She doesn't believe she's beautiful

She is uncomfortable with compliments, because she never believes them. She avoids having her picture taken, because she knows she’s going to hate the way she looks. And when someone actually sneaks a shot in, she untags the photos of herself, because she doesn’t think she looks as pretty as the people around her.

This girl is beautiful. But she doesn’t realize it. When she looks in the mirror, her eyes skim past her strengths to focus on her flaws. They zone in on her insecurities.

It’s not like she’s never been told that she’s beautiful before. She has been — by friends, by family members, by strangers that pass her on the street and offer their smiles.

Some of these people have asked her out. They’ve tried to get her into bed. They’ve looked her in the eyes and told her how gorgeous she is.

Boys like her. But not the boy. And his opinion is the only one that matters.

As long as she’s living life without him, she won’t feel good about herself. She’s looking for love in the wrong place. She’ll keep chasing the one boy that doesn’t want her instead of looking around and seeing that there are dozens of others that realize her worth.

For some unknown reason, her heart wants the boy that makes her feel ugly. The boy that refuses to give her the one thing she needs. Confidence.

But boys aren’t the only reason she feels unattractive. She won’t let her self-worth rest entirely in the hands of men.

She’s too hard on herself. She lets one little thing destroy her self-esteem. If she likes how she did her makeup, she’ll only be proud for a second, because as soon as she tries to take a selfie and it doesn’t come out well, she’ll be convinced that she’s ugly. That she doesn’t look as good as she thought. That the mirror was lying to her and she’s secretly a monster.

She doesn’t want to care about social media, to be sucked into an online charade, but she can’t help how she feels. If she uploads a selfie and no one likes it, she’ll scramble to take it down. To erase it from existence and hope that nobody realizes what she’s done.

She’ll actually be embarrassed of a photo that she originally loved, because it didn’t get enough approval. Because the likes were too low.

She knows that it’s crazy to care so deeply about social media or mirrors or dating, but she does. She wants to be pretty. She wants to turn heads. And most importantly, she wants to be comfortable with herself. She wants to stop waking up and wishing she was someone else.

And she tries. She tries so hard to see herself in a positive way. She can see the beauty in every other woman that walks by, but she’s blind to her own beauty. She doesn’t realize how stunning she is. She never has.

She can’t magically change her self-hatred to self-love and her self-criticism to self-acceptance. But every single day, she’s trying to silence that voice that tells her she isn’t good enough. That she isn’t pretty enough.

And slowly but surely, she’ll see what everyone else sees. A beautiful girl that deserves everything the universe has to offer her.

You are only human

You are only human.

So when you are hurting, tell yourself this. That you are only human. You are not made up of metal that refuses to break. You are not made up of concrete, that can withstand the strongest of storms. You are not made up of the harshest wind that can knock down even the strongest of foundations. You are allowed to take a break. You are allowed to feel.

And when you are feeling sick with heartache, tell yourself this. You are only human. You have one brain, one heart, two hands, and ten fingers. You ware made to produce salty tears when your heart feels to weak to keep on going. You are made to feel with every bone in your body. You are supposed to ache with loneliness. You are supposed to feel everything that is terrible and everything that is beautiful.

Because you are only human.

And when you feel like you can’t go on any longer, when you feel like you can’t live another day, please remember this. You are only human. You break, you bleed, you bend, and you crack open. And yes, you are not made up of bricks that refuse to fall even during the darkest of hurricanes.

But, please, know this. You are made up of water, of the sea, that can drown the most terrible of feelings. You are made up of currents that can cleanse your soul of your darkest thoughts.

We say we are only human, and that we are weak because we are breakable. But my dear, we all break sometimes, but we always can find a way to be reborn.

You have lungs that work day in and day out to give you inhales and exhales that you don’t even have to think about. You have bones, that protect your every muscle, enclosing your body in a safe haven. You have one heart that pumps blood throughout your body, and you have your brain, that makes you, you.

You are human. But you are so much more than that. Because you see, while your bones and heart can break, while your lungs can weaken and your muscles can grow weary of this life that you live, your heart still beats. Your cells will still be reborn. Your lungs will still move in and out, no matter how tired you have become. Your bones will heal on their own, slowly but surely. And your body will begin again.

So while you are just a human, you are stronger than any natural disaster, than any army of wolves, than any man made metal, and than any tornado. Your body will keep working, even when you don’t want it to. Your body will keep you awake, even when you just want to sleep forever. And your body will keep cheering you on, even when your heart has dropped to the ground in despair.

So when you feel like you can’t keep walking, when you feel like life isn’t worth living, and when you think that you aren’t worth another day on this earth, just remember that you are human. Remember that you are mighty. You are the vision of strength and endurance even when you feel like throwing in the towel. And remember that you are beautiful, you are beautiful with all of your flaws and insecurities, even if you can’t see it now.

Sweet human, you are a masterpiece of cells and bones and heartbeats. You are nothing short of a miracle, because you are here, breathing in this air and this life. You are nothing short of perfection, because you are your very own person.

You are stronger because you are human. You are stronger because you have strengths and weaknesses, and you have insecurities and marks etched into your skin. You are stronger because you can break, and still get up the next day. You are stronger because you can die, and be reborn again. And you are stronger because after all of the time, you wake up each day and continue to climb this slippery slope that is your life. And you must know, that you are worthy of waking up each day, and breathing in this beautiful and crazy world.

So please, don’t stop climbing. Don’t stop breathing. Don’t stop living. Keep on going. Keep on walking. Don’t stop trying. Don’t stop inhaling. You are worth today. You are worth tomorrow. You are worth, a beautiful, masterpiece of a life. And you are worth giving yourself a shot to do more, to be more, and live a better life. 

Change how you react

So much of life is dependent on how we choose to react to what happens to us.

Each day, we subconsciously choose how things will affect us. In positive moments, it’s so effortless for us to be happy. Yet, the moment something doesn’t work out the way we intended, we automatically shift back to the negative.

Change how you react to the things that didn’t work out the way you intended.

That job/internship/position you wanted and didn’t get? Realize that maybe this is your life steering you towards another direction where a new opportunity will arise.

That person who didn’t love you back? Recognize that they are not in a point in their lives where they are capable of giving you the love you deserve.

That bad day you had at work? Acknowledge that this is a case of mind over matter. Was it really that bad of a day? Or, did you let one little incident ruin the entire day?

Our society as a whole is so inclined to think negative. What if this happens? What if that happens? What if this isn’t good enough? So many times, I overhear people complaining about this, that, and the other thing. Yes, things happen in life, but negative thinking will only cultivate more negative occurrences.

It’s in your hands. You can choose to stay down, burying yourself in a deeper hole by telling yourself you’re not good enough or that only bad things happen to you.

Or, you can be upset about it for a little and then change your thinking. Acknowledge that you can move forward. Establish how you can make things better or what else you have going for you in the moment.

Your reaction is everything. It says more about your outlook on life than anything else. I’m not saying this is easy because it’s not. In fact, it’s a day-by-day process, but so much of our lives are impacted by our thinking.

When things don’t work out, don’t look at it in a negative light. Instead, look at it as a “shift” in your life. A “shift” to something or someone new.

A positive attitude will give you a positive life.

A negative attitude will give you a negative life.

It seems so simple yet, we make it so hard. Change how you react to situations and you will change your life. 

Living with Ana

There is a voice living inside my head and it’s making me knock on Death’s door.

It tortures me every waking day — pushing me to run on the treadmill for an hour just so I could burn those calories I have gained for eating that goddamn apple for lunch, making me ditch all my plans with anyone just because I still have to do a hundred push-ups, and filling me with a furious desire to lose more than just my weight. This little demonic voice that always finds its way to my head is called Ana.

She penetrated me without preamble. I have no idea how or why she was born and I’m not sure when she arrived, either. All I know is that she made her nest in me. She huddled inside my head — made roots in every part of me and now, my body is possessed.

Ana is everywhere. Her perfect silhouette followed me wherever I go — in the kitchen, looking at me with disgust as I stare intently on the freshly baked cookies in the oven.  Inside the bathroom, eyes fixed on me as I strip, mocking me for the body that I have, laughing at me for not making my bones stick out, and whispering that food is evil. Her voice was so low, yet so trident. She nourished herself from my dark thoughts, from my biggest fears.

The smell of burning ginger and cloves reminded me of my fate. Of how different I was from a normal teenager. Flashes of disgust can be seen right through my eyes and it’s becoming more visible day by day.  Ana flourished and I felt her inside me.

She blocked my veins with filthy words and I could hardly breathe. I lived with her. No, scratch that, I survived with her.

Ana was no friend, but a pretentious bitch companion. She fed me with lies and tricked me into believing that I deserve every filthy word there is. I drank her remarks and wept. Ana grew — like a flower watered with my tears.

The frustration brought by her presence was killing me and the pressure to be perfect was destroying me, in any way one could be destroyed.

I completely have no idea on how to cut her roots out of my body. I don’t know if there is a way I could drag her from my rotting form to the deepest, darkest depths of hell. Because every time I think I got rid of her, well, it turns out I’m wrong. 

Love without escape plans

What really is love?

Most of us rub our heads and track our soul down for this one question, but never do we get to a conclusion.

Is it a feeling or is it a decision?

Love is unquestionably a feeling, when you see someone and your heart races when they walk by you, your heart skips a beat, glaring at their face is your medication. A feeling of wanting to be with them all the time , wanting to hear their voice, wanting to wrap them in your arms , wanting to touch their lips , wanting to be the one for them, wanting to never fail them but honey is this feeling enough can we call it love. Will this last forever?

Love is more of a commitment; a decision of risking everything you have, everything you want and everything that you want to be in this life for one soul whose voice you choose, whose body you decide to keep close, whose happiness you know you wanted to share, whose problems and misfortunes you know you had the guts to bear, whose name you know you will be proud to have along your own even if they are meek in real, who you choose among the million choices you have in this star.

Don’t promise them the moon and the stars rather stay with them in their difficult times. Love is an intangible force that can be both a motivator and a destructor. Feelings don’t stay forever. They can never be forced. They can duel at times. They can be misleading. They can take you to the wrong. They can drown you in grungy, Feelings are as permanent as a baby's memory. What really counts is how strong you can be to stay with this one person in every situation.

Can you spend a lifetime with them without an escape plan? Can you love without abandon? Love at times can be confused with lust or attraction. True, intimacy is a way of showing love and building up the relationship stronger but it is never enough. Loving someone not only means touching their naked body but also their naked soul.

You should know about their fears, know about the things they admire. You should know about their shortcomings, know about their desire. You should know about things they long for, know about the things they hate. You should know how they like their coffee, know their scent. But most importantly, you should not know all this after they tell you about it. You should discover all this on your own and if you can’t simply ask them about it.

Loving means knowing when they need you the most. Loving means knowing when you should give them space. Loving means showering them with affection when they are annoying as hell and this is the time when ‘you’re commitments and promises’ come in picture.

Don’t promise them the moon and the stars rather stay with them in their difficult times. Love means staying in a partnership agreement with where you share everything equally but where you are always willing to give in more whenever needed.

All this might sound really one-sided but if you give this little to the one you love you are sure to get even more in return. Love is not a hormonal call but strong-headed decisions. The only time you should listen to your heart is when you decide the one you want to stay committed to the one you should love with all your heart.  This concept or this definition of love is really old school but this is what “LOVE” and “LOVING” is really about.  Love without escape plans.