But alas, dear followers, I've finally opened up to Austin about a pretty serious issue in my life that I have been too afraid to talk about lately. I have cancer. I have a test coming up in a few weeks to get a few things tested and biopsied, but it is coming up. As I am sure most of you don't know, there is a very strong history of cancer in my family, so this is a strong reason for me to be afraid.
I heard about this about a week and a half ago and didn't want to say anything on here before I told Austin (for obvious reasons) and hence I haven't mentioned it before now. So... I'm telling you all now: I have a very serious series of tests coming up to tell me if I have cancer. How fun...
In the mean time, I'm going to watch Spinal Tap with commentary (and if you haven't you really should, it's hilarious) and act like this hasn't happened until I've gotten the result of my tests!!
Cheers!!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
"Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" - Josh Groban
Monday, January 9, 2012
This is the beginning
I recieved this message from a friend of mine recently and figured I would answer here (this is also a subject I will begin to talk about in more detail):
I've struggled with the fact that I have never been as skinny as I want to be. In my eyes, I have never truly been skinny. In my eyes, I see all of the places that I should lose weight. In my eyes, I see every imperfection that I should change. When I was younger, I was actually diagnosed with anorexia and I was almost diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. These problems have not just magically gone away, this is still something I deal with on a day-to-day basis and I still struggle with an eating disorder. These problems started from a very young age, I was never one to feel good enough. I was a military child with a very dysfunctional childhood, and I guess part of me began to feel that the only part of my life I had any control over was what I would eat. As I grew up, I hated every pound I would gain, I spent hours working out to burn off imaginary calories and pounds I thought I didn't need. I would only eat a tiny amount of food when I got to the point that I was risking passing out when I would do something as simple as stand up. This was going on in middle school and high school. I was just a child yet I felt so inadequate.
Now, I have started the recovery from this. I do relapse from time to time, but I'm much better off than I was while living with my family and they all but ignored this problem. What motivates me? Really, it's the fear that I will be fat. I doubt I will ever get rid of the fear pf gaining weight and the self loathing I feel when I step on the scale and it's not as low as I feel it should be. I'm motivated by my love of dance, it helps me to stay in shape in a way I enjoy. I can't step foot in a gym without getting a rush of feelings that I would years ago, so dance is my way to stay in shape. And, I've found it's a great way to express myself. What motivates me to try and be healthy in my weight loss? The fear that I will revert to the person I was.
"I've only been skinny twice in my life...I am so fucking tired of not being what I want to be..I suppose I am venting to you because you know how it feels and well you are the poster child of skinny. @#$% I guess what I'm stating is what motivates you?"First, for those of you that don't me personally, I'm going to say that I am 5'11" and I weigh 125lbs. Many people seem to think I'm extremely skinny, but this isn't something I'd call myself. In our society, being skinny is something that women feel they must be in order to be accepted.
I've struggled with the fact that I have never been as skinny as I want to be. In my eyes, I have never truly been skinny. In my eyes, I see all of the places that I should lose weight. In my eyes, I see every imperfection that I should change. When I was younger, I was actually diagnosed with anorexia and I was almost diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. These problems have not just magically gone away, this is still something I deal with on a day-to-day basis and I still struggle with an eating disorder. These problems started from a very young age, I was never one to feel good enough. I was a military child with a very dysfunctional childhood, and I guess part of me began to feel that the only part of my life I had any control over was what I would eat. As I grew up, I hated every pound I would gain, I spent hours working out to burn off imaginary calories and pounds I thought I didn't need. I would only eat a tiny amount of food when I got to the point that I was risking passing out when I would do something as simple as stand up. This was going on in middle school and high school. I was just a child yet I felt so inadequate.
Now, I have started the recovery from this. I do relapse from time to time, but I'm much better off than I was while living with my family and they all but ignored this problem. What motivates me? Really, it's the fear that I will be fat. I doubt I will ever get rid of the fear pf gaining weight and the self loathing I feel when I step on the scale and it's not as low as I feel it should be. I'm motivated by my love of dance, it helps me to stay in shape in a way I enjoy. I can't step foot in a gym without getting a rush of feelings that I would years ago, so dance is my way to stay in shape. And, I've found it's a great way to express myself. What motivates me to try and be healthy in my weight loss? The fear that I will revert to the person I was.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Happy New Year's, readers!
This is going to be the post that I'm sure you have all seen a hundred times already, but I feel like it's always a good thing to do. This is going to be my year-end wrap up and my prelude to the new year. Since you can all go back and read about the past year, I promise not to spend much time reliving it.
This past year has been a very exciting year indeed. I got married, I moved, I started college, I became even more devoted to ballet. And those are just the major events in life. This year has been filled with many hard times, many good times, and a lot of time wasted. I've grown a lot as a person and as a writer. This past year, I finally realized what I want to do with my life and what I want to do with my career. There have been many tears shed this year, both from sadness and from joy. Austin and I have had our share of troubles, but we've come out as better people because of everything we've been through. At some point, I may go into some of those details and try to help you all avoid the same mistakes I have made. For now though, I'm still working through everything I've learned and trying to make myself a better person for it all. Many mistakes have been made in the past year, but without mistakes you never give your chance to move forward.
I'm starting out this year even more dedicated to school than I was before. I know that to achieve the things I want most in life, I must do everything I can to get my degree. This is going to be a long process and I know I wont finish it by year's end, but I will be putting even more work into my schooling. For my first semester, I only took two classes and one during this wintermester (which I am actually still in the middle of). For the Spring semester, I'm stepping it up to take three courses. I know it will be even more work and it will take away what little free time I have now, but I think the result of graduating a little earlier is going to be worth it all. Now that I know what I want to major in, I plan on taking several courses this year to help further me on this path.
Working and my career is going to have a different path this year. My focus is not so much on the place I am now, but getting to somewhere new. There are many things that have lead me to realize that I can't stay with my current employer, some of these circumstances are due to the troubles of last year, and some of these reasons are just due to the fact that I can't do exactly what I want to do here. I love most of my coworkers, I like what I do, but I don't think I could be an executive assistant for the rest of my life. When I realized what I wanted to do with my life, I lit a fire that I cannot put out. Now, this isn't just something I would like to do, this is something that I have to do. This is what I am, this is what I will be. This new year is going to be filled with a lot of uncertainty, but I know that I am heading in the right direction now.
And then I have ballet, my dancing. When I started dancing a year and a half ago, I was just doing it as something to keep me in shape and as something that I had always wanted to try. Now, I am on my way to becoming a dancer. I have my first recital this June which I am both excited and nervous for. I have my exam at the end of January which I am actually not nervous at all about. I know I am going to pass with flying colors. Ballet was something that started out as a once a week event, now it is something that I look forward to three days a week and practice even on "off" days. Ballet is also the best way for me to get a work out in. Some people choose to go to a gym and work up a sweat, I go to ballet. I dance. I have a way to not only channel my emotions, but a way to stay in shape. And, having one of my close friends joining me for classes ha only added to my passion for dance.
In my own personal life, there have been a lot of changes and I plan to keep them all up. I've had a lot of personal struggles in many areas, and I'm now coming to see that I can not rely on someone else to make me happy. Happiness is not something that will come from another person doing or not doing something, it is something that must come from within. No matter how much I change my career, my schooling, my dancing, or my home, if I am not happy with who I am, I can't be truly happy. Now, I'm trying to be okay with my shortcomings as well as make necessary changes with myself. These changes are going to be great for you, dear readers, because that gives me new writing material! Be on the lookout for these wonderful, insightful posts! Well, maybe they'll be insightful, but they will be new at least!
And here we are, looking at the fresh start of the year... One can only imagine what will come of it. I have my own plans, but I've come to realize that what I want and what I should do are often entirely different prospects in life.
This past year has been a very exciting year indeed. I got married, I moved, I started college, I became even more devoted to ballet. And those are just the major events in life. This year has been filled with many hard times, many good times, and a lot of time wasted. I've grown a lot as a person and as a writer. This past year, I finally realized what I want to do with my life and what I want to do with my career. There have been many tears shed this year, both from sadness and from joy. Austin and I have had our share of troubles, but we've come out as better people because of everything we've been through. At some point, I may go into some of those details and try to help you all avoid the same mistakes I have made. For now though, I'm still working through everything I've learned and trying to make myself a better person for it all. Many mistakes have been made in the past year, but without mistakes you never give your chance to move forward.
I'm starting out this year even more dedicated to school than I was before. I know that to achieve the things I want most in life, I must do everything I can to get my degree. This is going to be a long process and I know I wont finish it by year's end, but I will be putting even more work into my schooling. For my first semester, I only took two classes and one during this wintermester (which I am actually still in the middle of). For the Spring semester, I'm stepping it up to take three courses. I know it will be even more work and it will take away what little free time I have now, but I think the result of graduating a little earlier is going to be worth it all. Now that I know what I want to major in, I plan on taking several courses this year to help further me on this path.
Working and my career is going to have a different path this year. My focus is not so much on the place I am now, but getting to somewhere new. There are many things that have lead me to realize that I can't stay with my current employer, some of these circumstances are due to the troubles of last year, and some of these reasons are just due to the fact that I can't do exactly what I want to do here. I love most of my coworkers, I like what I do, but I don't think I could be an executive assistant for the rest of my life. When I realized what I wanted to do with my life, I lit a fire that I cannot put out. Now, this isn't just something I would like to do, this is something that I have to do. This is what I am, this is what I will be. This new year is going to be filled with a lot of uncertainty, but I know that I am heading in the right direction now.
And then I have ballet, my dancing. When I started dancing a year and a half ago, I was just doing it as something to keep me in shape and as something that I had always wanted to try. Now, I am on my way to becoming a dancer. I have my first recital this June which I am both excited and nervous for. I have my exam at the end of January which I am actually not nervous at all about. I know I am going to pass with flying colors. Ballet was something that started out as a once a week event, now it is something that I look forward to three days a week and practice even on "off" days. Ballet is also the best way for me to get a work out in. Some people choose to go to a gym and work up a sweat, I go to ballet. I dance. I have a way to not only channel my emotions, but a way to stay in shape. And, having one of my close friends joining me for classes ha only added to my passion for dance.
In my own personal life, there have been a lot of changes and I plan to keep them all up. I've had a lot of personal struggles in many areas, and I'm now coming to see that I can not rely on someone else to make me happy. Happiness is not something that will come from another person doing or not doing something, it is something that must come from within. No matter how much I change my career, my schooling, my dancing, or my home, if I am not happy with who I am, I can't be truly happy. Now, I'm trying to be okay with my shortcomings as well as make necessary changes with myself. These changes are going to be great for you, dear readers, because that gives me new writing material! Be on the lookout for these wonderful, insightful posts! Well, maybe they'll be insightful, but they will be new at least!
And here we are, looking at the fresh start of the year... One can only imagine what will come of it. I have my own plans, but I've come to realize that what I want and what I should do are often entirely different prospects in life.
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