I was born to be a heart breaker

When I was five, romance didn’t exist for boys, it did exist for me. “She’s going to break hearts one day,” people said, speaking about me over my head. I smiled, because that is something little girls are supposed to be pleased to hear.

At eight, I stopped wearing dresses because I couldn’t turn cartwheels in them. “A tomboy,” somebody said about me, over my head, as if I couldn’t hear them. I told them “But I don’t want to be a boy,” and they laughed. “We know, sweetness.” I said, “I’m not sweet. I’m serious,” and they laughed again. “You’re cute,” they said. I smiled at that, because that’s something little girls are supposed to be pleased to hear.

At nine, I had too many friends that were boys. “I don’t like it,” my parents would say, standing in the kitchen. But I didn’t understand it. “Your body is going to start changing soon, and I don’t want those boys looking at you. I don’t like it,” they’d repeat. We moved away that summer. I lost everybody.

At thirteen, my best guy friend wrestled me to the ground and covered me in kisses no matter how much I asked him to stop it. “It’s supposed to be like this,” he kept repeating, “stop struggling.” He told me I was pretty and lovely and that boys and girls can’t be friends. He told me to stop being mad at him, that girls are supposed to be pleased about these things.

The same winter, I was catcalled for the first time in my life. I jumped when the car pulled up by my side. They said “baby” over my head as if I wasn’t who they were discussing. I didn’t smile about it. I had to sit down to stop myself from vomiting and crying.

When I was fifteen, most of my friends were boys. My best friend told me he was in love with me. He told me I was breaking his heart. He said if I didn’t love him back, he’d have nothing to live for anymore. The story with the rest of them is all the same. Either they left me or they thought they fell in love with the idea of somebody I wasn’t.

At nineteen, I had only girl friends. They were gentle, and different, and walked me through things. They held my hand when classes got too loud for me, and it meant friendship. They kissed me on the cheeks when I was crying, and it meant friendship. They slept next to me and it was friendship in the way I wasn’t used to. I was used to “stop being a tease,” to “why are you doing this to me.” This was just friendship, and it was excellent.

At twenty, I had friends who were boys again, because boys are supposed to be old enough to see me as a person. One day while we were drunk, I asked one of them why they wouldn’t just say my name. He laughed. He said, “God, you’re going to hate me when I explain.” He said that they’d all formed an agreement behind my back that none of them would fuck me. If I was going to be one of the bros, I couldn’t be a girl to them. I could only be seen as a boy if I wanted to be their friend. All of this said while staring at a point over my head. He tried to kiss me at the end. When I pushed him away, he said, “Sorry,” took a breath, “but if I start seeing you as a girl, I’m gonna try to kiss you again.”

I said, “I don’t want to be a boy, though,” and he laughed again.

He said, “I know, sweetie.”

The summers when I was sad - and I was sad categorically - I tried reaching out. When I turned to the boys, all I heard was, “don’t cut, you’re beautiful,” “don’t kill yourself, you’re so pretty,” “think of the scars, sweetie,” “when you cut yourself, I’m the one who starts bleeding.” I didn’t smile, although I think girls are supposed to be pleased to hear these things. I didn’t know how to say: "I don’t feel beautiful, and even if i did, what I’m doing to myself has nothing to do with you, or what I look like, or how fuckable I am to you." Instead I told them I was fine, and fixed, and nothing bad was happening.

And so at twenty-five, I am sick of boys who are “nice” or are “not like other boys” or are offended when I don’t immediately trust their intentions. I have been hurt over and over again. I have been judged based not on who I am, but whether or not they can get me to sleep with them. I only talk to small handful of my guy friends and the rest I lost because of whether or not I chose to fuck them.

At the same time, I kept most of my girl friends. Even though I have dated a few of them it never impacted our relationships. Even girls who are gay know that being friends doesn’t mean I owe them. Even if we did date, I can still feel comfortable getting drinks with the girls I love. They still hold my eyes when I talk to them.

I've been called a dyke, a lesbian, a man-hater. I think of the men who hurt me, who have spoken over my head, who have given me their full opinion even though I never asked for it. I was hated by basically everyone. I was sad and lonely so often thought I’d never feel happy again. I have been called a slut by boys that don't understand that who I choose to sleep with is just that: my choice.

I’m not sorry. I love so many people, and many boys are wonderful and charming and excellent. I’m not sorry I flinch away from a friendship. I’m not sorry that I will be cold or unaffectionate or scared of getting too close. I'm not sorry if you imagine I'm something I'm not. I'm not sorry if you ask for something that I won't give you.

It’s just that, since I was five, I was told I was born to break hearts.

Stop shitting on community college students

Community college is pretty amazing. It’s a great way to get all of your prerequisites out of the way and kind of feel out the whole college experience without having to amass a lifetime of debt in the process. People give community college kids absolute hell because they think it’s somehow lesser or makes you trash. Leave community college kids alone. They are doing the best they can and they are the ones who are out there taking advantage of what little this country is doing to help them with education and they deserve your respect. I hope you spit on those people. I hope you laugh at their crushing debt. I hope you make them cry.

Anyone who wants to further their own education in any way deserves your respect and you damn well better recognize.

The great thing about community college is that there’s less risk. Sure, you still need to take specific classes to earn your associate’s degree, if that’s the route you want to take, but if there’s a class that interests you, you can take it and it won’t cost very much. No education is completely cost free or guilt free, but community colleges come pretty damn close. The best thing to do to figure out your major, I think, is take the lower level classes in areas you might want to major/minor in and then see if you actually like them. At community college, you take all the low-level shit like math and bio so you don’t need to worry about taking them at a 4-year university, should you decide to transfer later.

I’ve known so many people who go to a 4-year college for a specific major only to find out they like it in theory, but fucking hate it in reality, and then they’re totally fucked because the major they want to switch to doesn’t exist at their university. That issue doesn’t come up so much with community colleges because everything is generalized. Community colleges want to serve the community at large, not focus in on specifics.

Another thing to remember is that there are multiple paths available to you with community college. You can earn a 2-year degree and transfer somewhere without them looking too closely at your piss-poor high school grades. Actually, if you have a degree, most schools won’t even ask for your high school transcript, which is lucky for you, I’m sure. The other thing is that you don’t need a degree, you can just transfer because like my counselor once said: "Once you have your bachelor’s, no one fucking cares about anything you earned before that."

But hey, maybe you don’t want to transfer to a 4-year school and that’s okay too! There are plenty of fields that only require a 2-year degree. You can be an LTA or a vet tech or whatever the hell program it is that your community college is really trying to sell you on. Not every job needs a 4-year degree, which no one seems to tell kids anymore. Yes, a college education is important, but not all college educations are the same. But that doesn’t mean people should look down on your associate’s degree. Seriously, fuck anyone who disses you for wanting to better yourself.

Another pro for community colleges: campus resources. Not everyone who goes to college is just out of high school, so not everyone has access to all the super cool shit that you ungrateful bastards are currently ignoring in your career services office. Maybe you’re just finishing high school and you’re now realizing what a dipshit you were to think you could figure out your college plans after graduation. And this is okay! Community colleges have your back. Community colleges have excellent career advisors and college counselors on staff to help you make the most of community college and make it easier transition to a 4-year university. Or straight into your field of choice. Again, your life is your own, you get to choose what you deal with it, but they’re here to help you. They will help you do research, find the best schools, help you find money, tell you about internships in the area, and help you get your shit together and hide the evidence of your previous academic career. They’ll full-on Pygmalion you, if you let them.

Another great campus resource for figuring out your major and your life are school activities. There’s such a wide variety of things offered on campus that can help you try things out without having to take classes or pay out the nose. And they make your resume look good. I wrote like three book reviews for the school paper and they still let me put it on my resume forever that I was involved even though I was too damn lazy to attend a single meeting and colleges ate that shit up. Plus, you can have a lot of fun and make lifelong friendships and meet the person of your dreams and all that high school hallmark shit that teen tv shows try to sell you on.

Community college is for everyone, it’s about making the community as a whole a better, more educated place. Its sole purpose is to take sadsacks like yourself and like me and turn us into decent members of society (or at least half-decent, they’re not miracle workers and some of you need a shit ton of help). They help newly graduated teens and they help stay at home moms who want to get back to school and they’re even there for the people who don’t want a degree, who just want to learn how to swear in French so they can understand the locals when they travel abroad. There are so many options offered by community colleges!

So, I say again: stop shitting on community college kids. And community college adults. Stop belittling people for wanting to better themselves. Stop shaming on people for trying to get a better education. Stop hating on people for trying to save money. Stop shitting on people for making the best of their situations. Just stop and grow up.