Weekends with Jess are the best

This weekend was pretty amazing. Not just because I got to see the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special or watch the Stars, but because one of my closest friends, Jessica, was in town. And I got to take her to her first hockey game.

 

She got into town Friday night and she was actually really excited to "go hockey-ing." Despite having no idea what was going on, she was a great sport about the whole experience and got into giving some of the Rangers fans around us a hard time for rooting for the wrong team. Jess might have had absolutely no idea what icing was or why people were "put in time out" or even what the "Standing Cock" was, but she had a great time.

 

And then we met a couple guys that had two extra seats. Behind the Stars bench. So she got to get really close to the action.

Saturday we spent the day at the Kimbell Museum and got to go through their brand new Piano Pavilion (which opens to the public this weekend). We also went through the Picasso and Matisse exhibit that is on loan from the Chicago Museum of Art. Both of us were really excited to see the exhibit but we were totally blown away by the extensiveness of the entire show. It was art that spanned almost a hundred years and at least fifty different artists. If you all haven't seen it, I highly recommend you do because it was just amazing. After a stop at the always amazing Museum of Modern Art, we did end up parting ways so she could spend some time with her family here in Dallas.

It was great to see Jess again and be able to catch up on the past few months. Sometimes, its nice to be able to just spend some time with a friend that has stood by you through so much without judgement and not even have to talk about some of the major changes in your life. Sometimes its nice to just watch movies, drink wine, "go hockey-ing" and look at art.

Its also good to know that the next time she's in town I'll have someone to keep me company when I finally go get my first tattoo.

Dear Justin

Dear Justin,

 

The past couple months have been pretty terrible. I don't know how it got to the point it did, but it did. Despite everything you ever told me, I ended up with a major dick. I know, you would say I should have left immediately.

 

But you're not here.

 

And there are days, much like today, when I miss you terribly and all the things that you would say to help make these awful situations not so terrible. This wouldn't be so bad with you here.

 

But you're not here. And it isn't fair.

 

You would think after so many years this wouldn't still hurt and it wouldn't be a problem , but times like this remind me why I miss you. Why did you have to go so soon? We had so much we had planned. And me getting married to an abusive asshole was not part of that plan.

 

I've been listening to so many of 'your' songs and it makes me sad and I know it shouldn't. I should probably learn to let go, but a small part of me hopes that wherever you are now you can still see this. But hey, I finally got out. That has to count for something, right?

 

I miss you.

Thank you all

The last several days have been a whirlwind of emotion. After getting out of a toxic marriage, I was honestly very worried about what the response would be. Would people understand? Would people believe me? Would people treat me different? Can I do this?

I must say that I have some of the most amazing and supportive friends out there. Two "friends" have really shown their true colors with their constant harassment of not only me but of my friends that dare to try and support me. While they may claim to know "exactly" what happened, they never really understood how far it went and what they did know they just stood by and watched it happen. But that's fine.

I'm starting over and I don't need people like that in my life. If I did, I would have stayed.

I really just want to say thank you to everyone out there that has reached out to me and offered support. I was terrified to finally open up about everything that I've been through because no one really wants to admit to being stuck in an abusive relationship. Knowing I have so many wonderful, supportive people in my life has really made this entire process so much easier. People I haven't talked to in years have reached out to me and offered me support and help and that was amazing. My coworkers and even my supervisors have given me amazing advice and have really shown me how lucky I am to work for this company. To everyone that has reached out to me, thank you.

Knowing I have so many amazing friends behind me makes this so much easier. I know that starting over won't be easy, but I know that I have so many great people when times get tough.

And, if any of you out there are in a relationship like this, don't be afraid to leave. No matter who you are, you do not deserve to be in an abusive relationship. You do deserve better.

This has been a long time in the making

This has been a long time coming. I've tried to make sure that I have handled this entire thing with as much dignity and maturity as possible. But, apparently that isn't going to work. He's been lying about everything and causing way more drama than is necessary.

I've finally moved out. After five and a half years in this relationship, two and a half of which I have been married, I decided to leave. I realized that I can't be with someone that is not only an alcoholic, but also extremely abusive. It has been a long time coming but I have finally gotten strong enough to realize that I don't need this. I've been draggin my feet since July on finalizing the divorce, but I do not need to put up with someone that treats me like this.

Many people won't understand why I was willing to put up with someone that is abusive for so long, especially when this behavior started five years ago. I can't really explain why I've been willing to put up with all of these outbursts. Maybe its because this was such a huge part of my childhood. Maybe I just didn't think I deserved anything better. I can't really say why I've stuck through this. But I've finally realized it is time to walk away.

This hasn't been a decision that I made over night. I've put up with being hit more times than I can count. I've become way too good at making up excuses and covering up bruises and cut lips. I had to deal with getting chased out of my house in fear for my life more than once. I've even put up with Austin sleeping with one of my coworkers while I was sleeping down the hall. I've been dealing with the fact that I know that he will violate my privacy because he is insecure and jealous. I've dealt with him getting upset that I finally reached out for help for my anxiety and various other issues.

The past few weeks have really been pretty terrible. While he has known for months that this is happening, I think he actually realized that this was real. He didn't believe me since I have let him get away with so much without being able to stand up for myself. He has been breaking into my phone, reading my text messages and emails, calling people from my phone, harassing me and my friends nonstop, and all in all making life unbearable. He's even had another friend of his harassing me and another friend of mine. I've even had him yell at me that I'm too focused on myself because I've been taking medication and seeing professionals to get treatment and help.

I know I wouldn't have been strong enough to ever go out on my own if I hadn't started getting help. I know that I probably would have never actually gone through with a divorce and just stayed there forever. I know that I have made amazing progress in these last few months and I can do this. I know that I am not alone. I know that I do not deserve this. I can make it on my own.

I've been a bit surprised by the reaction that people have had when I've told them in the past few days that I've finally had enough. For the most part, people have been incredibly supportive. The general reaction from my friends have been that they are not surprised by his actions nor that we're getting a divorce. Most people are more surprised that we've been together as long as we have (and that I've let him get away with all of this and never involved the police). But there are two friends, Dan and Mel, that have shown themselves to not be friends at all. They not only condone Austin's behavior, but don't want me to leave him. I guess this has been an eye opening experience as to who my really friends are. I've realized how amazingly supportive most people are. I've also realized that some people are really just friends of convenience.

But I don't have to put up with this anymore. I have a new place. I have a new life. I have a new beginning.

And I can't wait to see what comes next.

I don't care if everyone reads this or no one reads this. Its time the truth came out.

Endings are hard

Endings are hard. It is a little extremely terrifying to think about starting over and creating something new. And while it may be for the best, it doesn't make the entire thought of starting from scratch less terrifying. Whether it is a new job, a new move, what have you, when a big part of your life is over, it can be a bit scary.

But they don't have to be terrifying. As I'm entering a new phase of my life, I can either completely freak out over the massive number of things that I need to get taken care or I can enjoy the ride. I was talking with a friend on Sunday about the challenges that will come up in the next few months and his take on this entire situation was simple: This is liberating.

And I hadn't actually looked at it like that before. I have a brand new, fresh start. I can do whatever I want with this start. I can go anywhere. While it is scary to think about what will happen in the coming months, I can also enjoy it. I can embrace these new beginnings with a smile because I'm leaving behind something that I should have so long ago. Its funny how one conversation can really change your perspective, but its times like these that I love having friends like this one.

And while it may not be ideal to go through such drastic changes during the insanely hectic fourth quarter, I guess what matters is that it will finally happen. Things will get better. It may be a struggle learning to adjust to these things, but it is a challenge that I'm now looking forward to rather than absolutely terrified about. I know that the next few months are going to be a bit stressful, but now I can look at things with a more positive light.

While I have spent so long worried and stressed out about what is to come, I can now look at this with a new perspective. I may still be a bit scared about starting over, but this is also going to be good. There's is nothing wrong with starting fresh somewhere new. It may be scary, but this will be a great thing for me. Instead of looking at this as something to be terrified of, I can now see how great this is going to be.

While endings may be hard, new beginnings are something to really embrace.