Why do I have to believe?

I'm a good person. Really, I am. Some people may tell you otherwise, but they're dirty rotten liars.

But, apparently, I am going to hell.

At least, that's what some want you to believe. Personally, I think that, one of these days, I'm going to a burn for a couple minutes and then get put into an urn or sprinkled around some place I found significant, but there are those among us who will tell you that I'm going to a place significantly deeper, hotter and eviler than that.

And why?

It's not because I don't care about others. I spend a lot of days in a volunteer service group, I hold doors open for people, I've even been willing to give money to the guy on the side of the road before!

It's not because I'm mean. Quite often I will make jokes at the expense of others, but no one I ever mock (that I know of) has ever really believed that I mean anything but light-hearted humor from it, and everyone knows that I will help them if there is any way I can. If I realize I offend someone with something I say in jest, I am more than willing to go apologize for whatever I may have said.

No, best I can tell, the (supposed) reason that I will be traveling (way) down to visit ol' Mephistopheles is simple: I'm an atheist.

I don't see why this is such a big deal.

I had this conversation with one of my former friends, as we were both recent graduates and I had just moved to Dallas to live with my fiance (and live in sin, I might add). She and I are both good people. We help when we can, we try not to offend, you know the routine. No, the primary difference between us is that, while I am an atheist, she is a particularly devout Baptist Christian.

I just don't see why she needs to be. Not that she can't be devout, but why be so... Over the top about it?

She says that her faith and devotion help her "do good works," but I know, without a doubt, that that isn't true. Take God away completely, and Sydney would still be out volunteering all the time, helping whoever she can. That's who she is, and the presence of God doesn't change that for her; it just makes her have a so-called reason for doing "good."

Not that I accept this reason, really. In fact, and this sounds terribly conceited and possibly even offensive to some. I occasionally feel like my good deeds are, in some ways, even more altruistic than those performed by the more Christian.

Bear with me on this. Let me explain.

There are Christians out there whose good works are derived only from their desire to get into heaven - though, admittedly, Sydney and many, many others do not fall into this category. There is an ulterior motive to their deeds. Even if not to get into heaven, they want their god to reward them. On the other hand, I feel that, when I do something good, there is only the benefit there. I know for a fact that I'm not doing good for someone else in return for an afterlife of wings and harps. I do it so I can help. Yes, I am in a moment of "look at me", but this has really been bothering me. Especially with Sydney trying to reconnect with me lately, trying to convert me to Christianity, this type of thing has been bothering me even more.

Listen, I don't think poorly of religious people. Sydney and her boyfriend are two of the sweetest people in the world, and they are both extremely religious. I just don't get it.

I don't even want to believe in a God that will send me to hell because, despite the good that I do, I simply did not see enough evidence to convince me that he (or she, or it) was actually there. You want me to believe in you? Give me a reason. I understand that flies in the face of "faith," but I fail to understand why we should take some unseen being's word on that one simple fact when we as a species require proof and explanation for nearly everything else in life (or death). Wouldn't this god be more pleased with the fact that I chose to use the reasoning skills he gave me to question his existence? Is it not a good thing that I have chosen to become a good person not because I fear something or I want something, but because I actually want to be a good person?

I don't understand prayer. The Lord works in mysterious ways, sure, I've heard that. But I don't get why prayer needs to come into play there. Let's say I don't pray at all, and I end up in the hospital with some mysterious malady. I'm dying, and the doctors can't figure it out. Suddenly, I decide that the one thing I haven't done is pray for help, or salvation, or whatever I'm supposed to pray for. Is God supposed to hear my prayer and think, "Oh, Audrey doesn't want this thing to kill her. I never would have known if she hadn't prayed"? I mean, if he's going to save me, he's going to save me, prayer or not. If I get to go to heaven, I should get to go to heaven, prayer or not. If it takes a quick "amen" to change that, then God's a bit too wishy-washy for my tastes, anyway. If he's there, he knows his plan. If I need to pray to him to let him know I need something or I'm in trouble it doesn't seem to me like he really is omnipotent.

Like I said, most religious people don't bother me. I just get very tired of the ones who feel the need to "save" me because, despite the good that I do, I have the "flaw" of being an atheist. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but I don't think it should be anyone's mission to show me the supposed error of my ways.

If God wants me that badly, he'll show me the error himself.