Don't tell me to "Cheer Up"

I don't understand why people feel the need to constantly try to tell me to "cheer up" or "look on the bright side" or "you just need to stay positive." I'm sorry, but do people think I enjoy the endless worrying that I do? Do people think I enjoy being unhappy? Telling someone to be happy or not to worry is one of the dumbest things you can do. Do people assume that if someone is depressed or anxious it's because they enjoy feeling like that?

I've been pretty emotional and worried lately. I don't enjoy feeling like this all the time, but it happens. Dealing with an anxiety disorder will usually make a person worry more than the average person on a day to day basis. When you're dealing with as much stuff as I am, being stressed and upset and even depressed happens. When you're dealing with the looming thought of cancer on a day to day basis and trying to put up the front that you're perfectly fine and you're handling it very well, you get even more stressed. In my mind, I figure I worry enough about what might happen, I don't want to burden other people with these thoughts. I know that people want to be there for me, but this is just how I handle things and this is how I process. I deal with it (or try to) and put up a facade that everything is A-OK. 

But, every so often, that mask does slip. When that happens, people have a glimpse of how distraught and worried and stressed this entire situation makes me. These people don't seem to understand that right now, in order to avoid chemo, I'm on a smattering of pharmaceuticals in order to just try to get through this. Doctors are hopeful, but they can't be certain that these pills will even do anything. I am only certain of a few things from these pills:

1. These pills greatly disrupt my sleep
2. Lack of sleep makes me irritable (like most people)
3. These pills make me nauseus constantly so I have less of an appetite than usual
4. I refuse to do chemo so these things had better work
5. I wont know anything for sure about their effectiveness until June

I do try to think positively and stay happy and not let things bother me too much, but I can't keep it up 24/7. This is apparently a fact many people don't understand. The moment I even look sad or angry or pessimistic or negative in any way, I get these comments about "just stay positive!" as if I'm the most negative person in the world. And you know what, even if I was negative, I'd like to see how these people respond to something this traumatic at 21. I try to be happy and positive, but I cant' keep it up all the time. It honestly wouldn't be healthy if I was like that constantly! People would assume that I don't understand or haven't' accepted what is really going on.

So, please, unless you have some sort of idea what anyone is going through, don't say something as dickish as "Just cheer up." You really have no idea what is going on in someone's life. People don't enjoy being sad. But it happens. Stop with the ridiculous comments about "being positive."

Just an Update

I've had several people get in touch with me over the past week to figure out how the whole cancer process was going. Instead of telling everyone individually and repeating myself over and over, I figure I'll post it here for you all to read and get the same information.

I went in just a little over four weeks ago to have a procedure done that would hopefully remove all of the cancerous cells and leave me healthy. I then had doctor's orders to take it easy and to take off the next week of work to rest and recover and heal. I didn't (a fact that I really don't want to talk about right now for fear of the fact I'll say something I really shouldn't) and proceeded to go to work the next week. Other than my cecchetti exam, I really didn't do much. I took it very easy at ballet for the next week and tried to give myself time to recover. Being anemic, the biggest fear the doctors had was that I would reopen a wound and begin to bleed profusely. That would have really sucked.

Last Wednesday, I went in for a follow up for the doctor to tell me that I was in fact healed and cancer free. Well, that didn't happen. Apparently there are an abundance of abnormal cells that have popped up everywhere. Because I'm still in the process of healing and getting over the last procedure, the doctor really can't say more without doing another set of biopsies. She's worried that this is in fact precancerous cells. Awesome. There is a slim chance that this might just be scar tissue that didn't have time to heal properly and due to the heavy stress I was on at work the following week. With the family history I have, she's worried is the firsts option. On top of this wonderful news, she would like for me to come in once a month to have a complete workup done to monitor white blood cells and a bunch of other stuff that I just honestly stopped listening to. She, in actually a really nice and wonderful way, said that I will get cancer at some point and it will be serious so I need to keep a constant watch on everything.

I have yet another appointment in a couple weeks for the doctors to run some more tests and biopsies and blood work and all that fun stuff. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Maybe I'm just being pessimistic about this entire thing since I was extremely shocked by the news I received last week, but I don't think its just scar tissue. Looking at my own family history and knowing what I do, I really don't think I'll be lucky enough to have this all just be a little problem that I've been worrying about for no reason. After thinking about it, I really don't know if I will go in for a full workup every month even if it is cancer. At this time, I'm thinking I'll have them remove it like last time then just wait until my next annual appointment. I don't know if I want to put myself through the trouble of a doctors appointment and needles every month for god-knows how long until they find something serious. Again, this might just be me being all depressed and pessimistic about the entire situation, but I think I'd rather just go once, remove it, and continue a semi-normal life until they tell me it is a serious problem. I don't know if I want to go through the stress that doing this monthly checkup. If I can at least throw this entire matter to the back of my mind for eleven months of the year, then I'm going to do just that very thing.

I'll know more after my next appointment in a couple weeks about what exactly is wrong and how bad this entire situation is and I'll then make the decision on whether or not I will actually schedule monthly appointments. Either way, I'll let you all know something about what the outcome is of everything.

Well, enough of this wonderful, cheery post. I will talk to you all soon! And don't worry, next time I wont be quite as moody and upset as I am now.

I'm fed up with Susan G. Komen

I'm absolutely disgusted with the entire Susan G. Komen foundation. As I'm sure you all know, last week there was quite the controversy when Komen decided it was no longer going to be sending funds to Planned Parenthood. Then, within a few days, the decision was reversed. Both of these decisions were entirely political and have been the last straw for me.  Before you continue to blindly support Komen, take a good look at what they actually do for women and where they actually stand politically. You may be surprised.

Komen decided to pull it's funding from Planned Parenthood on the basis that they have a new rule that states that Komen is not allowed to give out funds to a company that is under investigation by the government. Oddly enough, this rule was created shortly after Karen Handel was hired by Komen. Handel is a very outspoken anti-abortion advocate and has been reported on several occasions as saying that she is "pro-life, I do not support the mission of Planned Parenthood." Is it really that surprising that shortly after she was hired this new rule has come out about who may or may not receive Komen grant money and the only ones affected by this decision is Planned Parenthood? 

It is quite obvious that Komen has folded to the religious right in this country and is putting politics before the health of women. Komen has folded to the conservative propaganda that continually spews the lie that Planned Parenthood is an abortion factory and that all Planned Parenthood does is provide abortions. Apparently the fact the Planned Parenthood provides support and often the mammograms (or pays for the mammograms) of women that cannot afford them. The religious agenda ignores the fact that Planned Parenthood has saved countless lives with their services. All they focus on is the fact that Planned Parenthood offers abortions, a service which is only a tiny percentage of the services actually performed. 

Big deal, Komen decided to see reason and reverse the decision. Did they reverse the decision because they care about women? No, they did it because they lost hundreds of thousands of dollars with this widely publicized decision. They aren't reversing the decision because there has been some change in the mindset of those at the top of Komen. All they see are the dollar signs, dollar signs they lost with this poor decision. 

If this was the only problem with the entire Susan G. Komen foundation, I may be willing to forgive the organization and continue to support them. But this is the final act of a long list of grievances that Komen has committed. Komen has continued to take thousands of dollars from companies like Bank of America, a company that is under government investigation I might add. Komen has a history of going after small charities for using phrases like "for the cure" and using thousands of donation dollars to pursue these lawsuits. Komen pays the top executives a disgustingly high salary, all while trying to siphon more money from people that want to help a worthy cause. Komen uses sexist marketing hooks in order to draw attention to their campaign. Komen is known to partner with extremely unhealthy companies such as KFC to raise money. 

The Susan G. Komen foundation is nothing but a money making campaign that only looks out for itself now. It has lost sight of the fact that it is supposed to be helping women. I know that I will never send another penny towards this farce of an organization. I was sending them about $50 a month, a total of $600 a year and that dropped in the past year as more and more of their true nature has come to light. Now, all of the money I was sending will be split between Planned Parenthood as well as a few other select organizations that I am still trying to decide between. 

What a Weekend!

As you all know, this has been a trying weekend for me. I had not only my procedure to get my cancerous cells removed but also my ballet exam.

Thursday I had a procedure done known as an LEEP. I am pleased to report to all of you that this procedure went as well as could be expected! I spent about three hours at the doctor's office on Thursday while they worked to get rid of all of the cancerous cells. After the procedure was done, they told me that they're pretty sure they were able to remove all of these cells. I was advised to take it easy and do no physical activity for the next 3-5 days. After asking, they did give me the go ahead to take my ballet exam even though it's on Sunday. I was also told to resume light activity for the next three weeks, but I have been required to take it easy and be careful not to overexert myself.

This doesn't really work with the fact that I've tried to take up running. I guess I'll start back on the running Tuesday before ballet if I'm feeling up to it... If I'm not still sick that is. I knew I was coming down with a cold on Wednesday and I was hoping to be over it already, but alas I'm not. I feel absolutely terrible. I can't remember the last time I felt this terrible. My throat has been swollen, I've been all stuffed up, and I've had a fever running constantly since Friday. Not exactly fun.

And now, my ballet exam! I wasn't exactly sure if I'd be able to take my exam since I was notified after my appointment on Thursday that I needed written consent to take the exam, something I didn't think twice about. I wasn't able to get a hold of my doctor on Friday so Friday and Saturday I pretty much gave up hope and figured I would have to wait to be able to take my exam. Something I didn't want to do considering I've been working for quite some time on this. Sunday morning I got a call from my ballet instructor telling me that as long as I filled out a release promising not to sue if I got hurt and promised to leave the exam if I noticed any pain, I could take the exam. And I already got the email back from my instructor informing me that I passed!

Even sick and recently getting rid of cancer, I can still dance!

Today is the day

Today I'm going to have a procedure that will (hopefully) be able to remove all of the cancerous cells. Since it is Stage I, there will be no chemo involved. I know how hard chemotherapy is on your entire body and how rough it is to go through so I'm thrilled to hear that I won't have to worry about it. Since my procedure is this afternoon, I knew I would drive myself crazy thinking and worrying about this if I was at home. So I decided to come to work. I doubt I will really get anything done today, but I just couldn't stand the thought of doing nothing at all and driving myself insane.

After the procedure, I'm supposed to stay in bed and do absolutely nothing for at least three days, preferably up to five. Being anemic, the big concern is that I will reopen any wounds and begin to bleed profusely and die. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but that's the reasoning. Me being me, I know that there's no way I can stay home, let alone in bed, for three days. And since I have my Cecchetti exam on Sunday, I know that's not going to happen. I have already discussed this with my doctors and even though they're not exactly thrilled, they're willing to let me do it. It just means I have to take even more time to recover and be careful and blah blah blah.

Lucky for all of you, being on bed rest means I get to post more on here! I doubt I'll post an update later today, but you can all expect something tomorrow! Fingers crossed it all goes well and I don't die or something!

(I won't die, stop worrying)

I Lied

Alright, Readers. I lied. In my last post I said I wasn't going to talk about this diagnosis until I knew more but honestly, I don't think that's going to work. After I told Austin, I think that helped me to accept what I was going through. So I've told Jessica and four other people I work with about getting diagnosed with cancer. I think it might actually be helping me deal with it by letting other people know what is going on.

I also called my doctor yesterday because after I got the call confirming that it is cervical cancer, I tuned out the entire conversation. Anything that came after "cancer" is just a blur, and I figured I needed to know this information so I called back yesterday while I was off. I'm glad I did. I not only confirmed when exactly my next appointments are, but I learned a little about the steps I'll need to take and what the outcome is. Since it was just a phone call, they didn't go into quite as much detail. But hearing a little information has helped calm me down a little. My next appointment I'll learn more about cancer, the options I have, and the steps we're going to take to get rid of it. I'll also learn about what all of the consequences are going to be. The appointment I have after that is when they're going to be doing biopsies and more tests.

I have spent a lot of time reading up about it in general and trying to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never be able to have kids due to this. The more I learn about it, the better I feel. But it really sucks having to tell people. Seeing their reactions and seeing them start to cry because I'm so young and having to deal with this makes me want to cry. But having the support of people is already something I know that I will need in the next several months.

Also, I do apologize if my last post wasn't exactly coherent. I had been crying and upset and just wanted to get it out there. Hopefully this post makes a little more sense and explains a little better what I'm going through... I'm pretty sure drinking (a lot) before posting that helped any...