If I am Pandora's Box, do you still want to open it?

I realized I had severe trust issues the day a stranger offered me shelter from the pouring rain. It was a simple, kind gesture that I was so doubtful of, I chose to walk in the rain instead, soaking me from head to toe.

I have stopped giving the benefit of the doubt to anyone since god knows when, and it’s starting to eat me inside because I keep pushing away the only people whom I truly ever care about.

I do not know when I started building a wall so that no one will ever be able to come in. I am cold on the exterior, but it is not an act or a pretense to be so aloof to increase my allure. I’m not doing it on purpose. It’s like an innate defense mechanism that I can’t seem to override.

I have watched a loved one attempting to take her life for an unrequited love, and it was not romantic at all. The pain which I felt when I came to know what she did and the emotional turmoil the family had to go through was indescribable, and it got me questioning the necessity of being in love. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I don’t want to be in love. It’s that I’m too afraid to trust it.

I’m harsh, defensive, and have a seemingly impenetrable barrier, but it is not meant to keep you at bay. I’m only being careful. The fact that I lashed words out at you does not mean I do not care.

Please don't misconstrue my need for freedom and a life alone as me pushing you away. I've been alone for a very long time, anything else is a change I'm not sure I can handle. I'm not running away because I dislike you, but I need to be certain before there are plans for anything past the weekend.

It takes a while for me to let my guard down. Each time you feel discouraged and don’t know how else to get me to open up, don’t give up. I don't know how to get myself to open up either. Perhaps this is the only way I can tell you how I honestly feel, since it is so difficult for me to open up to you.

Whenever I try to open up, I have a strong urge to run away.

That “wall” which I have built was not only to protect people from coming in, but to protect them from me, from the hurt which I can cause because of what I’ve done in the past. I can be sweet and caring and full of love, but that also comes with the anger, distrust, and snarkiness that is so ingrained in my nature.

So tell me: If I am Pandora's Box, do you still want to open it?

Stop shitting on community college students

Community college is pretty amazing. It’s a great way to get all of your prerequisites out of the way and kind of feel out the whole college experience without having to amass a lifetime of debt in the process. People give community college kids absolute hell because they think it’s somehow lesser or makes you trash. Leave community college kids alone. They are doing the best they can and they are the ones who are out there taking advantage of what little this country is doing to help them with education and they deserve your respect. I hope you spit on those people. I hope you laugh at their crushing debt. I hope you make them cry.

Anyone who wants to further their own education in any way deserves your respect and you damn well better recognize.

The great thing about community college is that there’s less risk. Sure, you still need to take specific classes to earn your associate’s degree, if that’s the route you want to take, but if there’s a class that interests you, you can take it and it won’t cost very much. No education is completely cost free or guilt free, but community colleges come pretty damn close. The best thing to do to figure out your major, I think, is take the lower level classes in areas you might want to major/minor in and then see if you actually like them. At community college, you take all the low-level shit like math and bio so you don’t need to worry about taking them at a 4-year university, should you decide to transfer later.

I’ve known so many people who go to a 4-year college for a specific major only to find out they like it in theory, but fucking hate it in reality, and then they’re totally fucked because the major they want to switch to doesn’t exist at their university. That issue doesn’t come up so much with community colleges because everything is generalized. Community colleges want to serve the community at large, not focus in on specifics.

Another thing to remember is that there are multiple paths available to you with community college. You can earn a 2-year degree and transfer somewhere without them looking too closely at your piss-poor high school grades. Actually, if you have a degree, most schools won’t even ask for your high school transcript, which is lucky for you, I’m sure. The other thing is that you don’t need a degree, you can just transfer because like my counselor once said: "Once you have your bachelor’s, no one fucking cares about anything you earned before that."

But hey, maybe you don’t want to transfer to a 4-year school and that’s okay too! There are plenty of fields that only require a 2-year degree. You can be an LTA or a vet tech or whatever the hell program it is that your community college is really trying to sell you on. Not every job needs a 4-year degree, which no one seems to tell kids anymore. Yes, a college education is important, but not all college educations are the same. But that doesn’t mean people should look down on your associate’s degree. Seriously, fuck anyone who disses you for wanting to better yourself.

Another pro for community colleges: campus resources. Not everyone who goes to college is just out of high school, so not everyone has access to all the super cool shit that you ungrateful bastards are currently ignoring in your career services office. Maybe you’re just finishing high school and you’re now realizing what a dipshit you were to think you could figure out your college plans after graduation. And this is okay! Community colleges have your back. Community colleges have excellent career advisors and college counselors on staff to help you make the most of community college and make it easier transition to a 4-year university. Or straight into your field of choice. Again, your life is your own, you get to choose what you deal with it, but they’re here to help you. They will help you do research, find the best schools, help you find money, tell you about internships in the area, and help you get your shit together and hide the evidence of your previous academic career. They’ll full-on Pygmalion you, if you let them.

Another great campus resource for figuring out your major and your life are school activities. There’s such a wide variety of things offered on campus that can help you try things out without having to take classes or pay out the nose. And they make your resume look good. I wrote like three book reviews for the school paper and they still let me put it on my resume forever that I was involved even though I was too damn lazy to attend a single meeting and colleges ate that shit up. Plus, you can have a lot of fun and make lifelong friendships and meet the person of your dreams and all that high school hallmark shit that teen tv shows try to sell you on.

Community college is for everyone, it’s about making the community as a whole a better, more educated place. Its sole purpose is to take sadsacks like yourself and like me and turn us into decent members of society (or at least half-decent, they’re not miracle workers and some of you need a shit ton of help). They help newly graduated teens and they help stay at home moms who want to get back to school and they’re even there for the people who don’t want a degree, who just want to learn how to swear in French so they can understand the locals when they travel abroad. There are so many options offered by community colleges!

So, I say again: stop shitting on community college kids. And community college adults. Stop belittling people for wanting to better themselves. Stop shaming on people for trying to get a better education. Stop hating on people for trying to save money. Stop shitting on people for making the best of their situations. Just stop and grow up.

I hate children

Let me clarify: I hate the culture of children.

It’s not really children, per se. Granted, I’m not fond of them being around, I don’t want one in my house or very often in my immediate presence. I especially don’t like it if I have to watch one that can’t even talk coherently let alone understand what I’m saying. But all this is because I have no patience and no strong maternal instincts to speak of.

If I’m out in public somewhere and a child looks at me, I will smile at it. If I see a video or gif of a child doing something adorable, I might share it. I don’t actively go out of my way to upset children or even discuss them with most people.

But I hate, with all my being, the culture that surrounds the concept of children.

There’s an overwhelming societal expectation of a person that they must not only have children (usually multiple), but that they must desperately want children, often to the exclusion of all else. It’s tied very much into the notion that everyone is supposed to get married and promptly produce offspring and put themselves neatly into heteronormative traditional gender roles so as to be a good adult and a “productive member of society.” Indeed, the mere presence of breasts and a presumed uterus is indicative that a person’s worth is whether or not they reproduce.

And it’s this idea that infests every conversation about health or future or family. It’s this concept that makes those of us who do not want children (especially biologically) have to constantly brace ourselves for potential arguments when we talk about any of these things.

It’s the reason I had to switch doctors when my first one kept insisting that “the ideal” was for me to “remain a virgin until marriage and then marry a virgin before having children.” It’s the reason people with vaginas require checkups for “reproductive health” to make sure everything is “functioning correctly for reproduction” instead of just to make sure things don’t hurt/aren’t infected/need attention. It’s the reason we see language used like “baby-making” for sex with no stated reproductive intent. Why the term “biological clock” is still exclusively used in regards to reproduction. And why there is an over-emphasis on pregnancy and reproduction language in sex (“baby goo,” “baby batter,” “gonna make a baby in you,” etc.). It’s why there’s still so much debate over who gets a say in pregnancy, why pregnancy is still terrifyingly often referred to as a punishment or as a means to control those with a uterus. It’s the reason why family, friends, and even strangers feel completely within their rights to ask you about your reproductive plans, to make you justify all of your life choices to them at a moment’s notice, to question your thoughts and beliefs as if they know you better than you do yourself.

It’s the reason why the questions are so intensive when someone asks for lasting birth control. It’s the reasons why we are told over and over the rate of regret, the success stories of people who changed their minds, the horror stories of those who didn’t. It’s the reason why, when you state that you have a “phobia of pregnancy” in the hope that it will make people stop asking you without making you explain yourself or justify your feelings for the umpteenth time, the only advice you get is, “Well, that needs to be fixed before anything else.” It’s the reason why “because I don’t want children” isn’t enough. It’s the reason why adoption is never seen as an option because “you’ll want some of your own someday.” It’s the reason why people put such value on “extending the family line” and "continuing the family name.”

It’s the reason I have to say I hate children for people to  simply stop questioning me. It’s the reason I have to monitor my conversations with certain people because they’ll say, “Ah, see, you do like kids!!” It’s the reason parts of my dysphoria kick in hard when I see the sort of things mentioned above. Because, unless something happens to remove or damage a uterus, it is not only expected, but demanded of you to know why you’re refusing “the most precious gift on Earth,” “your womanly duty,” “the greatest love you’ll ever know,” and so forth.

It’s the reason why “I hate children” is rolled off my tongue more and more until finally people just stop talking.

But I don’t hate children.

I hate the culture of children.

I hate the misogyny that surrounds pregnancy.

Most of all, I hate the people who perpetuate this culture, who deny someone else the right to say they don’t want to be part of it, who threaten to make them part of it.

But, you know, it’s so much easier to just say I hate children.

Just one day at a time

Some people have this "all or nothing" mentality when it comes to healthy living. We need to realize that this whole all or nothing mentality is toxic. People feel like if they 're not doing it all, then their progress is nothing. And that is not true.

You either run every day or you're not a runner. You never have unhealthy thoughts at all or you're not recovering. You have to never eat fast food or you're not a healthy eater. You love yourself everyday and never have bad days or you're not positive body. You go out every weekend or you're not a social person.

It does not have to be all or nothing.

Every little bit is a step to a better life.

So if you ran yesterday and today you're not able to - you're still a runner and I'm proud of you. If yesterday you were okay but today you've fought the urge to restrict or purge since you woke up - you're still recovering and I'm proud of you.

If today, for the first time in weeks, you eat burgers and fries with friends or have pizza while on your lunch break - you are still a healthy eater. And I'm proud of you. Sometimes you fall off the wagon for months. Sometimes you tell yourself you’re gonna start fresh on Monday and by Wednesday you’ve already fallen back off. Sometimes you have to restart a 100 times and it’s frustrating. But it will be okay.

If you woke up this morning and immediately did not like yourself this morning, it's okay - You're still a body positive person and I'm proud of you. If you had to cancel your plans for the night because you couldn't deal with the anxiety, remember your friends still love you and they understand.

Just take each day step by step. Every run. Every urge. Every dining experience. Every negative thought. Because it's not all or nothing.

It's a little of this and a little of that and each piece turns progress.

You can do this. One day at a time

Light Summers and Dark Summers

There are two types of summer; light summers and dark summers.

Light summers are those full of lawn and linen, the sea and soft sunshine. They are cherries and children’s smiles, wherein you feel disconnected and light, almost floating. Life is dreamy and distant in a haze of white dandelion fluff.

Dark summers are honeyed and sulky, full of pomegranates, thunderstorms, magnolias and unkept promises. Pandora opens the box, and lightening fills the sky. Sudden realization that this moment you can finally be happy when you are alone with your thoughts.

Light summers are potential and hope, ice cream cones in the park. The sunshine shining flooding the dashboard with music turned up, wind tussling your hair as you drive everywhere and nowhere. Condensation that gathers and slides down the can and gathers on a picnic table of every barbecue that lasted longer than intended. Promises of weekends spent together exploring your city, exploring each other.

Dark summers are stealing kisses in movie theatres and hiding away from everyone with a good book. Crowding into loud bars after longer days of work, you tossing back drinks with long lost friends. Walking hand in hand under the stars as you share hidden memories and find yourself making new ones.

Light summers are false cheer. Smiles will light up rooms, eyes that sparkle with unwept tears. Watching the sun slip below the horizon after a day of solitude on the sand. Carefree and easy, coasting through life. You don’t ever want to land. Finding the person you have lost only to realize they are not who they once were, they are better for everything they have been through.

Dark summers are driving down dirt roads before dawn. Cinematic and shadowy, you exist in a trance of melancholy, and feel passionately, though feign detachment. Realizing that the person you have idolized as the sun has only cast you into shadow; you are more than this.