I started dancing about three and a half years ago and I found something there that I needed in my life. Dancing was a way for me to discover a new part of myself and to become comfortable with my body. When you're constantly thinking about what you eat and how many calories you take in and how thin you can make yourself, dancing in naught but a leotard and tights can be a daunting thought. But, this was something that I had wanted to do for most of my life, so I started going.
Dancing has become a huge part of my life. I dance in the studio at least four days a week, sometimes five, and at home the rest of the week. When people ask me to do anything during the week, without fail, I know my answer will always be "Sorry, I can't. I've got dance." I went from dancing once a week to me trying to arrange the rest of my life to fit. Last year I missed several hockey games because I had dance. Now that there is a season, I know I'll probably miss just as many, even with a shortened season, because I'm dancing even more. But that's okay with me. While I love hockey, nothing can replace the feeling I get when I dance. And while I know I'll never be a professional, this is still something I love, something I never thought would help me as it has. I don't have much of an opportunity to go out during the week since I have to be at the studio at 9:00 on Saturdays and I'm there until at least 2:00.
When I started dancing all those years ago, I didn't realize that it would make me feel more confident. I would have never assumed that simply dancing would, overtime, allow me to cope with an eating disorder. Who would have ever imagined that ballet would help me begin to eat better and actually not feel guilty about eating? Dancing has done more than simply teach me the steps, it has given me a place to fully express everything I'm feeling without ever having to speak a word to anyone. . After some of my most difficult days, I would be able to go to the studio and take out all of my anger and frustration out on the dance floor. On the best days, I can I can walk in and by the way I plie or devloppe and my instructor seems to understand the type of mood I'm in and what style of teaching is going to help me understand a new step or concept. I didn't realize how much closer it would have made me and Mel after I convinced her to also start taking classes
I've also realized that when I dance, I feel at home.
Maybe part of it is due to the fact that I'm pretty sure I spend more time at the studio than in my own actual house, but there is something that just feels like home when I dance. My studio takes off two weeks for the Christmas holidays and I missed a week because I was taking a math course. So prior to yesterday I hadn't been at the studio in three weeks (yay math!). And even though I did practice through the break and I have my own room in which to practice and have all of my costumes, there was something a bit like coming home when I got to dance yesterday. Maybe this bought of sentimentality is due to the fact that I haven't been there for three whole weeks but I've come to realize how much dancing and my studio means to me. I know in a few years I'll probably leave the studio I'm at so I can continue to advance, a fact I discussed with someone else for the first time this weekend, and it really kinda makes me sad to think about leaving.
Just like (most) people don't want to leave home, its something I know I need to do in order to grow. I don't always agree with everything in my studio and there are often tiffs about my schedule because, as much as I would rather spend all day there, I simply can't. And, though it wont happen for a few years, it was a realization that caused me to think about how much this studio and ballet and pointe and jazz and tap and pilates have helped me through some wonderful and difficult times. It made me realize that dancing is more than a hobby, its a part of who I am.
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