I am a terrible friend

I am a terrible friend.

I frequently leave a text message unanswered for hours, maybe even weeks, before I remember to respond. I would much rather stay home and watch a Doctor Who marathon than go out to a club and have to deal with other people. If I see someone that a stranger looks interesting, I might think about starting a conversation with them but in all actuality I would be too worried about bothering them. Actually, that's not just strangers, that's anyone. I generally don't initiate conversations because I don't want to bother someone. And this makes me seem a bit cold and standoffish. I know that if I make plans and I realize other people are coming that I don't know, I will probably leave really early or make up an excuse not to go at all.

But I'm not. Really, I would like to be the person that can start a conversation with anyone. I would like to be the person that you could call at any time and be willing to talk for hours instead of hitting "ignore" and checking my voice-mail months later. I think it would be nice to be able to text someone first instead of worrying whether the other person is going to think I'm rude for responding to their message five hours later. I think it would be a lovely experience to be willing to talk with people rather than try to avoid eye contact and check tumblr and twitter constantly. I would like to be the person that would actually talk to you rather than tweet at you when we're in the same room.

But, as Augustus and Hazel say in The Fault in our Stars, "The world is not a wish granting factory." I cannot simply wish to be a better friend to people I deal with in life. Life does not work like that.

I do try make up for me being a terrible friend in other ways. Like sending out cards. I love to send out birthday cards, thank you cards, congratulatory cards, thinking of you cards, any sort of card possible. Because cards are nice. I'm also willing to actually mail people a book that I've enjoyed that I think they will too. Because I think its important to spread around good literature. And while I will most likely never answer a phone call from someone I've known for years, I have been more than happy to talk to random strangers on tumblr and twitter for hours about a problem either of us is having. And maybe I don't want to go out and do stuff with people, I'm more than happy to open up my home if anyone (stranger or friend alike) is ever in need of a place to stay. I'm willing to bake and cook for anyone and even ship stuff out to people that I deal with 90% of the time online. I just probably won't want to go out to dinner with you.

Maybe my problem is that I'm a terrible in-person-real-life friend. Because I would much rather deal with people online than in person. I don't want to have to deal with coworkers and strangers and meeting new people when the people I meet online are all perfectly wonderful. Really, I've made some amazing friends online. But if we were to actually try to do something in real life, it would fail miserably. Maybe because a lot of the people I become friends with online have the same problem as me.

The real world is a terrible place. Can't we all just stay online and be friends there instead of having to go outside and deal with terrible people and terrible weather and terrible bars and terrible traffic and terrible accidents and having to wear terrible clothes?

Actually, having to actually wear regular clothes might be 50% of why I hate leaving my house and attempting to be social.

And I think it might be kinda okay that I don't want to interact with people in real life. I can still be a friend and help a person out from behind a computer screen.

Just don't expect me to ever answer your phone calls.