This is the beginning

I recieved this message from a friend of mine recently and figured I would answer here (this is also a subject I will begin to talk about in more detail):

"I've only been skinny twice in my life...I am so fucking tired of not being what I want to be..I suppose I am venting to you because you know how it feels and well you are the poster child of skinny. @#$% I guess what I'm stating is what motivates you?"

 First, for those of you that don't me personally, I'm going to say that I am 5'11" and I weigh 125lbs. Many people seem to think I'm extremely skinny, but this isn't something I'd call myself. In our society, being skinny is something that women feel they must be in order to be accepted.

I've struggled with the fact that I have never been as skinny as I want to be. In my eyes, I have never truly been skinny. In my eyes, I see all of the places that I should lose weight. In my eyes, I see every imperfection that I should change. When I was younger, I was actually diagnosed with anorexia and I was almost diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. These problems have not just magically gone away, this is still something I deal with on a day-to-day basis and I still struggle with an eating disorder. These problems started from a very young age, I was never one to feel good enough. I was a military child with a very dysfunctional childhood, and I guess part of me began to feel that the only part of my life I had any control over was what I would eat. As I grew up, I hated every pound I would gain, I spent hours working out to burn off imaginary calories and pounds I thought I didn't need. I would only eat a tiny amount of food when I got to the point that I was risking passing out when I would do something as simple as stand up. This was going on in middle school and high school. I was just a child yet I felt so inadequate.

Now, I have started the recovery from this. I do relapse from time to time, but I'm much better off than I was while living with my family and they all but ignored this problem. What motivates me? Really, it's the fear that I will be fat. I doubt I will ever get rid of the fear pf gaining weight and the self loathing I feel when I step on the scale and it's not as low as I feel it should be. I'm motivated by my love of dance, it helps me to stay in shape in a way I enjoy. I can't step foot in a gym without getting a rush of feelings that I would years ago, so dance is my way to stay in shape. And, I've found it's a great way to express myself. What motivates me to try and be healthy in my weight loss? The fear that I will revert to the person I was.