Five Years

Five years ago on April first I lost one of my best friends, Justin. I would think that by now I would be "over" it or something but apparently I'm not. I'm not at all. I miss him terribly.

I don't know, I thought that after five years it wouldn't hurt quite as much and it wouldn't make me quite as sad, but it does. And this really sucks. This time of the year, all I can think about is Justin and how we hung out every day during Spring Break and had plans for after he went out and spent time with his family. It just really sucks to think that this could have been so different. I can't help but think about all of the plans we had and everything we were going to do and it makes me so sad. And it makes me cry. Every fucking year, this brings me to tears. I guess this isn't something I'll ever really get over.

Just knowing that I saw him the night before, just hours before he was gone forever is heartbreaking. Just knowing that I spoke to him in the phone right before he went out with his family and we planned on meeting up later breaks me to pieces. Just knowing that I laughed when I was first told because I thought is was a really shitty April Fool's Day joke makes me feel like a terrible person. Can you just imagine, you get the phone call telling you that one of your closest friends is gone and you laugh and tell them to get real? I don't think I'll ever get over that... It took me actually going over to his apartment and realizing he wasn't ever coming back to realize he was truly gone. I don't remember much of the day after it hit me, I just went into a haze and followed the motions through the day and went where I was told. But he really was gone. Nothing I could say or do or bargain would make that any different. Even now, all I want is to see Justin and talk to him and I can't.

And when I hear so much about people complaining about stupid things this week I can't help but get pissed. Last week and this week I will be and I have been overly sensitive about things, not just because of my own health problems but because I know Justin never had the chance to deal with any of this. And it's not fair. How could it possibly be fair that someone so great and amazing and smart and thoughtful had to go so soon?

It's not fair. Life isn't fair. And sometimes, most of the time, life really does suck.

I miss you Justin.