with 90% of the time online. I just probably won't want to go out to dinner with you.

Maybe my problem is that I'm a terrible in-person-real-life friend. Because I would much rather deal with people online than in person. I don't want to have to deal with coworkers and strangers and meeting new people when the people I meet online are all perfectly wonderful. Really, I've made some amazing friends online. But if we were to actually try to do something in real life, it would fail miserably. Maybe because a lot of the people I become friends with online have the same problem as me.

The real world is a terrible place. Can't we all just stay online and be friends there instead of having to go outside and deal with terrible people and terrible weather and terrible bars and terrible traffic and terrible accidents and having to wear terrible clothes?

Actually, having to actually wear regular clothes might be 50% of why I hate leaving my house and attempting to be social.

And I think it might be kinda okay that I don't want to interact with people in real life. I can still be a friend and help a person out from behind a computer screen.

Just don't expect me to ever answer your phone calls.

Today we saw the worst of humanity

This has been a pretty terrible day for everyone in the country, hell the world. The bombs that went off in Boston this afternoon don't just affect them, it affects all of us. And it is times like these that show who we really are as people. As humans

And I must say, I've been thoroughly disappointed with humanity today.

Apparently it isn't bad enough that over 80 people were injured today. It isn't bad enough that two people have died. It isn't bad enough that one of the dead is an 8 year old little boy. It isn't enough that a city was sent into a panic. It isn't enough that we, as a nation, are mourning this tragedy. We have to turn this into a political, racist, disgusting event that makes everyday people call perfect strangers terrible things.

Just like every other tragedy, the news tried and failed to report on this as it happened. Reporters and journalists all wanted to be the first one to have information, regardless of whether it was true or not. People were reporting that buildings were being bombed, when in reality they just had a small maintenance fire. People were reporting that a man was arrested and in custody just a few hours after the attacks. People were reporting that 12 were dead when emergency responders were still trying to figure out what was happening. There were numerous reports that all turned out to be false today.

And you know what, when they're trying to give people like you and me information immediately, journalists are going to make mistakes. I know that. I'm not expecting every report to be completely accurate when tragedy strikes. But I do expect them to redact misinformation. I do expect new casters to not blatantly lie about someone of a certain ethnicity to be in custody and arrested. These same news outlets don't correct the information to say that a citizen saw an ethnic man running from a bomb blast a tackled him. He was tackled because of his ethnicity. He was tackled by a citizen like you or me because of the color of his skin.

That is wrong.

And this story is still developing. No one knows what all happened today. It will be a while before we all know. Buy the way people reacted to that news was disgusting. And anyone that tried to correct that information was a terrorist. Or a Muslim supporter. Or a Muslim terrorist supporter. Or part of a sleeper cell. Or deserved to die. (Yeah, these are all things I've been called in the last three hours for trying to point out that story was false.) And you know what, that is really disappointing. Humanity was at its worst today.

This was an act of terrorism. Thousands of people were terrified. These innocent people were terrorized. The person or persons responsible for an eight years old boy losing his life need to be punished. I will never deny that. But maybe, when something as terrible as this happens, we need to learn to come together and not tear each other apart. We need to be better than this.

This is still all developing. This is still fresh and raw. And it hurts.

But we need to stop lashing out in hurt and fear and anger at each other. We need to be there for the people that need us. Those that were effected by this tragedy need the rest of us. They need our support.

Not our hate.

Lifescouts Friday: Dear god, I really am a nerd

Happy Friday, all! This week's Lifescouts is a continuation of the "nerd" theme from last week. A couple of these are well... incredibly nerdy. I never realized how much until I started to write about them. Even though I may have gotten teased as a kid for being a nerd and liking space and Star Trek, I've now that it is more than okay, its great, to be a nerd. That's probably why I love John and Hank Green and all of Nerdfighteria because I've learned it is okay to be a nerd because, as John has said, "because nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff. Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like jump-up-and-down-in-the-chair-can’t-control-yourself love it. Hank, when people call people nerds, mostly what they’re saying is ‘you like stuff.’ Which is just not a good insult at all. Like, ‘you are too enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness’.”

Ukulele 

In high school, and even now, I loved art. My senior year, I tried to take as many art classes as possible (to make for an easy year of course) and many of these were art classes. Since I did this, one of my teachers wanted me to create something to submit to the state competition at the end of the year. One of my pieces was a scene I painted on a ukulele I found at a thrift shop. I was incredibly proud of it, even though it only got an honorable mention. When I was kicked out of my parents' house, I didn't take it with me and I have no idea where it ended up. I do have another ukulele that I plan to paint and decorate soon...

Observatory 
I love space and the stars and the planets. I think galaxies and super novas and black holes are incredibly fascinating. In high school, I took an astronomy course where once a month we would meet at a college campus to use the observatory to really get a good look at what we were learning about in class. I wish I had more opportunities today to take the time to look out into space and watch the planets and stars and everything else out there. Space is really quit breath taking. I'm actually in the process of writing a paper for a geology class about black holes and how they impact the universes and galaxies that surround them. And I can't seem to stop researching it. It is fascinating.

Scrabble 

Nowadays people play Words with Friends rather than Scrabble. But there's something great about sitting around with friends playing board games. And, unlike something like Monopoly where it can get quit competitive and evil, Scrabble is just fun. Because I love to read, I have a decent vocabulary and this gives me the chance to actually use obscure words that I've picked up. I may not be the best or always win but I still love Scrabble. Actually, I love game nights in general. I need to have more of them.





Bowling 

I'm not a big bowler. I don't particularly like to wear shoes that a million other people have worn. That's just gross. And I haven't gone bowling since high school (dear god, have I done anything since high school??) with my French class. Why did we go bowling? I can't honestly tell you. I think it was just something that the French club could organize to get us out of school early. I have heard that the next company outing is going to be bowling... I should probably try to brush up so I don't make a complete fool of myself...

Klingon 

Okay, so this is probably, by far, the nerdiest thing this week. When I was growing up, I loved Star Trek. Granted, I still like it, but I really don't watch it much anymore. But growing up I actually watched it so much that I taught myself Klingon. I spent a couple years actually learning Klingon. I thought I was something special because I could insult people without them knowing what I was saying (it did have the downside of people knowing just how much of a nerd I was and I would sometimes get teased and picked on).

ARTC: 1353 Perspective

Did you know in Illustrator there is a grid to help you create a sense of perspective and make a design feel 3D? Well there is. And its actually really quite interesting to use. We were tasked with creating a design that we used the perspective grid to create. I'm pretty sure the most basic and easiest thing to create is a street/buildings. And that's exactly what I did. There's nothing really very fancy or amazing - it really is just the basic street view.

I know at this point I should be able to make something a bit more detailed, but, honestly, I've been more focused on working on our third big assignment of the semester and didn't put too much effort into this.

Sorry

(not really, the next assignment is going to be pretty cool)

ARTS 1311: Color Use

A few weeks ago, we spent the week learning about colors. This week, we focused on color use. This week instead of focusing on what color is, color value and hue, we focused on how colors work together to project a feeling or emotion. We looked at how using complementary colors would effect a design. We looked at how color contrast would effect the emotions of a design. We looked at the symbolic associations of colors and how they differ between cultures.

I know it might not seem that interesting, but it was. It was interesting to look at how a basic color like white has different meanings in Western cultures than it does in India. We were tasked with looking at colors in our own culture and picking out a few that differed from what is generally recognized. We explored how different colors emote different feelings from different colors. Like the fact that orange in the Buddhist culture is humility and desirelessness but in Chinese cultures it means love and happiness. Or the fact that in Ireland green is the color of luck whereas in Islamic cultures it is used for peace.

I enjoyed really looking at how colors not only can depict a mood or feeling, but that feeling can change based on the culture.

ARTC 1353: Gradients and Blending

Tonight's class was all about gradients and blending. While I knew there was a lot that you could do in Illustrator in order to manipulate these elements, I've never really looked into what all they can do. Our assignment tonight was to create a menu for a cafe and utilize the skills we learned tonight. We also had to include the following elements:

• Text
• A blend applied to an object and made into a new shape
• A menu item you have created
• A gradient applied to an object
• A menu item from the symbols palette
• A menu item showing color blend
• A menu item showing shape blend

I think I managed to hit all of the requirements. I had a lot of fun creating this menu and I'm looking forward to working on the perspective assignment.

Lifescouts Friday: Nerd Week

This has been a very draining week, but it is ending better than it started. With all of the emotional baggage of dealing with the 1st, followed by finding out I might need a root canal on the 2nd, I've been looking forward to Friday since... Tuesday. But its Friday. I made it through it all. These badges were part of the "Nerd Month" collection, even though I really don't see what's all that nerdy about them. 

Chess

While I'm not the greatest chess-player in the world, I can hold my own. Honestly, I wanted to learn how to play chess just because it was mentioned in Harry Potter (you, except it was wizard's chess and the pieces moved on their own). I was 11 and thought that it was just something I had to learn how to do. So I taught myself how to play.





Horse-drawn Cart

I don't know why, but in the South when the weather gets cold, apparently its a great idea to go on these hay rides drawn by horses. I don't understand the appeal. There's always a ton of hay that gets everywhere and too many people crowded into one cart and its either too hot or too cold to really enjoy it. Don't people in the South realize that sitting around a campfire is a much better way to start off Autumn?

Marching Band

As you have already learned, I was in marching band. I was in marching band through all of high school. The funny thing is even though I had to go to every football game for four years, I still don't know (and more importantly, don't care) anything about football. I really enjoyed band, though. It was a lot of fun and I always enjoyed the time I spent with my friends.

Video Games

I like video games, I just don't get to play them much. Growing up I loved to play. I would much rather play a video game hidden away inside than have to go outside and deal with people. I didn't own every game console, so I did occasionally become friends with certain kids because they had certain games. Yeah, I was that kid. But I grew out of it. Kinda.

Rubik's Cube 

I know that there is apparently some sort of step-by-step instructions somewhere that actually tells you how to solve the Rubik's cube, I never took the time to go find it. So when my sophomore Pre-Calculus teacher had one, it took me about two weeks worth of classes (classes that I should have been using to pay attention in class) to solve it. Really, that's not too bad considering each class was only an hour and a half, right? Whatever, even if its not, I still solved it.

ARTS 1311: Balance

This week's assignment in my 2D media class was focusing on balance as well as critiquing each other classmate's Water Conservation projects.

I must say I was a bit disappointed with the critiques. I wanted to try and stay as polite as possible, but sometimes that's hard when you can easily tell someone threw their project together in about ten minutes. I was also disappointed with the critiques I received. I knew there were many things I needed to work on and pointed them out myself. What I was not happy with was people trying to say a certain aspect was wrong or tearing my image apart because I gave them a poor critique. Oh well. I guess that's really why I'm not a fan of being assigned certain people that you have to review specific aspects of their project.

As for the balance assignment, I wasn't on top of it. I let life get in the way and wasn't ready to upload them until now. I did enjoy working on these images and thinking not only about how balance is used but also math, like the golden spiral and golden rectangle. Ratios are used in order to determine the rule of thirds in design. I may not like to actually have to do math, but I like the principles that have come from mathematics.

Project Ballerina

I like Kickstarter projects. I think they're a great way for small bands to work to create a CD, unpublished authors to have the chance to get their books published and into stores, photographers to have the chance to get their portfolio started or recognized and even for documentaries to be made. And, I want you guys to take a look at the Ballerina Project.

I'm sure a lot of people have seen the photographs that the Ballerina Project has published. The Ballerina Project was started 13 years ago in New York City and portrays ballerinas in an organic and urban setting. While most photographers like to keep ballerinas in a studio or on stage, Ballerina Project puts them in our life, in our everyday lives. As someone that loves both photography and ballet (obviously), I've been a fan of the work the Ballerina Project has been able to do.

Now, they're looking to expand on their portfolio of 800 images. They're trying to create documentaries. But it can only be done with your help. They want to be able to create new dance videos and documentaries of at least two dancers. They want to go to new locations, not just New York City. And I want to see them accomplish this.

I'm sure you all have been able to put it together what I'm asking, but if you haven't here it is: Please take a look at Ballerina Project's Kickstarter. I'm doing what I can to help this become a reality and it would be great if you could too. They are trying to raise $30,000 and (as of today) they have raised $10, 565. There are 14 days left in the campaign and they still have almost $20,000 to go. I'm sure anything you can do, even if it is just spreading their story, would be appreciated.

I would love to see Ballerina Project grow and continue to flourish. I try not to ever ask you guys to buy or support something monetarily and I'm breaking that because I love this project and I don't see it getting the exposure it truly deserves. Take a look at what they've been able to accomplish so far and tell me that this doesn't deserve to grow.

Dear Justin

Dear Justin,

You would think that after six years, I would have gotten used to the feeling that you're not here. You would think that after six years, it wouldn't hurt so much to wake up and realize what today is. You would think that after six years, I would be able to treat this as any other day.

But this isn't "any other day." This is the day that I lost you, one of my closest friends. This is the day that I hate more than any other. This is the day that I thought I was part of some stupid April Fool's joke.

They say that time heals all wounds, but if this isn't easy after six years, when will this become easy?

I went to see Lucero about a month ago, I know you would have had a blast. Every time I see them or even listen to them I can't help but think of you. It reminds me of the nights that I would sneak out and we would sit outside and you would teach me how to play "My Best Girl" or "Little Silver Heart" or something. Remember the time you actually tried to teach me how to play Metallica? Yeah, that was a terrible idea. You should have known that I would fail miserably at that. I think you did know that. And you're right, it was amusing when I was stumbling through it and then you took over and made it look so easy.

I've come so far in the past six years, where would you be? After you died, I went through a terrible time. I wouldn't hang out with certain people because it would remind me of you and we would all just spend our time crying. So I made new friends. Maybe not the best people, but I couldn't look at people and think that only a couple days prior we had all been together and you were there and that would never happen again. I wonder where I would be if you were still here. I wouldn't be in Dallas. I'm fairly certain of that.

We had planned on getting a house together with a couple of other people that we would share while we worked our way through college. Do you think we could have actually done it? I wonder if we would have actually been able to live together without killing each other. I wonder what life would have been like if we had all actually gotten that house and we went to college. Where would we be now? What would we be doing now?

I don't talk to so many of the people that we used to hang out with. I thought we would all be friends forever. Now I never talk to them. I can't remember the last time I saw Seth or Steven or Josh or Allie or even Marcus or Cynthia. It seems we all went in different directions. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm the one that just couldn't deal with seeing people that I had grown so accustomed to seeing you with, too, that I had to be the one to leave. Would we have all stayed as close as we used to be if you were still here?

I wish you could have seen me get married. We used to joke that I would never get married and I would end up being the crazy cat lady. I think you would have approved. That was almost two years ago. I think you would have even had fun. I got a dog a couple months ago and named him Samwise, you would have laughed at me for being such a nerd but I know you would have loved it. I got a house too, I'm like a real official adult now. We used to dream about the day when we would be adults. I don't think its as great as we all thought it would be.

There are times when I still have to deal with bullshit from my parents. I used to be able to vent to you and you would understand. You understood how abusive and controlling they were. Now, I can't do that. People seem to think that since I'm an adult now it shouldn't bother me. But it does. I wish I could talk to you about it. I wish I could talk to you about the fact that I'm graduating in May. And I'm excited. I'm quitting smoking. So even if you were still here you wouldn't be able to flip my first cigarette over and tell me to smoke that one last because its lucky.

Where would you be today? Where would you have gone? What would your life have been like? What would the past six years of your life have been like if you were still here? What would you have done? What would we have done differently?

I miss you, Justin. I don't think I will ever not miss you. I thought it would be a good idea to try and write this at work (I know, I'm all corporate American now working in an office) but now I just feel like I'm going to cry sitting in here. I miss you. And I can't help but wonder what you would say if you were here.

I hope you're not disappointed in the decisions I've made. It really has been hell without you. Its times like this I wish for an afterlife just so you could look down on me and smile. Or give me a sign that you're okay with how things ended up. But that reminds me of a line from one of my favorite songs (I think you would have liked American Aquarium, I wish you had the chance to listen to them)

"If I believed in god I’d pray for you. But a prayer without belief is like a pill without relief, so I’ll just save us both the letting down." 

I miss you. I love you. I hope this gets easier. But I'll never forget you.