It consumes me. This desire to be skinny.
Small.
Too small.
Even though I see the numbers get lower, I feel like I look the same. It frustrates me. How I feel like I’m the one who works so hard so I should have the skinniest legs. Perhaps the most disturbing part is the competition aspect. When I look at a girl and see that I’m skinner I feel like I’m winning. I almost want to giver her a sly smile (and sometimes do) that says, “See what happens when you work hard?” Conversely, seeing girls smaller than me is the absolute worst. And whenever I see a girl that is so bony it looks like I could snap her in half, I am completely envious of her and feel a burning hatred inside myself.
Who am I? What’s wrong with me that I feel this way? I remember as a child when food didn’t consumer my mind and it wasn’t at all a highlight in my life. But back then I had an amazing metabolism too. I could overeat 24/7 and not gain a pound on my extremely small frame.
Now I’m on a quest to be perfect.
Perfect is the unreachable goal that I know I can’t get to but I’ll never stop trying to reach. So I’ll continue. I’ll continue counting my calories and not eating more than one thousand a day. I’ll continue over-exercising. I’ll continue to feel uncomfortable in my own skin and embarrassed by who I’ve become. Maybe one day I’ll look in the mirror and realize this girl isn’t me, but that day is not today.
Small.
Too small.
Even though I see the numbers get lower, I feel like I look the same. It frustrates me. How I feel like I’m the one who works so hard so I should have the skinniest legs. Perhaps the most disturbing part is the competition aspect. When I look at a girl and see that I’m skinner I feel like I’m winning. I almost want to giver her a sly smile (and sometimes do) that says, “See what happens when you work hard?” Conversely, seeing girls smaller than me is the absolute worst. And whenever I see a girl that is so bony it looks like I could snap her in half, I am completely envious of her and feel a burning hatred inside myself.
Who am I? What’s wrong with me that I feel this way? I remember as a child when food didn’t consumer my mind and it wasn’t at all a highlight in my life. But back then I had an amazing metabolism too. I could overeat 24/7 and not gain a pound on my extremely small frame.
Now I’m on a quest to be perfect.
Perfect is the unreachable goal that I know I can’t get to but I’ll never stop trying to reach. So I’ll continue. I’ll continue counting my calories and not eating more than one thousand a day. I’ll continue over-exercising. I’ll continue to feel uncomfortable in my own skin and embarrassed by who I’ve become. Maybe one day I’ll look in the mirror and realize this girl isn’t me, but that day is not today.
I get it, I truly do.but what happened? I thought you were on the up and up regarding mental health, food, and health body image. I'm guessing something has triggered you recently. Also, I have never felt competitive in terms of my eating disorder. I think, for me, it pertains to how people view me in connection to self control and how that translates to other aspects of my life like intellectual seriousness, work ethic, clean/tidiness, etc. I am in control. I have my stuff together and no one can say anything to me. BAM. Thank you for sharing. :)
ReplyDeleteSome girls are really secretive about their weight, their lowest and highest weight, bmi, etc. Do you care who knows or tend to keep those things private?
ReplyDeletep.s. I had wine last night, too. p.s.s. Good morning.
ReplyDelete