Five Years

Five years ago on April first I lost one of my best friends, Justin. I would think that by now I would be "over" it or something but apparently I'm not. I'm not at all. I miss him terribly.

I don't know, I thought that after five years it wouldn't hurt quite as much and it wouldn't make me quite as sad, but it does. And this really sucks. This time of the year, all I can think about is Justin and how we hung out every day during Spring Break and had plans for after he went out and spent time with his family. It just really sucks to think that this could have been so different. I can't help but think about all of the plans we had and everything we were going to do and it makes me so sad. And it makes me cry. Every fucking year, this brings me to tears. I guess this isn't something I'll ever really get over.

Just knowing that I saw him the night before, just hours before he was gone forever is heartbreaking. Just knowing that I spoke to him in the phone right before he went out with his family and we planned on meeting up later breaks me to pieces. Just knowing that I laughed when I was first told because I thought is was a really shitty April Fool's Day joke makes me feel like a terrible person. Can you just imagine, you get the phone call telling you that one of your closest friends is gone and you laugh and tell them to get real? I don't think I'll ever get over that... It took me actually going over to his apartment and realizing he wasn't ever coming back to realize he was truly gone. I don't remember much of the day after it hit me, I just went into a haze and followed the motions through the day and went where I was told. But he really was gone. Nothing I could say or do or bargain would make that any different. Even now, all I want is to see Justin and talk to him and I can't.

And when I hear so much about people complaining about stupid things this week I can't help but get pissed. Last week and this week I will be and I have been overly sensitive about things, not just because of my own health problems but because I know Justin never had the chance to deal with any of this. And it's not fair. How could it possibly be fair that someone so great and amazing and smart and thoughtful had to go so soon?

It's not fair. Life isn't fair. And sometimes, most of the time, life really does suck.

I miss you Justin.

Music Mondays?

It's been a while since I gave you guys a review for an album or artist. It's been a while since I even posted any music that I thought you all should enjoy. The last song I posted was off of Ben Kweller's newest album, Go Fly a Kite (an album that you should all listen to). Since mif-February, I've gotten the newest Lucero cd, the live American Aquarium cd, began listening to Ed Sheeran, Scouting for Girls, Tom Milson, the newly released song by Alex Day, Chameleon Circuit... The list could go on. And that's just in the past month! In light of the serious lack of music I've had on here, I'm going to make it my goal to start talking about music at least twice a month, hopefully once a week.

 I think a "Music Monday" would be a nice little feature... I haven't completely decided on this, I guess it all depends on the music I find. And if you readers actually care to read about my takes on various bands and artists. Looking at the list of artists I've been into the past month, I think that with my varied musical taste you'll be able to find some one new that you like! My hope with these new additions is to introduce you all to a new group every now and then. Or maybe just revisit an artist that I used to love and reintroduce them to you.

I'll start this on next Monday, April 2nd and we'll see how it goes from there. On Monday, you can all look forward to my take on the new Lucero album, Women & Work. Just a little peek into my thoughts on it: Women and Work is a brilliant album.

Thoughts? Suggestions on artists or cds?

It's a Birthday Win!

This is going to be a very picture heavy post... Be forewarned. 

On Saturday, Austin and I went to the Stars game. Before the game started, there was a ceremony honoring Karlis Skrastins, a former Stars player who died in the plane crash that killed many players, coaches, and trainers. The ceremony was incredibly touching and made me tear up a bit. It was beautiful. After the game, Austin and I met up with a few friends to celebrate Taylor's birthday! We started off at Stroker's and progressed to the Nodding Donkey and Uptown Bar and Grill. Instead of talking too much about the night, I've decided to put up a few pictures from the night! Enjoy!! 

 

Computer Deaths and NHL Hits

I give a quick recap of my computer and talk a bit about the hits that have happened in the NHL lately. I watched both the Keith hit to Sedin and the Doan hit to Benn. Since Doan was a repeat offender, I understood and agreed with the fact he received a three game suspension. As for the ruling against Keith, I think that giving him a five game suspension is ridiculous. This is his first time to do something like this, why give him more games than Doan? Because Sedin is a big name for the Canucks. It's preposterous.

It's Official. My Laptop is Dying.

I just talked to the IT guy that has been working on my laptop for me to try and save it, and he's informed me that it's dying. Apparently my motherboard is completely fried and since my computer crashed while I had a lot of programs open and a lot of files open, there's a lot of stuff that got corrupted that I wont be able to recover. There are a lot of pictures that I've been working on, an essay I was working on, video footage I was editing... I guess multitasking isn't always a good thing. And I know you're supposed to back up all of your stuff on a regular basis, and I have backed up my computer, just not anytime recently. It's been a good five or six months since I last backed everything up. This is very bad since I have (well, I had) quite a lot of new information on my computer since then. I've had several photography jobs since the last time I backed up my computer and that could all possibly be lost. So remember kids, back up your computers on a regular basis. You never know what could happen.

There is a bit of good news though! Apparently Mr. IT is working on getting my computer at least functional with some other computer parts he has. He has warned me that I shouldn't run a lot of programs at once since these are all parts from other machines. Mr. IT is going to bring me a working computer on Friday, but it wont last for more than a couple months. He tried to explain it to me but I honestly don't understand, but he's replacing certain parts to give me a little extra life. I will have an extra 3-4 months with my computer if I use it minimally. If I can keep my memory usage down and keep it from running too long, I will get four months. If I use it like I was using it before, I can give it a few weeks. This means, less time online, very little picture editing, very little video editing, minimal usage for the next couple of months. My goal is to get my computer to last until May since that's when I was originally planning on getting a new computer. That's when I've budgeted to get the computer I really want with the programs I need.

So, in summary: I will get my laptop back soon. It will be working. I will lose pretty much everything I had open at the time. I can't use my computer as much for as long as I was. If I manage to follow Mr. IT's rules, I will still be able to get the computer and programs I want in May.

Tragedy has Struck

Well, the unthinkable has just happened. My laptop just died. Fuck.

I keep everything on my laptop and use it for everything. I use it for work, I use it for my blog, I use it for school. I bring it with me to work because I like using it better than my actual work computer. I take it with me to every class I have. I keep all of my writings, pictures, videos, contact information, everything on it. And now, it's all gone. I was using it about an hour ago, yes I was working on work stuff, and it died. It refuses to turn on. The only thing I know I wont lose is all of my music since I store it on a cloud and use Google Play for it (a free service I highly recommend).

I wont be posting as frequently now that I am computer-less, but hopefully this will be remedied soon. I don't like people to touch my computer let alone do any work on it, but I'm going to be giving it to an IT guy I know that can hopefully recover all of my files. He's going to be working on it tonight and hopes to have good news for me tomorrow... Fuck, I hope he can fix it or something.

I Just Need to Rant a Bit

I really hate people sometimes. I’m usually a pretty laid back person that can get along with most people, but this week I’ve really just hated people. I’ve had to deal with comments from some people this week that would reduce other people to tears. Since I hate crying and I hate to deal with people crying, I usually put my tears into words. The problem with this is that sometimes what I end up writing a post that no one in their right mind would want to read. I’ve tried (and failed) to write a decent post on a number of topics this week but I just can’t seem to get over a few of the things that I’ve had to deal with this week. Since I’m not writing anything worth reading, I may as well just try to talk about the things that have been bothering me.   

1. The main problem I’ve had with people this week is that I was told, Monday morning, by a coworker that since I don’t “act like a person with cancer, we all know everything is fine.” This comment from my coworker bothered me for several reasons. This person used “we” so that means that it is not just this one person that feels like they are an authority on how I act and why. It’s a few people. Also, I don’t know how I’m supposed to act like someone that has cancer. Unless we’re talking about astrological signs, there’s no one way people act. (Even if we were, I’m a Libra and not a Cancer) I don’t know if this person feels like I need to talk to everyone about this every moment of every day, but I don’t open up to people like that. I don’t want to dwell on the fact that there’s a serious problem in my life I have no control over. Why would I want to bring this up all the time? Am I not allowed to do things I enjoy just because I’m sick? I can’t run or do ballet or go to class or go to work because I’m sick? This is how I distract myself from my problem; I occupy my life with other things worth focusing on. This is how I cope. People that just assume I’m fine because I don’t want to talk to them about things really need to STFU.
2. What is up with people using really cheesy pick-up lines? Do guys really think that by walking up to me and saying I remind them of their future girlfriend I’m just going to fall over myself to jump into bed with them? Are these people too blind to not notice that I have a rock sitting on my finger? I know it’s not the biggest ring out there, but a 1.75kt diamond is enough for people to notice. Even if you aren’t observant enough to see my ring, don’t use corny pick-up lines. They don’t work. Pick-up lines actually make me think less of your intelligence and I will laugh at you later about trying one on me. So stop using them.
3. I don’t understand why people feel the need to constantly ask me what’s wrong. I understand that people are concerned, but you don’t need to badger me about what’s bothering me just because I look upset. When people ask me what’s wrong, sometimes I’m just working on homework. Nothing is wrong. Continuing to ask me what’s wrong makes you the problem. There are times when I just don’t want to talk about what’s bothering me. Maybe something really dumb is bothering me and I know it’s dumb and I don’t want to admit something silly is bothering me. Again, continually asking me about what’s wrong will make you the problem. Sometimes the people that badger me about the problem is the problem. If you’ve just upset me, I usually don’t want to talk to you about what is bothering me five minutes later. I’m probably still a bit upset and I need time to myself. When you harass me about what’s wrong when we both know it’s you in the first place, you’re just going to piss me off even more. The lesson here? If I seem upset and I respond with nothing is wrong, let me be until I feel like talking to you about it.
4. I love to write. I have a lot of things I want to write about. When I can’t get the thoughts from my head onto my computer in a way I want, it bothers me. The me I try to get this one topic down and it is not cooperating, the more frustrated I get. And then the piece I’m writing just ends up sounding worse and worse. This might not be a big deal for a lot of people, the fact that they can’t get their thought from brain to paper, but when it’s one of the things you think you’re good at and the way you express things, it’s a very frustrating thing.
5.  I hate Spring Break. When I was I school and didn’t work, yeah it was nice to have a week off. Now that I work, Spring Break and summer breaks are just pointless to me. I still have to wake up at 6:00 every morning (if not earlier) and go to work. I still have to be a productive member of society. I don’t see the point in having a break from classes when I could be using this week to actually get coursework done and working on my degree. In the next few years, I’ll have several weeks off from classes that I should be spending in class. I know that when totaled together, I could probably shave at least a semester off of the length of college. Luckily I can take winter and summer courses and negate some of the dead time, but I don’t like having such extensive breaks. A day or two off is nice and gives me a chance to recharge. A week is just a waste of time.
6. Speaking of Spring Break, my dance studio is closed this week. I don’t like not being able to dance. I don’t like not looking forward to ballet three days a week. I feel lazy and fat when I miss classes. When I miss a week of classes, this feeling gets worse.
7. I deactivated my FaceBook account. It was never something I really used on a regular basis. I used it to talk to one person on a regular basis. Other people I use other means to stay in touch with them. So I got rid of it. I don’t miss it at all. I do have a lot of people that are just in shock and disbelief that I got rid of my FaceBook account. Why? I didn’t realize what a terrible thing it was to get rid of a social networking account. It’s not like I’m deleting myself from life, I’m getting rid of a website I never really used anyways. What is the big deal? And why do people feel the need to constantly ask me about this? And then why do people feel the need to try and convince me that I just need FaceBook in my life.

I know most of these really aren’t things that should bother me, but all of these things have really been bothering me this week. I don’t want to be at work since I’ve been in such a foul mood most of the time and I don’t want to take it out on people that just have the misfortune of being in my proximity, but I can’t take off work because I don’t feel like dealing with people. I don’t think that would really fly with my coworkers, vendors, tenants, or supervisors.  I know I can’t be the only person that goes through these periods, but I still don’t like it.

I’m sure this post wasn’t something that most people actually enjoyed reading, but I needed to rant about all of these things that have happened this week. What? It’s only Wednesday? Well crap. Things have to start looking up, right? Right??

How is it March Already??

It really has been quite a while since I’ve posted an update on what is going on in my life. I’ve taken to posting more actual writing and less about my life lately. There’s no real reason for this transition, but it has happened. I do enjoy writing more about a specific topic and not relegating myself to talk only about my life mostly because life isn’t all that interesting or exciting on a day to day basis. Since I’m about halfway through my Spring semester, I figure this is a nice time to just let you all know how life has been. I noticed that I really haven’t posted something like this since the beginning of the year, and since March is halfway over I figure it’s about time I get caught up with everything happening!

So far, my Spring courses are still going quite nicely. I’m taking French, History, and another English Composition course. Because I generally just find History to be dull and boring, I really don’t enjoy it that much. The professor I have is great and engaging and she knows how to relate things from the American Revolution to the society we have now, so I’ve actually been able to stay interested thus far. Since I am required to take another History course before I graduate, I’m sure I’ll take another course with this same professor since I find her class interesting. My English class is great but there hasn’t been much actual writing involved. This course focuses on argumentative writing and I feel like that’s something I excel at, so I’m a bit disappointed that there haven’t been more assignments. Then there’s my French course… I was really looking forward to waking this course because I love the language. Since I wasn’t able to take the course on campus due to it being in the middle of the day, I opted to take it online. Learning a language online is not easy. Not only due to the fact that you have to keep track of your own progress, but you’re trying to learn and speak and understand a foreign language. That is not an easy task to take on when you’re in a classroom and have someone to assist you. I’m really hoping that I can take French on campus in the Summer or Fall…  I can’t really complain about my courses too much since I am still holding down my 4.0.  

Ballet has been a lot more demanding lately. Not only because I’m preparing for my first performance, but also because I’m spending a lot more time in the studio working on a lot of advanced things. I’m not going to bore you with all the technical aspects of everything, but ballet is actually very demanding. When you have to jump and turn and dance and plié for hours on end, you have to be in good shape so I’ve picked up running to help me out there. I’m really looking forward to this first performance, even though I’m really not one to be put in the spotlight on stage, in front of people. Ballet has also become the best way for me to work through my emotions. I’ve found that when I’ve had a terrible day, I can channel my anger or frustration into a dance. If I’ve had a great day, it makes for a very smooth and peaceful dance. This performance is going to be the first time anyone other than the other girls in my class have seen me dance, so I’m looking forward to hearing what they think. And I get to wear a really cute outfit that looks really amazing when I do my turns. That’s kinda nice, too. This performance is going to be a lot of fun and I’m excited to see the dances all come together. For those that didn’t know, you don’t really learn a dance all at once. You learn the basic steps involved and slowly start to mark the dance and turn it into something more than just a tour en lair or pirouette. You take individual steps and link them together to create a dance, but only after you have perfected each individual move.

As I stated, I’ve started running. I haven’t been doing this for very long, only a couple months, but I definitely think it is something I will stick with. I originally started running a couple months ago just to try and keep my mind off the fact that I had been diagnosed. I found myself spending a lot of time dwelling on the bad and worrying about things that I had no control over and I found that getting outside and running helped to refocus me. I’m by no means the fastest or the one that can go the farthest, but I’m out there. Honestly, when I started running I actually hated running. I didn’t see the point of it and I thought it was boring. Now, I’ve come to see that it’s really quite peaceful and I love to be able to get outside for a little while. I love seeing my times slowly go down and my distances slowly start to creep up. I love knowing that I can make it through four hours of ballet and not be nearly as exhausted. I also love the fact that it really has helped tone up my legs and bum even more. No one would ever complain about having great legs and a fabulous bum.  

And then there’s work… Well, work is a complicated subject, isn’t it? I’ve always been a bit vague about work and try to only write about the good things, but work is not always good. Even the person with the greatest job in the world isn’t going to love their job every day. Since I spend 50 hours a week at work, when things are bad it’s very hard not to write about what is bothering me. We all know how stupid that would be. We’ve all heard the stories about employers who come across their employees posts griping about work and end up getting fired, and I have enough common sense to know that writing about my job would be career suicide. I wont be posting about things that are happening at work, mostly because it’s not going to be interesting to most people and also because this company deserves privacy, too. I do know that there will be a major change, by the end of July at the latest.  

Vote or Shut Up

I'm so tired of hearing people complain about the government and politics when they never vote. If you are old enough to vote, there is no reason that you shouldn't be out there voting. And don't just vote on the upcoming presidential election, vote on the seats in the Senate and the House. Vote for your local government. Make your voice heard, and note just by making a lot of noise.

What is the point of cable?

I hate getting in my cable bill every month. Not only do I hate having to send this company money because it is just one more bill to pay, but I hate it because of the fact that this is a cable bill.  To me, cable is a pointless service that I shouldn’t ever have to actually pay for.

I have Netflix, like thousands of other people in the United States. I pay ten dollars a month for hundreds of television shows and movies. All of this comes without commercials and without any sort of advertising to interfere with whatever I’m watching. Even though Netflix is extremely cheap and there are no advertisements, I will be canceling it in the next month. I’ve come to realize that even though Netflix offers a lot of things to watch, I don’t watch them.

Yet, I still have cable.

I watch a lot of channels on Youtube and enjoy finding new things to watch. I like to watch shows on Hulu and find shows from Comedy Central that are already posted online. When I watch all of these things, I know that I will be getting advertisements at the beginning of the video. In a forty-five minute program, I only get three short commercial breaks. In total, to watch forty-five minutes of a show I only have to watch five minutes of commercials. And it’s completely free!! I have every show that I want available at my fingertips. If I so choose, I can stream an episode of Doctor Who or Sherlock that is available in the UK but not in the US, completely free and without any advertisements. Online, I have access to any movie or television show that has been made. For only the cost of my internet.

Yet, I still have cable.

I work forty-five to fifty hours a week on top of spending ten hours at school or studying and five hours of ballet. I don’t really have time to watch television. If I do have time to watch television, I want to be able to relax and not worry about annoying commercials interrupting the plotline. So, I usually don’t even turn on the television unless there is a Stars game on. When I’m home alone, I put on music and clean or cook or read or paint. I might make a vlog (yes, I have one I’m currently editing and will be up Friday evening) or work on homework. If I’m really enjoying a class, I might even read ahead. I might spend time research a topic that peaked my interest earlier in the day. I might work on writing a blog post.

Yet, I still have cable.

I love watching the Dallas Stars. But, being in Texas, hockey is not the priority and is therefore not shown on a public channel. If the game is out of town and on a weekday, I usually can’t watch the game. Since October, I’ve spent over $2000 on hockey tickets. I’ve been to roughly fifteen hockey games so far this year, and will be going to a few more before even the playoffs begin. So, I don’t watch the games on television during the week and I spend a ton of money going to the games. Yet, I still I am willing to pay for a cable bill when I usually only watch one game a month on my own television.

What exactly is wrong with me and why am I so attached to having cable? I have this service that I hate paying for, I never use, and I just generally loathe. I have several other services that I can use for free or a fraction of the price. Why can’t I just let go of cable? I spend more money actually going to hockey games and going out to watch them than I can justify to myself while having cable. Why is cable so important? Why do I have such an attachment to this cable? And why is everyone the exact same?  

Get Your Boehner out of my Uterus

When Obama was campaigning in order to gain the Presidential nomination and later the actual race to the White House, he made the same promise many Democrats who came before him promised: There will be national healthcare. During the short time that he had a Democratic House and Senate, Obama shocked the nation by pushing this through and being able to provide a national health care bill. Republicans have never been happy about this fact. Now, with the next Presidential election approaching, they have decided to deem this health care bill a “War on Religion” due to the fact that religious institutions would be required to offer birth control to any women they employ. Republicans have recently taken up the great call to interfere with women’s rights, most notably their right to birth control. By taking up these causes, Republican leaders are taking away the rights that women have fought for years to attain.

The Roman Catholic Church has opposed birth control use for decades. Pope Paul VI reiterated the Roman Catholic Church’s view in 1968 when he issued the Humanae Vitae. It is one of the core beliefs of their faith that life begins at conception, thus birth control of any sort is destroying this sacred life. Pope Paul VI also stated that sex is meant only for natural procreation, thereby condemning extramarital sex, premarital sex, and sex for pleasure. If the government is forcing all American companies and places of employment to provide birth control to their female employees, then this is a direct violation of the Church and should not be upheld. Even the United States Constitution states that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” Forcing the Roman Catholic Church to distribute birth control and go against their doctrine is breaking this core foundation of the nation. The roman Catholic Church has ignored the fact that there is great disparity between the rich and the poor, another pillar of the Catholic faith. There have been hundreds of thousands of people crying out about the income disparity, yet the Church has remained oddly silent. Even though it has recently been widely publicized that roughly 98% of Catholic women use some form of birth control, contraception is still an issue that the Church feels interferes with their religious freedom.

In late January, it was announced that Obama’s health care would cover birth control for women across the country. January 20^th it was announced that there would be changes to the current national health care that would go into effect next year. Birth control and contraception will be completely covered by all employers. If the health care plan was not fully put into effect by employers, they would be fined $2000 per employee annually. Obama and his administration were willing to meet with religious officials to ensure that this would not hinder their rights, but he was only met with opposition at every turn. The Roman Catholic Church insisted that this was infringing on their rights and nothing could be done in order to appease their worries that this would take away the rights of the members of the faith to freely practice religion. The Church claimed that the government could not mandate that employers provide healthcare when it was in direct violation of their faith.

The Roman Catholic Church and many Republicans feel that mandating birth control be covered, not forced down anyone’s throat, is interfering with their religious freedom. This provision is not forcing anyone to take birth control. It is simply another preventative medication that is covered. Contraceptive measures that would be covered are like other medications, like Viagra, that are currently covered. Does everyone use Viagra? Does the Church get up in arms that Viagra, a pill that lets men interfere with God’s decision on whether or not they should be able to impregnate their wives, is currently covered by insurance companies? No, the Church and Republican leaders are solely concerned with what a woman does to her own body.

The Speaker of the House, John Boehner, has spoken out multiple times against the President and Democrats that favor the health care bill. Boehner has even gone so far as to call this an attack on religion by the federal government. He has long called many of Obama’s more “radical” policies an attack on religion. When Obama called for the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Boehner was quick to say this was the liberal bias that is ruining the country and our military. When this health care provision was proposed, he began to tell media outlets that the government was promoting abortions and abortions would be funded by the US government. This battle cry against state-funded abortions has been picked up by many conservatives. This is also one of the major reasons people oppose the birth control mandate, they have heard it is also going to fund abortions. Many conservatives have not given much thought to the claims made, they just take up the cry and perpetuate the lies spread. Does anyone recall the “death panels” that were said would go into effect? Or the fact that Obama is not even real United States citizen and was born outside of the country?

When the White House issued the statement that birth control would be provided as a preventative measure to women, free of charge, the backlash from the Church was instantaneous and loud. Even though the Obama administration has clarified that religious institutions are exempt from this ruling, the Church is still up in arms. Government officials have clarified several times that houses of worship and church affiliated organizations are exempt from the birth control mandate, but this is not good enough for the Church. The Church and many Republican officials have called for the government to remove all mentions of the birth control mandate. There was even a debate held in Congress, with the ability to call witnesses on both sides of the debate, led by Representative David Issa. The debate that Issa wanted to lead centered not around women’s rights or even birth control, the issue that Republicans had with the health care provisions was the infringement of religious freedom. Issa was outraged that religious freedom was being stepped on in favor of this health care provision.

Even though the debate itself was called over the issue of birth control and the fact that it is going to be available, Issa claimed that this was not a women’s issue. He felt that a group of older men would be the key witnesses on the issue of birth control and would have more knowledge than any woman. Issa claimed that this was not about women’s rights, even though it was only the matter of birth control for women that was an issue, so women had no place in this debate. Many Democrats were enraged that a panel of religious leaders, all male, were the ones that had authority to speak on a woman’s right to birth control. The panels did not have a single legal scholar on them, either. This meant that there was no one to speak on whether this provision really was unconstitutional or not.

Republicans are constantly calling for an end to big government, but wouldn’t it be nice if this group of men would stop pretending they knew anything about what life with a vagina is like? Many women do not take birth control for the “birth control” aspect of it. Many use it to relieve the symptoms of a painful menstruation cycle. Women might choose to use birth control in order to be able to skip periods altogether. Some women might use birth control to help regulate their periods, this way they don’t have to constantly wonder when it will happen. Men that sit in Congress assume that any woman that is on birth control is using it so she can have sex without the repercussions of a baby. Conservatives ignore all of the other reasons a woman might need access to birth control, or why they might want help paying for it. Birth control is not cheap. Even though many Representatives believe otherwise, this birth-control-using-woman knows otherwise. Birth control is very , very expensive. A woman on a hormonal birth control pill can spend up to $18,000 in the thirty years in her lifetime that she is using birth control.

If the US government was forcing women of all religions to take birth control and forcing men to wear condoms, this would be infringing on the religious freedom of these people. The provision that everyone is throwing a fit over is just providing an option to women who need assistance. Women have fought long and hard to be able to decide what to do with their own bodies. Women are competent people who are able to decide what to do with their own bodies. We do not need a bigoted man to tell us what to do. We do not need to have a religious body tell us we are not allowed to enjoy sex because it is only for the use of natural procreation. We especially will not stand for this when “natural procreation” is allowed between a priest and a little boy.

NED Awareness - An Eating Disorder is Not a Choice

I was only eleven when I started to worry about my weight. For the next ten years of my life, it would be something that I struggled with constantly and a battle that I fought every moment. I did not choose to get an eating disorder. I did not wake up one morning and think that it would be a good idea to stop eating. I was not oblivious to the effects that came with a restrictive diet. I did not find joy in counting every calorie I ate. I did not take joy in trying to "burn" every calorie I ate in order to be able to look at myself in the morning. I did not think it would be fun to wake up every morning and hate the way I look.

I could try and make excuses for how I got myself into this situation. I could try and justify it. But, the truth is, every single person that has dealt with this battle will have their own personal reasons as to what started them off on this path. Society tries to simplify into something generic like "They just want to have control over something in their life" or "They have low self esteem" or "They have been teased about weight." For me, it was no single cause. There was no single reason in life that caused me to go from being a happy child into a person that would obsess about every bite eaten and torture myself for every calorie. I was unhappy at home, I was teased, I did not have much control over my life, but none of these reasons were the reason that it all started. To me, it seems ridiculous and pointless to try and find the cause. I feel like the focus should be on reaching out and giving support.

At my lowest point, I weighed 90 lbs. Considering I was 5' 10" at this point, I know that it is extremely unhealthy. My parents seemed to ignore the fact that I stopped eating and was starting to disappear. My friends would try and talk to me about it, but I would be deaf to their concerns. A lot of people would say things along the lines of "You just need to eat and get over it" or "You're being selfish, don't you know there are people that don't have access to food??" I would assume they were genuinely concerned, but these things only pushed me more into my cycle of self-hate and starvation. I have always been very critical of myself and see flaws even where others do not. After I got to the point where eating even 200 calories a day was a struggle and I would feel like a failure, the criticism of others would only push me further into myself. I was obsessed with calories and food and exercise. If I knew I was going out with friends for dinner, I would plan my week around it so that I wouldn't "over eat." To me, it seemed like my eating habits (or lack thereof) were only affecting myself. I didn't see how it hurt the people around me. My relationships suffered, my grades suffered, my job suffered.

Once people began to realize that nothing they could say or do would get me out of the mindset I was in, most people stopped trying to help. A lot of people stopped trying to help and they just turned a blind eye to what was happening. For the past three years, I was eating on a regular basis, but I was also trying to "burn" the majority of things that I would eat. I would count calories and the number at the end of the day would determine my mood for the next day. If the number was too high, I would mentally berate myself for days and nothing could be said to change my mind about how I saw myself. I saw fat where others didn't. My self worth was determined by the number on the scale. Any comment about my weight, even if it was in a joking manner, would make me crazy. It got to the point that, after so many years, I saw the rest of the world as wrong. I had convinced myself that it was everybody else that had a problem overeating, I was just trying to be "healthy" and stay "fit." The fact that I was supposed to be eating at least 1500 calories more a day was a fact that just reinforced in my mind that it was everyone else that was eating too much.

There is no way to "cure" someone of an eating disorder. Just like any other mental illness, it is something that will be fought every day. It can be managed but it will never really go away. About three months ago, I came to the point in my life where I realized what I had been doing to myself for all of these years. For a decade, I had been starving myself and closing myself off from everyone that cared about me. I didn't want to be alone any more. I made the decision to try and be healthy, not skinny. I wanted to be the person that would be able to go out with friends and not have to do the math to figure out what I would have to do the next day to justify what I was eating and drinking to look normal. I wanted to be like everyone else. I didn't want to hate everything I saw in myself. I wanted to be happy. And, most of all, I didn't want a number to determine my happiness.

I wish I could say that I wake up every morning and feel wonderful about the way I look and I am completely comfortable in my own skin. I wish I could say that I no longer worry about what I eat or what I do to "balance" it all out. But, now I try not to let the number of calories eaten, the number of calories burned, the number on the scale all determine my happiness. I try to focus on being healthy and happy, not on hungry and skinny. I know I will probably struggle with this every day, every meal, but I am willing to try and fight what has become my natural tendency. I promised myself I would never again purge after going out with friends because I didn't "deserve" that night.

Unless someone has personally dealt with an eating disorder, they will never really know what the comments about a person's weight can do to another. They will never really understand the isolation that comes with this illness. They will never really know how to help. If any of my readers ever need someone to talk to or someone to just listen, I will be here for each and every one of you. Nothing can be said to make a person change the way they think, the most I can do is promise to be here for you all.