Change how you react

So much of life is dependent on how we choose to react to what happens to us.

Each day, we subconsciously choose how things will affect us. In positive moments, it’s so effortless for us to be happy. Yet, the moment something doesn’t work out the way we intended, we automatically shift back to the negative.

Change how you react to the things that didn’t work out the way you intended.

That job/internship/position you wanted and didn’t get? Realize that maybe this is your life steering you towards another direction where a new opportunity will arise.

That person who didn’t love you back? Recognize that they are not in a point in their lives where they are capable of giving you the love you deserve.

That bad day you had at work? Acknowledge that this is a case of mind over matter. Was it really that bad of a day? Or, did you let one little incident ruin the entire day?

Our society as a whole is so inclined to think negative. What if this happens? What if that happens? What if this isn’t good enough? So many times, I overhear people complaining about this, that, and the other thing. Yes, things happen in life, but negative thinking will only cultivate more negative occurrences.

It’s in your hands. You can choose to stay down, burying yourself in a deeper hole by telling yourself you’re not good enough or that only bad things happen to you.

Or, you can be upset about it for a little and then change your thinking. Acknowledge that you can move forward. Establish how you can make things better or what else you have going for you in the moment.

Your reaction is everything. It says more about your outlook on life than anything else. I’m not saying this is easy because it’s not. In fact, it’s a day-by-day process, but so much of our lives are impacted by our thinking.

When things don’t work out, don’t look at it in a negative light. Instead, look at it as a “shift” in your life. A “shift” to something or someone new.

A positive attitude will give you a positive life.

A negative attitude will give you a negative life.

It seems so simple yet, we make it so hard. Change how you react to situations and you will change your life. 

Living with Ana

There is a voice living inside my head and it’s making me knock on Death’s door.

It tortures me every waking day — pushing me to run on the treadmill for an hour just so I could burn those calories I have gained for eating that goddamn apple for lunch, making me ditch all my plans with anyone just because I still have to do a hundred push-ups, and filling me with a furious desire to lose more than just my weight. This little demonic voice that always finds its way to my head is called Ana.

She penetrated me without preamble. I have no idea how or why she was born and I’m not sure when she arrived, either. All I know is that she made her nest in me. She huddled inside my head — made roots in every part of me and now, my body is possessed.

Ana is everywhere. Her perfect silhouette followed me wherever I go — in the kitchen, looking at me with disgust as I stare intently on the freshly baked cookies in the oven.  Inside the bathroom, eyes fixed on me as I strip, mocking me for the body that I have, laughing at me for not making my bones stick out, and whispering that food is evil. Her voice was so low, yet so trident. She nourished herself from my dark thoughts, from my biggest fears.

The smell of burning ginger and cloves reminded me of my fate. Of how different I was from a normal teenager. Flashes of disgust can be seen right through my eyes and it’s becoming more visible day by day.  Ana flourished and I felt her inside me.

She blocked my veins with filthy words and I could hardly breathe. I lived with her. No, scratch that, I survived with her.

Ana was no friend, but a pretentious bitch companion. She fed me with lies and tricked me into believing that I deserve every filthy word there is. I drank her remarks and wept. Ana grew — like a flower watered with my tears.

The frustration brought by her presence was killing me and the pressure to be perfect was destroying me, in any way one could be destroyed.

I completely have no idea on how to cut her roots out of my body. I don’t know if there is a way I could drag her from my rotting form to the deepest, darkest depths of hell. Because every time I think I got rid of her, well, it turns out I’m wrong. 

Love without escape plans

What really is love?

Most of us rub our heads and track our soul down for this one question, but never do we get to a conclusion.

Is it a feeling or is it a decision?

Love is unquestionably a feeling, when you see someone and your heart races when they walk by you, your heart skips a beat, glaring at their face is your medication. A feeling of wanting to be with them all the time , wanting to hear their voice, wanting to wrap them in your arms , wanting to touch their lips , wanting to be the one for them, wanting to never fail them but honey is this feeling enough can we call it love. Will this last forever?

Love is more of a commitment; a decision of risking everything you have, everything you want and everything that you want to be in this life for one soul whose voice you choose, whose body you decide to keep close, whose happiness you know you wanted to share, whose problems and misfortunes you know you had the guts to bear, whose name you know you will be proud to have along your own even if they are meek in real, who you choose among the million choices you have in this star.

Don’t promise them the moon and the stars rather stay with them in their difficult times. Love is an intangible force that can be both a motivator and a destructor. Feelings don’t stay forever. They can never be forced. They can duel at times. They can be misleading. They can take you to the wrong. They can drown you in grungy, Feelings are as permanent as a baby's memory. What really counts is how strong you can be to stay with this one person in every situation.

Can you spend a lifetime with them without an escape plan? Can you love without abandon? Love at times can be confused with lust or attraction. True, intimacy is a way of showing love and building up the relationship stronger but it is never enough. Loving someone not only means touching their naked body but also their naked soul.

You should know about their fears, know about the things they admire. You should know about their shortcomings, know about their desire. You should know about things they long for, know about the things they hate. You should know how they like their coffee, know their scent. But most importantly, you should not know all this after they tell you about it. You should discover all this on your own and if you can’t simply ask them about it.

Loving means knowing when they need you the most. Loving means knowing when you should give them space. Loving means showering them with affection when they are annoying as hell and this is the time when ‘you’re commitments and promises’ come in picture.

Don’t promise them the moon and the stars rather stay with them in their difficult times. Love means staying in a partnership agreement with where you share everything equally but where you are always willing to give in more whenever needed.

All this might sound really one-sided but if you give this little to the one you love you are sure to get even more in return. Love is not a hormonal call but strong-headed decisions. The only time you should listen to your heart is when you decide the one you want to stay committed to the one you should love with all your heart.  This concept or this definition of love is really old school but this is what “LOVE” and “LOVING” is really about.  Love without escape plans. 

A love letter to my body

I want to love you. I want to love the way you ebb and flow to maintain my vibrancy and my health, but I don’t.

I’ve tried—not as hard as I could have, but hard enough. I’ve looked at you, begging my mind to dig through the depths of the insults and criticism, searching for some measure of appreciation for you, but it finds none. It discovers, instead, a deeper hatred for you and the way you let those purple marks etch themselves upon the skin that covers you, or the way you let yourself become an ocean of ripples when I walk.

I love the ocean, but I don’t love that ocean. I love being connected to the sea, with the sand and water mixing and melting in between my toes, but I hate being connected to you.

I think there was a time in my life where I liked you. It definitely wasn’t love; some form of infatuation, maybe. I loved the way you changed based on how I treated you. I loved the way you did what I asked in those years before the betrayal. I fed you exactly 10 almonds for a snack and didn’t let you have any carbs after 3 pm. There was this one day when you demanded more; I was in 11th grade and I had just come home from school. I grabbed an extra handful of something from the pantry before you kept asking me for more, again and again until I couldn’t resist your pleading. I caved before the tears let themselves seep from my defeated eyes, the salty proof that you had won staining the fair skin of my cheeks red. I looked at the nearly empty can of cashews in my hand as I wondered why I had let myself throw all my hard work away just because of you.

I hated you so much in that moment, but I hated you more when you betrayed me in those years that followed.

The betrayal—that’s all I know to call it. If I called it anything else, it would be on me. I have too much pride for that. You gave me an ultimatum, life or death, and I chose life. That life wasn’t what I thought it should have been, and that’s why I can’t love you right now.

The life I thought I chose isn’t the one I’m living; you transformed without my permission and became my greatest fear.

I used to climb out of bed and into the closet, stepping on a scale that showed me a number I wasn’t ashamed of. As you made that number grow higher, I began waking up earlier. I rose before the world was awake, groggy and exhausted, and walked into that same closet. I didn’t want the world to know what you had become.

It feels wrong, you know. It feels wrong saying I’m ashamed of something that is, inherently, me. You and I are one, but I forget that. I separate myself from you sometimes, believing you might be the only one with anything to offer this world; I am merely your guest, living within the walls of your house until I can find a way out. Sometimes I start thinking about the way I treat you and how I wish I could treat you, and the disparity between those two things. If they could just coincide in your favor, body; if I could only love you the way I want to, with love and appreciation through lenses of adoration, things would be different.

We could do so much if we were only on the same team.

Be with someone that makes you happy (even if everything is going wrong)

The saying goes: It’s not where you are, it’s who you’re with. And it couldn’t be more true — as long as you’re with the right person.

Find the person you want to be with no matter what, because being together is so much better than being apart. The one who makes your surroundings slip away because their presence is the only aspect of your surroundings that really counts. The one who inspires you to abandon your routine and all of your daily comforts in the name of togetherness because there’s nothing more comforting than the way you feel when they’re nearby. The one who makes swimming a thousand miles with a cramped leg, crossing the Sahara with a single canteen of water, or traipsing through a foreign land with $20 to your name sound like totally reasonable measures — if that’s what it takes to reunite.

This person will never fail to make you smile in the least likely circumstances. This person will make every leg of an unpleasant journey totally bearable, even pleasurable. This person will push you to find happiness where you’ve long forgotten happiness exists, nudging the dormant pieces of your soul residing deep within.

They will move you to wake up at sunrise even if you’re not a morning person so you can tear off your clothes while running through the sand and skinny dip. They will motivate you to stay up long past midnight for a late night stroll even when you’re exhausted because one more hour of wakefulness together is always worth it. They will make you forget the pesky concerns that typically stop you from doing certain things — all those little worries that filter your ability to truly embrace the world.

This is the person you need, because not all of life is actually all that fun unless you grab it by the horns and tame it as you go. Real life involves countless hurdles, both big and small. But if you can tackle those obstacles head on — not just grit your teeth and bear the difficulties you’re destined to face, but approach them as good times waiting to be discovered — you will always be fine. The right person will help you see this.

Couples that know how to smile together in the least likely circumstances don’t have to rely on anything but each other. Even when things go terribly wrong, all they have to do is feed off of their love. Nothing can stop them from finding the rose buried deep inside a pile of thorns, the never-ending depths of their bond an oxygen tank they can always draw upon.

They don’t need fancy hotel rooms. They don’t need big celebrations or elaborate feasts or good weather to enjoy themselves or to craft lasting memories. They don’t need a wifi connection or social media feeds to help pass the time. They take life as it comes — bliss, devastation, boredom, and all — because as long as they’re together, nothing else matters. At all.

There is so much power in loving someone with all of your heart and letting that love guide you day in and day out. So go find the person who helps you adjust the lens through which you see life’s darkest parts. When you do, you will feel automatically stronger. Better equipped to live. Better prepared to take risks. Better positioned to smile, even when it seems impossible.