Life has no gaurantees

April first, also known as April Fool's Day. This is supposed to be a day filled with laughter, pranks, and jokes. Never again will I see it as a happy day. It will always be a dark day, a day that I lost a great friend. It will always be a day that I hold in my heart as the first time a great friend was taken from me so suddenly, changing my life forever.

To think, it all started with a phone call. I thought this was one of the worst April Fool's jokes ever thought of. Why would someone even think about joking about Justin being dead? It wasn't funny in the least. It was actually quite a cruel thing to say. But I knew, just absolutely knew, that it couldn't be true. I had just seen Justin the night before; we had made plans to hang out later. This was our last day of Spring Break; we were going to do something before it was officially over. He couldn't be gone. I wouldn't accept it. Two friends picked me up within a matter of minutes, they had gotten the call too. They said the same thing that the horrible person on the phone did, Justin was gone.

 We started driving around, none of us daring to speak. But I knew that it wasn't true. Justin was in on this joke and we'd see him later that night and he would laugh at us for thinking that he was actually gone. Then we would go out to the parking lot that we would always hang out in and smoke until the early hours of the morning. He would joke with us about the fact that he couldn't have died, not when he wasn't sick. Not when we had seen each other the day before. Not when we had made plans for the next day. Not when we had plans for the rest of the school year. Not when we had plans for our senior year. Not when we had plans for the years after high school. Justin would laugh at us and tease us forever being so gullible to believe that he was gone.

The next thing I knew we had ended up at his apartment. I went up to knock, just knowing that he would be in there. I knew he was. The door was unlocked, even propped open a little. That's strange... I had never seen his door open before now. I walked in. Then, I broke down. I started crying in great, gasping, body shaking sobs. The friends had led me outside without me even acknowledging it. And I collapsed onto the ground. We all started crying together, trying to gain what strength we could from each other.

He really was gone. I never had the chance to tell him everything I thought I had so much time to tell him. He was one of my best friends and yet I never told him how much he meant to me. Justin was gone and I would never again be able to tell him all the things I thought I would be able to later. There would never be another day for me to tell him how talented I thought he was. I couldn't tell him that when he played the guitar for me, it was one of the most amazing experiences. I couldn't tell him that his laugh was contagious, that his jokes were sometimes so bad that they were hilarious. I couldn't tell him that he was one of the few people I felt comfortable being me around. I couldn't tell him that now, all these years later, that his influence in my life forever changed who I am. I couldn't tell him that his ability to be who he was without worrying about other people helped me to come into my own. I couldn't tell him about what happened to me after high school. I couldn't tell him that I got over so many of my addictions. I couldn't tell him that I was doing everything I could to live life to the fullest. I couldn't tell him that I was doing everything I could to be happy, not wallowing in self-pity. I couldn't tell him that I really was going to make something of myself.

After that day, my life changed. I knew life has no guarantee, you never know when the last time you will see someone will be. Just because you make plans to see someone the next day does not guarantee that you will have another day with them. I learned the hard way that you have to live life fully. Now, after all of the time that has passed, it still hurts to think about the fact that Justin will never get to experience all of these things in life but that is no reason to hold back, no reason to hide away. Life is meant to be lived.