People ask me how I'm doing and I always smile and say that I'm great. Because that's what I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to feel free. I'm supposed to be loving life on my own. I'm supposed to enjoy this freedom that comes with not having to worry about you waking me up in the middle of the night drunk and angry. I'm supposed to be happy that I made the right decision and finally got the courage to leave.
I ended this several months ago. I walked away and promised to never look back. I told myself that never again would I feel that way. I knew that I would never again get myself into that sort of toxic relationship. This was my choice, my decision.
Your constant harassment even now is a good sign that I most definitely made the right choice. Knowing that you would try and destroy a car that I've only had for a few days further indicates that this was the right choice. When your parents have made no contact except to try and justify why you're breaking a protective order and not once ask to see how I'm doing I know that they were never really there for me. When you're still keeping tabs on my life and doing everything you can to destroy any sense of happiness, I know that leaving was the right choice.
So why are there times that I'm so terrified of being alone?
I ended this several months ago. I walked away and promised to never look back. I told myself that never again would I feel that way. I knew that I would never again get myself into that sort of toxic relationship. This was my choice, my decision.
Your constant harassment even now is a good sign that I most definitely made the right choice. Knowing that you would try and destroy a car that I've only had for a few days further indicates that this was the right choice. When your parents have made no contact except to try and justify why you're breaking a protective order and not once ask to see how I'm doing I know that they were never really there for me. When you're still keeping tabs on my life and doing everything you can to destroy any sense of happiness, I know that leaving was the right choice.
So why are there times that I'm so terrified of being alone?
I wake up in the middle of the night alone and I can't help the instant moment of fear that you're going to be there. I can't seem to silence that voice, your voice, that is constantly telling me I can't do this alone. I can't ignore that nagging feeling that I will fail. When I think about the few good moments we had together, I know I miss that feeling of being wanted but not that feeling that you always let me know I wasn't good enough to be loved. I try to ignore those times you would tell me that I would never be able to do anything on my own.
But who wants to listen to me talk about how terrified I am? I'm the one who left. I'm the one who walked away. I'm the one that said "Enough". I don't have any right to feel sad or alone or broken or terrified. I made this decision. I shouldn't feel anything but happiness. As the one that walked away, friends tell me I made the right decision, I was doing the right thing. But the past five and a half years did happen and I can't just forget that. The many reasons that I stayed and the control you had over me doesn't just evaporate overnight.
People tell me I made the right decision, but no one told me how hard it would be to be alone. No one told me that the heartbreakers hurt, too.
No comments:
Post a Comment